Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 56 - 58: Two forward, One Back.

Hello all!

    So the water got back on yesterday! It is wonderful to be able to shower in my own home. And flush! The sad part is, if we do not come up with the money for October's rent, then November's we will be evicted.

    Our goal is to keep our home. In losing the car it will tank our credit. The mobile home we live in is working toward our credit, but every time we get called into court for a late payment and possible eviction it hits our credit again. The hubs has finally decided to go to school, starting from square 1 in fall 2014 for Computer Information Technology. He is a computer genius. With that degree, we can assure that we will never end up here again, but we have to survive the next 4.5 years.

    He is going to a military base tomorrow to get everything he needs lined up for school. There is a very good chance he will get a free ride, between my benefits and his. Hopefully he will be able to devote all his time to schooling, while I work only one job, and he continues his DJ shows. Which means living Spartan for a while, and no babies sadly, but 4 years will go by either way, he may as well get an education worth something. I am ecstatic that honey has finally decided to go to school, and that he is putting in so much effort to finally get it done. This one decision alone will change our lives for ever.

     I have also noticed how much happier my life has become since making church a regular thing. Honey has yet to go with me, but he will eventually. I have faith that something will turn up where we can get everything together and keep our little house. We plan to pay it off, sell it, and hopefully move into a home to rent 4 years from now. Owning is not what we want for a while. Maybe we will change our minds, maybe not.

     That is all for today. Keep praying that everything lines up for us, and that blessings keep coming! God bless you!


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 54 and 55: I am Doing a Great Work, and I Cannot Come Down....

Afternoon All!

    I just got home from church, but before I get into that, let me tell you of the amazing events that have transpired since the last time I wrote...

     Friday was my day off, and I was less productive than I hoped as my options ran out for doing laundry. I did maintain a clean house, and all of my work things are still organized, and I spent valuable time with my son. Friday evening we met with the Mother in law, her mother and her husband along with my son, and my husband for dinner. My grandmother-in-law is a Godly woman. I do not believe that she would have survived all of her life's trials without it, and perhaps she would not have had so many without it... She prays, and when she prays for things, life changes immediately. We had a great time at dinner, and my son was amazingly well behaved (Thank the good Lord!) My husband has been struggling with his next step in life, and grandmother-in-law told him he needs school. At which he scoffed and said it was too mundane. A few months ago my husband and I decided we would work so we could move back to California. We at the time thought it was a good idea and we prayed. Well some weeks ago, I decided that it was a bad idea, and I began to pray that something would happen.

     We have built a life here that is so amazing, and so strong with Christians, support, love and peace that I could not imagine moving away from all of it to start at negative 1 all over again. I no longer wanted to be back in Cali. Well after dinner, we had our DJ show, which was unexciting as our shows go, and it was a little bit of a let down. We came home and went to bed. My husband woke me up at 7 am Saturday to tell me he began the application process for college. I told him "great, now let me sleep." When I finally woke up and let the information sink in I was so incredibly happy.

   I have waited years for my husband to finally believe he can go to school and make something great of himself. I have applied for him 3 times, and after the last time I gave up and decided he would go when he was ready. I was no longer going to hold his hand. In 12 short hours our lives have been altered beyond any hope or dream we could have imagined. We are far from out of the woods, but now we have a compass! We will also be staying here for all of his schooling (4 more years!) and hopefully longer!

    Since my husband decided it was time to go to school, his whole demeanor has changed. He no longer seems surly at life, and he is happy and determined. This has opened the doors for amazing things to come into our lives. And once he makes it through school to his final career destination, we will be able to live like all those other people I see, I will be able to buy groceries regularly, pay our bills, fix our credit, and save, and of course more children!

   We know that we will both have to work hard in the next few years (who am I kidding? For the rest of our lives!) To get to where we need to be, to go beyond that, and then some. But it is a step in the right direction.

   In other news, our water will get turned back on Monday. I am so happy! My guardian angel paid the balance, Thank God for her. I do not know who I would be without her in my life! I am hoping I will not have to work tomorrow so I can clean everything, and I do mean everything - like appliances away from the walls clean. We are closer to getting the money together for rent, and getting our lives back together. Hubby has a lot of work to do tomorrow as well to find a job. Prayers please that he will have one by day's end tomorrow.

   Church today discussed a lot of things, but I will talk about the 2 that spoke loudest to me. The first of which is "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down." From Nehemiah, which brought me around to focus on what I am doing to lead a life for God, and what I need to be doing... The second is what is our next step to be more Christ-like? I am pretty sure God is telling me I need to give up smoking. I won't even try to lie, it scares the day lights out of me to think about giving it up. I am going to try, and keep trying until I put it down forever though. I don't have very many left in my pack today, I may as well start now. Attempt #347. Kidding, I've quit maybe 10 times before. or tried to. What's one more?

     Lord let your light shine upon me and bring me into myself as a follower of Christ. Let me single out time to open my bible and live the word. Please, please take away my desire to smoke, make this one thing easy on me! And fill my heart and soul with your spirit to carry with me to every one I meet! Amen!

    God Bless all of you! and thank you for your prayers for me and my family!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Day 52 and 53: Happiness is not Elusive

Hello all!
    Today is my day off, and far from relaxing and enjoying, I am cleaning and organizing. My house needs it badly, especially my work area. It is coming along very nicely if I do say so myself. The last items on my list for the day will be to fill up all my water containers, clean my bathrooms, and get some laundry done. We are down to 2 diapers...

     Sadly, our vehicle was repossessed. I should be more upset by it, but ultimately I am relieved. Relieved that I do not have to worry about coming up with a payment to attempt to hold on to it for a little while longer. Relieved that I no longer have to drive a vehicle that was hemorrhaging money. There is no real chance of getting it back, and I am okay with that. Our next task is to take whatever money we bring in in the next 7 days and pay October's rent and then work on November's rent.

     With the car gone, everything seems a little less hopeless. Almost like we have been able to redouble our efforts to find employment (my serving job only makes me so much) We are lucky enough to have friends that will let us borrow a vehicle or give us rides. My job is 10 miles away and impractical to walk to. With whatever extra time I have today I will be making diapers and listing them for sale. I have a decent stash of fabric hanging around. I am out of fabric for inserts, which poses a small problem of selling diapers without inserts, or spending money on fabric. I am leaning hard and fast toward selling them without.

      I am intimately aware of the fact that my current situation it beyond piteous. It makes me feel bad to think about it. But we are not out of options yet. And there is always hope. With everything I lack, it is shockingly easier to focus on what I do have. I still have coffee, which is amazing, and wonderful! I still have a warm place to sleep and I still have power to keep me warm. I am elated that I get to spend the day with my fat little munchkin, that we can play and talk and spend time together! I am excited about having my work space organized (though I am sure not for long) enough to lay time aside to be productive! I am incredibly happy for my health. Even with being dehydrated, I still feel great, I have not succumbed to even sniffles.

   There is a possibility of eviction, and we will cross that bridge when we get there. There is also a possibility that I could one day lose my mind and beat my hubby to death... kidding! Even with the negatives in my life I cannot help but feel incredibly blessed with the people in my life. Blessed to have my husband to spend time with, to talk to, to play with (even adults need good old fashioned play time - and not just the dirty kind!) I am simply amazed to have a child so incredible and profound as Ethan. He is insanely intelligent, and a wonder to behold! I am blessed to have God-loving people to work with on a daily basis, and beyond blessed to share my life with such incredible friends. My situation has become unfortunate, yet it only lacks money. Financially I am poor, (I know I have covered this topic before) but I am rich in love, friendship, support, skills and gifts, and many, many other things. There are people in this world that have money and have nothing else that I have, and for them I do feel pity. With all of the things God has blessed me with, I am sure I will continue to be blessed in ways I cannot imagine.

    Oh, as a side note, the day my car was repossessed I had prayed for a miracle, fasted even! When I watched my car be towed away, all I felt was peace. When I think about my car being gone, I only feel happy. I know that is counterintuitive, I also know that it is a bad thing to happen to us, but I finally feel like I can breathe, and that I am not being pulled in 100 different directions.

     Lord, you have given me another day to live, for that I am grateful! Let me be an instrument of your will, let me be strong and let my hands work fast and efficiently to bring joy into this world. Lord help me to be diligent in learning my life lessons, and strengthen me to adapt humility into my life. Show me a way to keep my house, and get on our feet. Lighten my path so I can follow, but also lead others with me to a life that shines for You! Let others see my resilience and know that it comes from You, bring me into myself as a child of God. Amen!

    God Bless you all!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Day 50 and 51: Breaking

 Good Morning!
      Sunday was the Marine Corps 238th Birthday. Which we did not celebrate, but I sure told a lot of Marines "Happy Birthday!" Yesterday was of course Veteran's day, and I spent a lot of time praying for the souls lost to war, and just thinking about the men and women who sacrificed life and limb protecting our great Nation. Being a military member joins you into a brother-hood you can never leave. It truly is a wonderful thing. I have friends wherever I go because I served.

       We are getting no closer to financial salvation, we are actually getting closer to need a miracle at this point. We may get evicted and we may also lose our car. Hopefully I will hear back from the employment agency today, maybe by the end of the day I will have another job! Wouldn't that be something!

    It is a painful place in our lives right now, I am trying to hold on to the hope that I have always maintained. We will survive, it is what we do. Hubby has hit a sad streak, well honestly it's depression, so I am doing what I can to help him ride it out. In the meantime I will be taking St. John's wart supplements to keep my mood up.

      I will be saying lots of prayers. Perhaps today is a day I need to fast to reminds myself of what I am praying for.

   Have a wonderful day everyone! I'm off to work! God Bless!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Day 44-49: Restless Attitude; Productive Mind

 Hello all!
     Our situation has improved very little. It's sad I know. It feels very hopeless at this point, but I know better. Work has been producing small amounts of money that is put right back into gas and food... But it is a good environment. I feel good when I am there! Which is important for me. I signed up with a temp agency and applied for a few positions, I received a callback, but my phone was dead so I returned the call and hope to hear back tomorrow.

       I have been feeling restless, sad and lonely lately. I have given into none of these feelings however. They are completely unproductive to my life at the moment so I have chosen to ignore them. Which, as it turns out, is not easy at all. Keeping myself busy with purposeful tasks has helped immensely. Our situation is so pitiful at the moment that hubby and I have just kind of turned inward on ourselves. We are doing everything we can, leaving no stone unturned, and also looking for ways to open new doors and prevent a similar disaster in the future.

    All of these things has lead me to give considerable thought to what I want to be when I grow up. What kind of career I want to have. I have taken personality tests, aptitude tests, and career tests. They all turn up the same results, and it still leaves me feeling discouraged. I want to be a mover and a shaker, I want to make a difference in the world (grandiose much?) I want to be the things that everyone tells me I am, strong, confident, thinker outside the box, motivator, instructor etc...

     I went to church today, it was wonderful. I still can't believe I have wasted so many Sundays not going! There is also a football game event thingy at church this afternoon and Ethan and I will be going, hopefully the hunny too. Church lately has been bringing me to a place where I feel like I need to have a break down, but since I am uncomfortable showing that side of myself to anyone, I fight it. I cried on the way home, I feel like I might start crying now. I am overwhelmed with God breaking my heart, and I have no idea how to just accept it and live for him, and I think a big part of me is just scared. I just feel shaky and weak. Which is not me at all. I am known for powering through, pushing further than anyone else, and being a rock, a shelter, amid the storm. I don't know how to collapse, how to give in. What's worse, is that I don't trust anyone to help me break either. I don't trust a single soul to hold me, a shoulder to cry on. I actually think crying is a disgusting but necessary thing. Like throwing up. I hate it. So instead, I sit with that feeling, that gets stronger and stronger, feeling like I am coming apart at the seams, but the fabric is too pretty to give...

     My goal today is to break. To break myself and make something new. To rip apart the seams, wide open and stitch back together something stronger in its place. My goal is to give up on myself, and just let it all go, give everything up to God and walk away from all of it.

    Which makes me think about a conversation I had last night about why we get married. Sometimes I think I got married because I wanted to help my husband be a better person, I was already pretty awesome. I know I could live a full life without him, however sad that may be, but I truly believe he could not live without me. So I need to use that knowledge to make that person I know inside break free. I am going to do what the Marine Corps taught me (HAPPY 238th Birthday Marines!) and lead by example. I know I can do this, probably because I also know that I don't have any other options.

     God take me broken, and burned. Make me into a vessel for your will. Amen.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Day 38-43: Deciscions and Regrets

Hello all!
   My work schedule has me cramming in family time at odd hours, so for now, my blog posts will be sporadic. I am doing what I can to stay afloat, but more than anything I am doing what I need to stay sane.

     The last few days were hectic, with Halloween, parties, Costume contests, DJ shows and the like. Hubby and I have developed this revolving schedule that I am really starting to enjoy. On Halloween, we gathered as a unit to the Mother in law's town to go trick or treating with Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, Uncle Rob and Grandma. Ethan was Yoda, a home-made costume from mom, made from a brown blanket and some green fleece I had around. He looked like a total BOSS! He got lots of candy, that has since been devoured by all... Later that same night I baby sat for a friend so her and her hubby could get some time together. The next day was all about recovery for certain parties (myself NOT included) and prep for the big DJ show. The show itself was incredible, yet our new venue is large, we need to reach a much broader spectrum of people to have the turnout we want. We are going to keep trying provided the owner will let us.

   Saturday I worked a double while hubby and our "adopted" son went to the Marine Corps ball. Ethan was at grandma's so when Mommy got home from work she had the WHOLE house to herself. Never have I felt such bliss. Well aggravation at my dirty house, then bliss after it was cleaned. I spent some much needed QT with an old friend. Sunday I got up early and went to church.

   Church was absolutely amazing! I am still reeling from it! I cannot believe I do not go every week (which I really plan to change) It was just so wonderful to go, see some friends I love dearly and be in God's presence. I want to promise myself that I will go every week, but I am so scared that I can't keep even that. I will do my absolute best though!

   The last few days I have been encountering quite a few former and active military members, they are informed by my coworkers that I was in the military and flag me down for a chat. So far I have been invited to the American Legion, Amvets, and received phone numbers from everyone if I am ever of need. I fully plan on going and making myself familiar with these organizations. Starting Wednesday night at the American Legion.

           All this time spent with other service members has been making me think a lot about the paths in life, and the recent decisions I have made. One of which was telling my hubs to be a stay at home dad for a little while. I don't know why, but the thought came to me and it just feels right. Like it makes sense and was there all along type of thing. A few people have expressed concerns that my honey should not be barred into a "wife's" duty or some such shit. I just really feel it is a good decision and when I came home from work today to see my husband and my son sitting at a card table like it was an every day thing eating dinner and talking like 2 adults (as much as Ethan can talk), my resolve was hardened. Then to hear my husband tell me all the things he taught my son that day. How to put his toys away, put his dishes up, cook dinner (he stirred, added spices and put things away) how to wipe his hands and face after eating... My hubs does not have a ton to do at home, but I think he feels fulfilled being home with our son everyday, and because my husband and I were both in the Marines together we know better than anyone how teamwork goes. I know how to be a provider and my husband knows how to be a nurturer, we adapt. We do it well. I feel that he will grow tired of it after a while and find himself some kind of work if nothing falls down the pipeline by the time I get hired somewhere else. But I think the lessons he will learn by his own hands and by the light of his son's eyes will be more than worth whatever time he thinks he may have lost.

     With all of this I can say that I feel peaceful, happy and sure. We are still fighting to get everything back together financially, but our home life is peaceful. How many people can say that in our position? How many people can say that at all? I can honestly say at this moment, I feel I have no regrets about my life so far. I work hard, and I have more to show for it every single day. I prove to myself on a regular basis that I can be pushed just a little bit further, that I have everything I need, and everything I want (except maybe a beautiful bouncing baby... that would be a nice addition, but there is time yet for that!)

     God Bless you! and I truly hope that you have what you need today!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 37: Escape Hatch

   Today's trip to CUOC was... not stimulating.  I went there, pleaded my circumstances and have to wait like all the others. Thursday I will know more. Today I realized that living in the moment isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it is best to focus on the future...

  I've only just realize that all of the wonderful conclusions I come to are for nothing. All of the things I think about, and the solutions to problems and the fastest path through the maze... They are all nothing.

   I have already discussed that I think a lot. Well, it turns out that is a lie. I don't think. I worry. I have managed to get the anxiety issues under control and yet I still worry. Always. About stupid, stupid shit. I worry because I have a lack of information. All the time. I worry that there are too many puzzle pieces to make it all fit and create a pretty picture. I have literally wasted years of my life worrying about things that never come to pass, or are completely survivable when they do. I worry because the human psyche is fragile. So many things impact it, and I see people on a daily basis suffering from a damaged psyche. Self-image, complexes, phobias - you name it. These people have such a hard time living life and loving and being who they are and I never once thought that I was one of them.

    The human psyche is not fragile. It is durable. There are people you meet every single day that have suffered incredible hardships. People who were horrifically abused, people who were attacked, neglected, scapegoated and just wronged their entire lives, and yet they still go on, to happy lives no less! For a long time I thought I was one of those people. I am not. I am perpetually worried that the inevitable will happen and when it does I won't react.

   I have created a reality that revolves around pain. Masked in the most beautiful costume of love. I stress, worry and break down over nothingness, and in turn create discord with my little family, and probably my reality of not-haves. There has been a part of me for the last few months worrying incessantly that I am wasting my life. That I am not doing enough good in the world and that I am not what I should be. What I am really doing is what I have done my entire life. I am rushing things. Ever since I was little I remember wanting to be older, to be different, for this life event or that life event to take place, and almost all of them did before their time. I rushed my way through everything, and at 25, I feel so damn old.

   I have lived so many things in such a short period of time that I forget I have not really lived at all. I spend my days worrying about what I should be doing instead of actually doing them, and fearing the consequences of the most minor things (i.e. my car breaking down and not getting back up) What would happen if my son didn't get to play outside today? This week? I am starting to think he will survive, and not become a mule. What would really happen if my car broke down and I couldn't get it to start back up? I'd call people. If no one answered I would walk. Walking has saved my life many a time.

   All I wanted to do today was enjoy my time off. All I wanted to do was work on my sister's Christmas present (I think she might actually read this so I can't tell any of you, but it's awesome) What I did instead was I helped my neighbor rake leaves, for 3 hours. My neighbor's are elderly and he had a leaf blower and was kind enough to blow all of the leaves from my yard, so in turn I repaid his kindness with some of my own. It felt good. It felt good to work for no other reason than to help. To not worry, to live my life doing what I do naturally. Help. (and not fucking it up this time)

I honestly don't do it enough, and I don't know why. I spend so much time thinking that I give my loved ones as much as I can, but do I really?

   Here is the big kicker. I worry sometimes that being married has changed me. Not as much as motherhood, but that I let little pieces of myself fall away and I have no idea why. Especially the things my husband loves about me most. They are just not there, and what has replaced it is worry. I let my art go and I still mourn that loss. I have no idea how to get it back. I don't feel like I can draw like I used to, I don't feel like if I had the paints and pallets and canvases that I would be able to paint like I used to. I don't know where it all went. I worry that my brazen attitude has left me, my boldness, my running into gunfire headfirst nature is lost...

   I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle with no resources. I don't know how to combat the mental stuff. The massive phobia that I carry around that something is wrong with me and I am so scared that someone will figure it out. That I am not acceptable. I am not normal, I am poison. I know in my mind that these things are not true, I know that what I am up against is the greatest evil in the world, even worse than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I am fighting a disease of the mind that some how, some where took a foothold when I was weak. Have I let this grow inside of me because I don't know what it is to live without it?

   I always used to think that God brought me to people. Maybe he brings them to me. I do not know what I would be without them. I don't know if I have ever stood alone. I've never desired the spotlight (in adulthood) I learned that credit will come to me, regardless of who is in the limelight. I have grown to be this person who slips in and out of realities to be a different person from the same central source. Like an actress' change of costume, I am another character altogether. I don't know the meaning, I don't know why I am here, and maybe it is time I owned up to that. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life, and for once, maybe that is ok. Am I too old, or too young? I think I have been reliving the good ole days with a tint too rosy. What good is it to me to dwell on what was, or never had been? What good will come of my mistakes when I repeat them?

   I feel so old because I have lived so much in such a very short time. Yet... yet, raking leaves with my neighbor today, who'd been married 50+ years, with mistakes of his own, he survived. He lived, and he and his wife are happy, kind and generous. I do not see them waiting for death. I see them counting their blessings one by one every day. By the time I made it that far in my life I will be in my 70's. Such a far off way. All I do is spend my days worrying for an ending that already came and went.

   The story is over. But there is always another book.

Good Night All! God Bless you!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Day 32 - 36: As We Head North, We Only Go South

   The long delay has been due to a lack of time recently. My new job had me working 6 days a week, then there is house work, child rearing, and water finding. I spoke to the water company today and instead of the 248 something they needed last week, they now need 310. They closed my account and did not send me a notice, they did not forewarn me, they did not attempt to call. I have been working my tail off to get together the money, and I had enough before I called them. I am beyond livid at the moment.

     Working full time again has opened up some previous issues for me, first of all I have no time for myself, hence the no blog writing. Second I am tired all the time, and third, I feel like I am not making what I am worth and since I make a living off tips, it is a blow to the ego to get a low one from people who either don't know how to tip (It's 15% for a good job and 20% for a great one) or people who don't have enough left over to tip. I almost never go out and eat because I don't have the money to tip well. More people should do the same. I enjoy working, I like the atmosphere, I like having something to do, and I like making money. I hate being away from my home. I have been doing the stay at home thing for a long time, I have a system, but working also helps me appreciate the things I did not do well when I was home.

   Sadly I feel that I am no closer to my goal of getting us out of this mess then when I started blogging about it 36 days ago. I know consciously that is not true. I have gas in my car, my electric is still on and I have $200 toward the water. I have steady income right now, I can get by a little longer. I still need a lot of help, and I have broken down and started asking for it. I will go to CUOC tomorrow and get more. I need this ship turned around yesterday.

    I did get to talk with 2 Vietnam veterans today. Nothing makes me more proud than to talk openly and honestly to other veterans. Especially Vietnam vets. They are some of the most understanding people I have come across. They were ostracized when they made it back home, there was no PTSD diagnosis, they fought to get back to work and to live a normal life, and they know better than anyone how to reach out to people. That is what they did to me today. One of my coworkers told them I was in the Corps and we talked.  What is nice is I will be seeing them again, and even better, I will be taking their advice to heart and doing exactly what they told me to.

   Yesterday I had to fill up all of our water containers before work, and attempt to create some semblance of normalcy around here. I am fighting being dehydrated during the day because I want to make sure my son has enough water, so I drink water at work, as much as I can. I broke down and spent $3 on a container of baby wipes because I just cannot keep up with washing mine right now. As much as I don't have I am still doing everything I can to give what I have. I do my best to be helpful at work, I do everything I can to help my friends with anything I can offer (cloth diapers, a shoulder, time spent, advice anything I have)

    The amount of things I need is rapidly increasing and they will all have to wait. I need another pair of pants for work. Currently I have one pair that fit, and one pair that is too big, I would like to go to the thrift store and pick up 2 more pair, but that is later. The car is getting worse, breaking down on me just about every time I drive it. I really need new underwear. My 5 pairs just isn't going to last me, and my favorite and only other bra besides the one I am currently wearing just busted. The underwire is poking out and a repair would only be temporary. With my first paycheck I will have to buy nonslip shoes for work. I have already fallen twice and it hurts very badly, and it slows me down to have to walk slow. Time lost is money lost. None of this can be taken care of until the water is back on, my rent is paid and my car payment made. Once those things are taken care of I will have to reassess the value of the items I just listed and figure out which one next.

    I am doing everything I can with what I have, and that is what matters. I am not sitting here whining about what I don't have, I am sitting here laying out my cards and figuring out how to play them best.  That is all for today!

   God bless you all!

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Day 31: Dichotomy

   The world revolves on a teetering balance. The balance between good and evil, pain and pleasure, love and hate. The more you examine everything the more you will come to realize that everything all goes back to balance. Without balance the base of everything we know would begin to crumble.

    Last night I had sat down to write, when there was a knock upon my door. It was nearing midnight and my husband and I were confused. A wonderful neighbor came to invite me over for a drink. It was amazing to make a new friend and to realize that the more people I have in my life who are not like me, the better it makes me!

    We talked about a lot of things, and what I realized is that people who do not share my mindset do not always have to be disagreeable. It was beautiful to have someone to sharpen my mind against. I know that last night will not be a one time thing. A new relationship devolved last night and although I though I could not have any more friendships, one more was just what I needed!

   Life as of right now it hitting the height of discomfort. No running water is nothing short of a disruption in life at this point. I only made $14 last night I made more than that in reality, but somehow I lost a little more than $10. Which still is not a productive night. When I prayed for the night to be lucrative, I was thinking of money. God had other plans.

    Sadly, this may have pushed getting my water back on to Friday. Friday is also the day I have to pay the electric $250 to keep it on. The issues at hand are beginning to compound and the pressure is rising. Nothing we can't handle though!  I am unsure of what else to say, simply because I don't really understand how my life is different from anyone else's. Living with no money is not really something that I think about until it gets to the point where I simply have no options. I am currently working 6 days a week and it is enjoyable and stressful at the same time.

    Before I go to work, and once I get there I pray and God gives me everything I need. I stay focused on God, and who I think I am now, and I am able to maintain an amiable presence the entire night. It is exhausting. I am so tired by the time I get home every night, and I am sad that I don't get the time with my husband and my son that I used to, but for now, I think God wants me to be around other people. Last night taught me that I have more to offer in listening (which I am not good at) and being a friend. I have nothing to ask for, and everything I need right now. It is simply convenience that I lack, and I am ok with that!

   Have a fabulous day everyone! It is time to get ready for work! Keep the balance and May God bless your footfalls!

Monday, October 21, 2013

Day 27-30: Synopsis

Hello all!

     Sorry I have been absent for a few days, it was quite busy here with general life stuff and work.
I believe the last I wrote was Thursday night. So let's discuss Friday.

Friday was not a fun day, it was filled with general obnoxiousness and frustration. I was pretty mad all day. I went out Friday night and it was terrible. A friend did buy me a drink, but after I had one I wanted another and couldn't so me and the hubby went home. Hubby did not get water like I asked so we had none at the house. We ended up having to go to Walmart with our ebt to get water and a little food that doesn't need water to be cooked. We ended up watching a movie and it was actually a good time.

    Saturday we organized and talked and we both had to work at 5 so we decided to meet at the bar after work. Hubby tried to go crazy because he finally had money so I had to take it and hide it from him, we did have a very good time together. It was overall a good night.

    Sunday I woke up after only 6 hours sleep, not enough to recover, the Mother in law dropped Ethan off, and I had to leave for work shortly thereafter. Work was slow, but I made a decent amount to add to the growing "turn water back on" fund. The electric company gave us until Friday to pay $246.77 to keep us going. So we are getting on the right track!

    Today I went to my friend's house down the road and filled up my water containers. I flushed my toilets and I am stripping some diapers that needed to be washed anyway. Hubby had his interview and was told the applications will be processed within the next few days and he will get a phone call. Prayers all around. I have to work this evening and I have another full week with one day off. I work mostly evenings with one day shift. I am happy that I am able to contribute financially on a regular basis. This also leaves me with plenty of time with my son, and plenty of time to continue working on my diapers. I am happy to have a way to ease the burden on my husband's shoulders of providing for a family. There is even a chance that if we can do well in the next few months that we may consider adding to the family. We already cloth diaper and breastfeed (or did breastfeed) My son eats what we eat, and we have tons of his clothes left over. I would not be above dressing a girl baby in boy's clothing. But that is something to think about at a later date....

     Well, it is time to get ready for work! I hope all of you have a blessed day!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

Day 26: How It All Went So Very Wrong

    Recently, I have felt compelled to pray - for patience. Some part of my brain thinks I need it. I think I already have enough to be a martyr. Apparently not. I let it slip when I was praying at work today too. "Lord, give me the strength and patience (oh shit, why'd I say that?! Too late now, better roll with it) to handle these things in my life to make positive changes. I almost never say "amen" because I never feel like I am quite done. I'll think of something else, and I always do.

   From what I can tell, praying for patience does not instantly bestow upon thee, patience. No. You get trials, and through living those trials, you then receive patience. Because you had to, or else. I do indeed have a lot of patience. Anyone who has met my husband knows that I absolutely had to or else I'd be a widow. Or in prison. Probably both. And my son is exactly like his father and me combined. Who remembers when I was little and would scream my lungs out when I got mad? Yeah, my son started doing that this week. Prefect angel I was not.

   My life as of right now is nothing short of obnoxious. I am usually ok going with the flow, recently I have become irate because no one will see things my way. Sadly, I am right 99 times out of 100. At least at home. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive to everything, or if everyone under my roof is deliberately trying to piss me off. Either way, I need more patience to deal with it, which means that events will arise to create more patience within me. yay.

  For example; my husband was supposed to fill up our water containers while I was at work. He did not. No dishes, no flushing, no clean hands, no cooking, no drinking water, basically we can only do 50% of everything. I will go and fill them up tomorrow, but simple requests should be filled simply.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, my only day off this week, and I get to spend it with my friend doing my laundry and showering. Also, come hell or high-water I am going to get out of the damn house. I am going to go out, I don't care if I sit by myself all night I am not sitting here. I need a break, I am in desperate need of a little fun and tom foolery.

That is all for tonight, I can't spend another moment thinking about this! Have a fabulous night and God Bless!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Day 25: The Crux of the Matter

     Today, did not go as planned. The government shutdown has ceased with the emergency assistance so I was unable to receive any help. Which actually made me feel a lot better. I can handle no water for a few more days, or however many days it takes to come up with the money, as long as I am on my own steam. Since I don't come off training until Saturday, we will have no water until at least Monday. I also think my husband may have possibly given my son soda. Which is a major crime against the Kingdom of Reid. He is going to pay dearly if that is what happened. He does have an interview on Monday, so perhaps a survivable punishment.

     The car died twice on the way to work, as in I was going down the road at 40 MPH and all of a sudden it is reading 0 RPMs, no power steering, no gas, dead. Twice, it did that. Then again on the way home. Twice. It scared me so bad that I am no longer driving the car. It has to go into the shop eventually, so it may as well be this weekend. Hopefully. Fingers crossed and prayers all around. And that means my amazing friends will be driving me into work. Thank the good Lord I have such a network of love here!

     There is a certain squeamishness around the whole no money thing. There is a belief that one who lacks a financial repertoire is poor. I am not poor, I lack funds. There is a difference. Look at the government. Ok, bad example, look at a college student. An entrepreneur. What makes a person poor is believing that there is never enough to go around. That everything is finite, non-renewable resources, and that they have to work for nothing, so for nothing they will work.

    A person who is wealthy manages their wares with care, they understand the immediate value of something, pull it from the dirt and polish it to a high shine. They do not waste time on investments with low return. They are intimately aware with their own value, and the value of their own hands. Work is not something to complain about, it is a future to build.

    I am young, I battled with a strong bout of naiveté most of my life. There is only one cure for that, knowledge, wisdom and experience, and that is a hopeful remission at best. When I took my ASVAB prior to entering the Marine Corps I scored exceptionally high on my patterns portion of the test. That means that I can figure out patterns, fast, and accurately, and sometimes I see a pattern from something that might actually be random. What I have found in the patterns of my life is that events are constantly repeating (not new information thanks, Herodotus). That the events follow a specific sequence unless something is done to alter them. Water is going to continue to flow in one determined path until it meets a resistance, then it simply flows around it, it forges a new path, undetermined altogether.

    Things have begun to meet resistance in my life on all sides. All of my new solutions to these problems will forge a new path for my life. I have to continue to believe that there is a point to all of this, it makes sense to God, and within the tapestry of the universe and within my immediate community. I am building upon foundations laid down long before I ever thought to exist. I am much greater than the sum of my parts, and as this change is beginning to unfold before my feet, it shakes the ground a forces me to move.

     My frustration at life is a lack of awareness. Isn't that always the way? I simply do not know what is going to happen, today, tomorrow... Ever. I am not afforded the great crystal ball. If only I could find a treasure map to life, with the major points highlighted.... Then again, what would I lose in simply looking for the treasure?

    Maybe that is why I am good at patterns, I need to know. I need to know as much as humanly possible about as much as I can all the time. Also, may be why I hate surprises. That's enough for now! Tomorrow then! Good Night all! God bless you :)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Day 24: As it Falls it Breaks

     Another good day at work! I think it is partially that I haven't worked as a server in so long and partly because I really just need to get out more. Transforming the husband into the house mouse is not going as well as I planned. On top of that unsuccessful mission, the water was cut completely off today. It's been 4 weeks without water and it's roughly $250 to get it back on.

   What that means for us is, first of all, no dishes, no cleaning anything that requires water, no filling water bottles to drink later. So now that I have no option for convenient water, I am incredibly thirsty. I did take my car down the road to my friend's to fill up my large 16Qt pot, 2 buckets, and 2 pitchers with water. and we are already down to 1 pitcher and 2 buckets.

    This is the part that sucks. I have to go to social services tomorrow to see if they can help. Now that I have a job, I am able to (hopefully) prevent this from ever happening again, so they will help if they can. I hate going to social services. It makes me feel like the lowest form of life. I think I might actually feel better if I turned tricks for money or danced in my underwear. But those things violate the terms of my marriage (and I'm sure eventually my dignity - no offense on anyone who does those things to survive, I pray you don't fit the stereotype.)

   I HATE, repeat hate asking for help. I really, really do. There are some things that don't bother me, if I don't know how to do something I can ask, if I don't know a word, phrase or concept I will ask or look it up myself (Like today, the digestive cycle takes 33 hours in an adult male and 47 in an adult female, averages of course - mayo clinic website) Asking for help on something that I should know, something that I should be able to do - and for whatever reason can't, or asking for help from someone who may mock me for it later, I only do if the potential consequences are outweighed by the reward. I.e. having electricity, vs. getting my ass chewed by a loved and respected family member, making me feel more worthless.

   Although all of that sucks it's ok. I will go, pray that they can help, try to formulate plan B the entire time if they can't, come home, relax for a bit then go to work. Also on my list of things I hate doing, calling the electric company and attempting to come up with a payment schedule with my currently unknown pay schedule and/or potential income. Also, talking to my landlord for the same reasons, and both of those things also should be done tomorrow. I am caught between wanting to know how much I owe everyone, and desperately not wanting to know. Simply because I feel I would be less stressed out by the massive amount I owe immediately if I didn't know what it was.

     On top of all of this, my hubby and my son are not adjusting to my work schedule as nicely as I hoped. So needless to say I was overly aggravated in a very short period of time today, by a grumpy husband and even more grumpy child. I have never been so happy for Ethan's bed time. On a positive note, I need to stay motivated. I figured how much I need to make each shift to support us until hubby finds a full time job or gets enough regular DJ shows to equate a regular paycheck. Three a week for him and $70 a shift for me. I do possess enough self discipline to maintain my bearing around shitty customers (because we have all been there) and to keep my focus on the end goal no matter what, so I am thinking $70 a shift won't be a problem.

    I did make a list of the Christmas gifts I plan to make with the intention of working on each a little everyday praying that I can complete them before Christmas. To include a comic book for my brother (who actually doesn't like me, but thinks my son is awesome) "How to Propose to Your Totally Awesome Girlfriend in Ten Easy Steps!" I don't really think he'll like it, but hopefully he will get the hint. I think if they somehow go south, I'll give him up as a brother, to have her as a sister. She is that awesome.

    For today I am grateful, that I have work, a warm home, food to eat, borrowed water to drink and clean with. An amazingly smart child who is learning new words everyday! He actually said "Hiiiiiiii!" When I walked in the door today! A husband who, although grumpy, feels it necessary to bestow upon me annoyingly aggressive cheek kisses every 30 minutes or so, then asks me even more irksome questions like "Maggsters? Do you love me?" Yes, occasionally I do opt not to respond. I am happy to have them to share my life with, and I am even more happy that God has a plan for me. I can keep that as my main focus and the rest will be background noise. Those are my final words for today! Have a fabulous evening! God Bless you!


Monday, October 14, 2013

Day 23: It Begins

 For once in my life I took my own advice. I sat down with one of my favorite books last night before bed; 48 Laws of Power  by Robert Greene. It is an excellent read. I only read one chapter, and one was enough. Law 30.

    In this chapter Greene discussed how it is better to hide the efforts of your labor to appear more graceful. Keep the secrets of your success hidden, like you could always do more and to keep those success tips from being used on you. The book itself is amazing, wrought with historical anecdotes, fables and general information backing every law. I only ever read it one chapter at a time when I need the philosophy of it. It leaves me to think freely and calm myself. It is much better for the absorption of the material to read it one chapter at a time. If I read too many I get overly excited. Anyway, on to my first day at work!

    I arrived 10 minutes early, because I hate being late, and I always want to get off to a good start. I did get up early enough to do my hair and makeup. I met with the manager, the lowest ranking one opened today, the two I interviewed with were off today. I started with paper work followed by learning the general rules of this particular establishment. I have worked on and off in the service industry for years, I do enjoy it, and once I got going it was business as usual. I actually felt like I had been there for years.

   All I really need to learn is the menu, which will be cake. It does feel good to be back in the workforce with the public again. Sadly I will already be missing events. My hubby is DJing for a friend this Saturday night, and I have to work, bummer. It will be my first night on tables so my first night receiving tips. Which means I have 4 days left to learn the menu well enough to answer questions. My husband is convinced he is the best server alive, so I am sure he will be sharing his secrets with me. I am fast, pretty and charming enough to do well, all I need is a little extra boost and I can blow everyone else out of the water.

   The restaurant itself is a very nice place. Clean, well maintained and a very nice sports/family atmosphere. The other employees were agreeable. I make no judgments until I get to know people, so I will keep everyone posted. I did come home incredibly tired today. It did not feel like it took that much energy, but I have been out of the serving game for a long time.

I suppose I don't have much else to say. The day went well, I received my schedule, I work every day this week except Friday. I am eager to get down with the 'training" and making some money and getting this show on the road.

Good Night folks! Have a blessed evening!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Day 22: Revolutionary

 Hello there!

   Welcome back! as we all know, tomorrow is my first day at my new job! I am excited and a little nervous at the same time. We will discuss why in a moment. First let me divulge to those of you who don't know, I might have a teensy weensy mean streak.....

     I am nervous because I hate the general population. In one of my first blogs I mentioned how I can read people. I'm pretty good at it. So if you have an ulterior motive, chances are I know about it from the get-go, that also goes for lying, also known as two-facery. None of which I appreciate. I generally hate other girls because their issues are things I overcame a long time ago or, more commonly, all of their problems are due to their own stupidity and/or self-sabotage and they refuse to see that. I do not have time to listen to them whine. I don't even like to hear my own child whine, so their problems can go fish. My exceptions to these rules are; if they have a genuine problem and need someone to listen, if my advice is ever asked and if I have some to give. or if they are honest and upfront about anything, even if I am being a huge bitch and they feel the need to tell me.Which I posses the capacity for, and I am also good at.

    I plan to deflect all of these negative things from happening by clearly stating that I am there to make money, not friends. It is my favorite thing to do at a new job, because then the girls get it. Like I suddenly tattooed "save the drama for your mama" on my forehead! Very effective. I am even better at not making friends with these people. Someone will worm their way through, they always do, but if they get past all of my defenses, then they might actually be worth it!

     The other thing I am worried about is that I talk too much (Who, me? Nah!) So occasionally that gets me in trouble, and since I have to talk to the customers, it will be daily practice on tact and compendiousness. Might want to start by putting my adult vocabulary on the table and pulling out my grammar school one instead.

   I have done little to prepare for my big day tomorrow. I am starting to feel like a good place to start would be with The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli... A few things come to mind, such as, people do not like it when you are condescending. It is better to be thought a fool to get in close... Wow, this is getting a little macabre. Hopefully you get what I mean. In order to build yourself up, sometimes you have to tear things down. It is best to have the foresight and wisdom to know when to cut certain people from your life. My brain moves too fast for me not to play games at court. I really should have been born in another century entirely.

    I will give a full after action report on the morrow. Good Night all!
God Bless you in your endeavors!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Day 21: Let Us Compare

Today was spent among friends, and you all know how I love my friends. These people have become my wish list family, accepting me as who I am, for where I am. Knowing I could be better, and loving me despite my many faults.

   In a conversation with one said friend this evening, I discovered that I have not laid out what it is like to live everyday without money. It is normal to me. For most of my adult life I have rarely had extra income with which to dispose on frivolous things. If I am in need of something, I cannot just go to the store and get it. Chances are I do not have the money on hand for it. I do receive some government assistance and I am not proud of that so I try to hide it. If I am in need of food, I can get food. But if I need anything else I cannot get it. Gas in my car, any kind of soap (laundry, shower, dish) I cannot pay to get my water back on, which means I cannot afford anything else.

  Living day to day with no money has become a lifestyle for me. Sad, but true. Currently I am in need of new underwear, because I always buy the 5 for $7 packs at wally world, they tend to fall apart faster. So the waistband elastic is coming away from the waistband, oh well. They still function. We are getting low on toothpaste here, so we use less to make it last longer, and when that runs out we can use our toothbrushes and mouthwash. If I don't have the money for gas, then I do not go anywhere, and when I need to go somewhere I ask for a ride, or dig around the house for enough change to put $5 in the tank. I don't know if any of you live like this, or if any of you are appalled at how I live. I am just giving you the facts.

    When my son was 3 months old, my sister bought me a plane ticket to go visit her. My sister works herself to death and makes a good living at it. She loves her career. When I got to her home, and we started to spend time together, ultimately we needed to go to the store for something. I was simply blown away by the fact that my sister could have anything she wanted within the store, disregarding the price because she had ensured that she had a career worth her time. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. What it must be like!? One day on my trip, we went into target, I think my son was running low on diapers (back when I used disposables) and on the way toward the front of the store, she saw several articles of clothing that she liked, so she bought them. In my world, those things do not happen. Not here. I have yet to be so affluent in my life that I can simply pay my bills, and have money left over for anything. Every purchase I make is wrought with decisions.

    If I need two items of equal importance; chances are I can only afford one. gas or the internet, electric or water, rent or the car payment. None of these things are equal in price, but they are almost equal in value. We are going on 3 weeks without full running water. There is a trickle. It takes 4 minutes to fill up my huge gumbo pot with water. 6 of those pots equals a load of laundry. One pot equals a sink of dishes, or a shower. I have already prioritized my electricity over my water. I can keep my food because my refrigerator runs. I can keep my phone charged for the ever important phone calls from my bill collectors, and potential employers. We can run the heat on the cold nights.

  Money is a tool. It is not something to be run by. Not something to aspire to have. I do not panic because I have no money, I do not feel bad about myself. It is simply how I live, and how I have lived for a long time. Even though I have been to college, I have no degree. Even if I did, I am sure the career I would choose would not make me wealthy. All money does, is give you more options. More options for the easy road. I am not choosing to live a life with no money, I am choosing to live a life that I lead. Money would be nice. There are many, many things that I would like to have - mainly more craft supplies, but as long as we can afford to pay the bills we have, extras will have to come later. Which, at the moment we can't right now, so everything has to come later.

    For those of you have been to my home, you have seen the great many things my husband and I have collected through the years of value. There was once a time when we did have money, and when we did we bought nice things, we did not manage our money well, and I believe we are here, in our tight spot now, to learn to manage it well. But, while we had money, we bought nice things, and we have held on to them as dearly as we could. We do have a lot of stuff. Most of it was given, a large portion of it was purchased second hand, and there are a very small number of things that we have paid outright for. Even when we had money, we did not buy things on a whim. What we did wrong, was we thought there was always more. We would cut a check for rent, knowing it didn't come out until our second paycheck and we would spend that check. We spent $200 a week on groceries, mostly junk, we would go out every weekend, whether to a movie, a mall, dinner or the bar, sometimes all of the above. But we did not watch. We did not pay attention to what we spent, more often than not, we would forget to pay something. The phone or the internet usually. We failed to budget when we had extra cash.

  There is one more thing we have done, and not always to survive, and that is dumpster dive. Aha! Now you recoil in disgust! I haven't met very many people who have seen something outside of a dumpster and not taken it home with them. Or on the side of the road. Dumpster diving is not a survival skill, it is a way of life. I see things that other people do not. (Like my personal cop radar everyone appreciates) I see the value in things broken, or misused. There is no good reason that I cannot revive something! After all, I have revived myself many a time. Remember, money is just a tool...

Good Night and May the Lord bless you for your work today, with rest tomorrow!


Friday, October 11, 2013

Day 20: Winds of Change

    I felt it today. An internal earthquake. It was small at first, then as the seismic waves began to pulse, it shook me to my core. Something gave, and in that place, something else grew.  I don't know just what yet, but something has changed. Change is always good.

    I feel electrified, I am excited, and scared. There is always fear. New experiences always bring in a few unsettled waves to push you farther from your comfort zone. I know that things can never be the same, so I choose this moment to remember where I am, where I came from, to look back on.

   I don't even know where to start. My childhood? That is too cliché. I can begin my first day of college, when I began to know that I alone was going to be the force in my life...

    August 23, 2006. All I can remember is the drive. The last few moments actually. My mother and my step-father (a saint among men for taking in a 17 year old, when he had no kids of his own, and no obligation to me after my dad and I had a bad fight and I got kicked out) drove me to Elmira college. I remember being relaxed, excited and very happy. Until we got on the campus. Then a fear like I had never experienced before took hold of me. I was nearly paralyzed, and utterly panic stricken. I began to repeat over and over to my mom that I couldn't do it. I begged her to take me back home. (Yes, we are still talking about me) She laughed. And laughed some more, I was being ridiculous, so she had every right. I'm sure it was funny. But in that moment, I felt surely I would die.

    Fast forward a few weeks; I'd settled in, made amazing comrades and truly began to wonder of my worth. I did not date in the year or more I lived with my mom and step dad, so I was excited that I finally had the option. Although I was interested in plenty, I always wondered if they were just teasing me. All awkward teenager-suppressed and all that. Aside from my many social circles, and the 2 jobs I maintained in the campus café and diner, my studies were amazing. Some of them sucked. I didn't particularly enjoy the mandatory core classes. I don't even remember what it was called. Then there was the mandatory freshman English 'class on Saturday morning' yup. That one sucked so badly - I had to do it twice. Yes, I failed my freshman college English course from shear laziness and lack of desire. In all honesty the prof. weirded me out. No excuse.

    With all of that, I had my sanctuary. My art class. 3 hours, a few days a week. I honestly don't remember if it was 2 days or 3. Or 2 days one trimester and 3 days the next. I remember that I wasn't very good at actual drawing or painting. But what I was good at was vision, and learning. I learned techniques that have never left me. I had a natural knack for thinking outside the box, but the actual technique and action had to be learned. We had a pass-code-after-hours art studio, available to all the art students. I spent so much time in there. I can still remember standing outside talking to Johnny, freezing my ass off while we smoked. I can remember the hours I spent staring at my paintings in the painting section of the studio, then the hours in the drawing studio. How I grew with each piece....

   I loved that college. Loved it more than I can say. It was my first home of my own doing. My first experience in being my own person. The first time I had been stripped from any blood relative. No brothers to threaten my boyfriends, no sisters telling me I'm doing it wrong, no parents to scold me when I made a mistake. Aside from my family, Elmira College had the most influence on who I would become. After 9 months at a wonderful school, with 8 short weeks before the end of term, the financial department told me I had to find $10,000 or I could not register for sophomore year.

  I was devastated. After the scholarships, grants and financial aid, there was nothing to help me. I turned to the only other thing I knew. The United States Marine Corps. I had never endeavored to be a Marine. Never did I ever think of myself joining the military, any branch. I had 2 reasons to join. The first of which was to get money for college. I could pull four years, and get a free ride. Easy-Peasy. The second, I realized I had never heard "I'm proud of you" from my father. If I did, I don't remember. I know I have daddy issues. I still love my dad, and I do not doubt that he loves me.

   With the final weeks of school coming to a close, I found a recruiter. Sgt. Moore, I believe. In Elmira (he was related to one of the owners of our favorite beer store) Once I decided, there was no looking back. I was set. Now, I know I am stubborn. back then I thought I was easy going. As long as I got my way, which was the best. I filled out mountains of paper work, I wanted to be communications, but due to some... discrepancies on my record, they pulled it and offered me Combat Engineer. With an ASVAB of 83 to boot. I went home, no longer feuding with the majority of my family, as I was nearly the entire time in college, I stayed with my dad, we talked, and talked some more. About so many things. My dad has a wonderful ability to be incredibly real about life. A lot of people see it as pessimism, it's just realism to me. Then again, I have known him my whole life. Maybe I'm just used to it.

    I had to travel back to Binghamton NY for MEPS, and boot camp directly after. The day I left, my recruiter gave me my paper work to go in Comm. How my life would have been different if I stayed in the Combat Engineer, I will never begin to guess. I left for 13 weeks of Marine Corps recruit training on June 6th 2007. I would never again return home, I would never be the same.


      I graduated as a PFC (thank you 22 college credits, that's the only thing you've ever done for me) on August 31st 2007. I only lost 5lbs in boot camp, while others shed by the 10s, but visibly I was lean. And I do mean lean. I spent 10 days boot leave at my dad's (where he told me he was proud of me, didn't feel like I thought it would) and was off to MCT (Marine Combat Training) for 21 days. MCT was some of the coolest training I have ever gotten. All we did was learn about weapons and survival. We did patrols, firing movements, hikes, and knowledge, always knowledge. All the things you have to know to be a Marine. We made up songs (called ditties) to memorize the parts of weapons, or styles of them. M-16: Keyword: L-M-GAS Lightweight, Magazine fed, Air-cooled, Gas-operated, Shoulder fired weapon. Awesome, right?

Then all of a sudden it was over. We graduated MCT, learned the digits corresponding to our MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) mine was 0623. And no one had ever heard of it. That is how small my field was. TRC-170 operator. Muxster. I woke up one morning in North Carolina, and 24 hours later I was waking up on a bus at 4 am to be processed in to Twenty-Nine Palms Marine Corps Base.

    This is where I met my husband. Roughly 12 hours later, running around with a broom, like an idiot, in his green on green PT gear. Sweat bottoms. Saying "Just look busy and they will leave you alone. See, that's what the broom is for!" Jack-ass. I hated him and his stupid crooked smile.

   Our love story has been told a thousand times, I will pass over it.

I spent 2 months training in my MOS, then I was shipped to my duty station. Camp Pendleton, CA. 9th Crime. I mean Comm. 9th Comm Bn. December 3rd 2007. I went home for Christmas that year, to tell everyone I was engaged. As proper recourse in my family, they hated him automatically. I came back, did 2 field ops in as many months, and was awarded a Meritorious Mast, because I know my shit. And, I'm awesome, just fyi. I loved my MOS, and I knew it up one side and down the other.

  My husband and I married between my first and second field op. Shortly after found a little apartment together, and made house. Soon I began to prepare for a 3rd field op, working 18 hour days, and incessantly SL3-ing our gear. I was the only female in my platoon. It didn't occur to me that it would become a problem until it did. I had an incident in my teen years that started to come back in my memories. With a vengeance. I began having a hard time focusing on my work, being around my fellow marines. The mental breakdown was such that I began to lose my grip on reality.  They would talk among 'men', make jokes, and other platoons had problems with male and female marines fraternizing. I was questioned as to my knowledge of the matter, since I went to boot camp with one marine in question. I never realized my problems with authority until I could do nothing about it. I never realized my issues with men, until I could do nothing about it. I was trapped in the Marine Corps, and I had zero options. I was going to deploy with these very people, over seas, where the rules of war take over.

     My paranoia set in. My husband would cradle me in bed at night as I cried. I couldn't speak. I had no idea how to change the ideas from emotions to words. I was being eaten alive by a paranoia I could not control. I had no words for it, I had no idea what was going on. I had never been so panicked, scared and trapped in my entire life. The day I realized I might have a problem was a day of safety brief. For those of you who don't know, a safety brief is the most miserable 8 hours filled with information very few regard as important and killing you libo (free) time. Everything from "wear a condom" to "don't drive drunk" At this safety brief that beautifully sunny day, they began to talk about anxiety, depression, and panic attacks.... It had stuck a chord so strongly I thought my body would shake the ground with the reverberations. I sat on the floor with marines surrounding me, shaking uncontrollably and crying the entire time. Not once did anyone say anything to me. I was so scared that the speakers were talking about me that I could not say anything. I could not accept it as my reality.

    As all bad things do, the situation escalated quickly. It got to the point where my corporals would take me into the office to discuss my pros and cons (how good are you doing/areas to improve) That I could not look at them. I pushed myself hard to be a good Marine, and as their job, they pushed me even harder. Finally one of them asked "are you scared of us?" I had a 100% crazy lady breakdown, then and there. It wasn't their fault, they were genuinely nice people, but paranoia doesn't care.

Eventually, as things got worse, I made them worse. (If you want that story, go ask someone else. That is not what is important here.) When I finally began to accept what I could not change, and the fires began to smoke and die, I got help, and with that help, I got out of the Marine Corps. I was mentally too unstable to maintain it. I was active for 16  months, General under Honorable Discharge.

     We stayed in California until my husband got out of the Corps as well. From there we moved to Nebraska, (story for another time) lived in several different abodes there for 2 years. Found out we hate the cold, and we were miserable, so we moved to North Carolina. Where we reside now. This is the longest we have maintained the same house (2.5 years) We have a large group of amazing friends here, and a community to fall back on. The lives we have built here are amazing, borderline perfect. Yet, we are still young and have much to learn. I am grateful that I learn like I do, ever changing, ever adapting. I do not regret my choices in life thus far. Aside from maybe being too scared to get help. Help has made all the difference and I am happy to say, it took years, but I can maintain myself even under pressure these days. A calm happy place makes all the difference. Where do I go? Why, back to Twenty-Nine Palms of course. Where I believed myself invincible and wore that title proudly, as I do to this day.

From humble beginnings and all that. Have a blessed night my friends! I truly hope you enjoyed this one!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Day 19: Ask and Recieve

   Alas, is the day we come full circle, breaking barriers and reaching the unachievable. Living among the stars and inhaling gold and mercury ... acting inconceivably.

     Today I got hired at a local bar and grill! I am excited because when I work outside the home I prefer to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Not serving drinks and food, but that I will be on my feet all day or night, and moving around, keeping busy, working at a fast pace. I enjoy all of those things, and they work well to help me think. or daydream. Same thing in my book!

 I had my candle party this evening, and it was wonderful! I really had a great time! It was so nice to be away from my husband and son for a little while, to just enjoy the company of other women! All of the women who came had children, and it is nice to be in the mom club. To exchange stories, and revel over our children, and just share and enjoy one another's company.

I don't have much today by way of philosophy. I am mentally preparing for being back at work.

Have a fabulous night!

God Bless!

Day 18: Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Hello my dears!

         I am going to keep this one short and sweet today! Yea for all! (That's pronounced "yay" not "yeah")
First of all, let me say this, please feel free to comment on any of my posts, I enjoy banter, and I enjoy a worthy opponent even more. I find my lack of comments disturbing.

     Moving on ... There are many things in this world that we go without, many things that create negativity, many things that simply encourage and generate stupidity. I am skipping over all of those because I would be here for 3 weeks. The thing that weighed on my heart today was, my heart. The love that I love. The amazing things brought to me in this world, and my Honest-To-God increased capacity to love because of it all.
    It is something I am good at. And something I take pride in. I adapt, and I adapt well. I have this wonderful ability to pick up on things that people need most from me and I do my best to give it. I love with all of myself and I have yet to be broken for it. Let me tell you, the more I love, the easier it is to love more.
   I have always loved my family, my brothers and sisters, my parents, extendeds, you name it. When I got married I loved my husband, and I loved him so much sometimes it hurt. I couldn't do enough to express the love. Years later I still love him, adore him even, and I love my son and it leaves me in this incredibly warm, happy place. I realized talking to my dad today, that my dad is awesome and I love him dearly, and I really mean it. When I say I love you to someone, I truly mean what I say. I'm not in love with them, but that person gives me another warm glow in my heart. When I think of them I will think of what makes them wonderful, and bring myself joy in the process.
    My message today is simple, love and be loved. Stop being whiny or holding grudges. That does nothing to the other person unless you have intent to bring them harm. Which will bring you to further ruin. Just try it. Spend time with your friends. Notice how they make you feel, enjoy their company. Bring more love into the world, it'll do us all some good!

Good Night All!

 God Bless you!

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Day 17: Catch and Release

Today was ... weird. It was cloudy, and gloomy, and Kevyn stayed up all night, so he didn't wake up until 2pm. Just weird. My crafty bones sure were itchy today!
      So itchy in fact, that I had to make something. So I did. I began working on my mother in law's Christmas present, and since I know for a fact that she does not read my blog (because I've never given her the URL and I am not sure she knows how to work the internet) I can tell you all what it is: A personal notebook. Sounds stupid right? Yeah, well I am so crafty I made her a book from scratch. Well it's not finished yet, but the hard part is over. I collected up some paper, images that I found to be visually stimulating, and a bunch of other stuff and started making booklets of pages to be bound together. I've already poked holes for stitching, but it was then dinner time and everyone hand to be tended to.
     After dinner I made some experimental cheese stuffed rolls. They are almost done baking now. I am having a Partylite, Party Thursday and I get to make the treats! I know for sure, that chocolate lava cakes are on the menu....
And so are these...
I am looking forward to this party so much! It's an excellent excuse to get out of my house, to visit with friends and leave my boys behind for a while.
While I was being so damn crafty today, I had quite a few thoughts roll through my mind. Some I've had before, and you will recognize them. I thought about how I am good at so many things, mainly thinking, I'm really good at that, but all of the crafting I can do, to the point where if I think I can make something, I will refuse to purchase it. I thought about the dynamics of my writing, and how being a creative person just rolls off me. All of these thoughts led to my end goal. Which I am still unsure of what that is. I am not quite sure what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but whatever it is, I do not want it to be something I don't enjoy.
But I don't know what that would be. I enjoy a lot of stuff. A lot. A myriad, a plethora, a slew, a heap... You get the point. I don't know how to determine what I enjoy the most, so I can figure out how to do THAT for the rest of my life. I think I just enjoy living. I have such a deep appreciation for the tides of life. Or chapters, never mind, I'm getting off topic.
For a long time, I've wanted to be a teacher. I used to day dream about it at my other jobs. The kids in my class, the subject matter, the classroom itself. What I'd wear, how I'd teach, how I'd discipline, and maintain order. My subject of choice would have been history. Though I have a stronger love for art. I picked history because I feel that I could teach in it a way to make it relatable. My love of things old and antiquated comes from my mother. We can feel the people on the other side of the timeline when we touch something old. We can feel their life. That I've always felt was important.
I did have an idea the other day that disrupted my long stood belief that I would eventually become a history teacher, that thought was this; I had a brief moment (just a little FYI, I think in pictures, I don't know what that means, but I think in hi-def. movies) of insight where I felt compelled to call one of the local schools, and ask to talk to the art department about coming in to teach the students how to bind books. Obviously, with the previous note, this whole thing unfolded in my head in a series of mashed up images from me memories and things I have yet to see. What is amazing was the feeling I got when this thought unfolded over me. I felt... fulfilled, purposeful, at peace, blissful. All at the same time.
What stopped me from doing this very thing was all of my weird insecurities, and anxiety. It was a stupid idea, they'd never go for it, I have no degree so it's automatically a "no". Things like that, stop me every day. Again, with the thinking in pictures thing, it is more like the images begin to fade, sometimes they turn dark, with the echoes of the voices I've heard telling me these very things in the background of it all.
 Yet, the images come back. All of the joy I have found in my life, the true bone aching joy, usually surrounds my art, whatever that may be. I call it being in the zone, and suddenly I have no patience and I get mean when interrupted. No wonder I've done such little art in the last 6 years.
  I wonder if I should shift my focus and become an art teacher after all. Well, we have to get ourselves out of this stupid mess before any of that can happen.
 I'm a little sad. I am sad for all the art work I haven't done. I'm sad that I want perfect circumstances to do it in, and I cannot have them. I'm sad because today, we do not have jobs. My sanctuary is becoming my prison and that is sad.
Oh well... There are many things I find peace in. Making a something out of nothing today really brought to light some things I have been avoiding in myself for a long time. Even though I have accepted the fact that I am weird by nature, I am still trying to act "normal". There is no such thing, that is not an attainable goal. What is normal for me was my life long ago, in an art studio that was all mine whenever I wanted it. And 3 am lent itself to very few other artists. That I was madly in love with my art professor (so was half of the class), and that I dreamed for myself a life of an artist. Instead I am living the life of an artist with no art to show for it. My poor hubby still denies the fact that he is any kind of artist, when truth be told, I never would have married him if he wasn't. He can't draw, big whoop, there are plenty of artist who can't.
We have vowed to have gainful employment by the end of this week. We are stubborn and very goal oriented when we want to be. So jobs we shall have. And my dreams will go in the little junk drawer they always do, until it shakes and rattles for me to let them out.
I live the life of a freelancer when I can
Creating within the world I live a special kind of brand
Between scrubbing dishes, and little children I find a peace of mind
Inside my brain where creepy things do hide
I live a life of freedom of choice, though financial freedom is not for me
I pick and choose with bill roulette Yet I'm always here for you
What is important is that little philosophy to live
What you want you can have
If you have everything to give
Good Night my peoples! I hope you've enjoyed, though it doesn't matter because I won't know!
God Bless you and remember those who are helpless, or hurting in your prayers tonight!

Monday, October 7, 2013

Day 16: Event of a Lifetime

Thanks to a wonderful friend I worked today. I made enough to put some gas in my jalopy. Hubby has a new lead, let's hope this one will go farther than the others :)

    I am already having trouble writing something. That is not a good sign. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts here...

 After working a few hours today, I came home and did my usual tidy and whatnot. My son used the potty 3 whole times! In my excitement I kept giving him more and more watered down juice and after the 3 times he soaked through his ill prepared diaper, (I really should have thought to add more inserts) and the 3 times he peed on the floor while naked, I stopped giving him juice flavored water.

  While at home today, my mind wandered, and it is a beautiful thing when I allow my brain to go where it pleases. I did run the gamut of emotions today as a woman is wont to do. I got frustrated because neither of us have jobs, neither of us have true, written in stone prospects. We won't either. Not today at least, or tomorrow. My world is written up in images, beliefs, hopes and many words of maybes, it's a sure thing, I'll get back to you.... All of these uncertainties are all we are guaranteed.
    I'm okay with that. I enjoy the moments of not knowing if the great experiment will work. If Plan A will fail and you have to start running through the other letters! All I ever seem to do well is adapt. You would think that that would make for an easy, fun filled life, but not really. Not like water, more like putty. It will crack after awhile without some solvent added to it.
       I lack action at the moment. Action. I answer the phone when it rings, deal with bill collectors, thank God most of them are understanding at this point. It is a scary thing to know that the bills are mounting and there seems to be no way to stop it right now. It's scary to take action to change it too. I always worry about wasting my time. The lessons I gleaned from the adults in my life when I was a child is that time is precious. It is a commodity that everyone wants and you cannot exchange. I abhor the thought of wasting my time on an idle task, withering away the hours I could have been doing a million other things. Yet, I do nothing with my free time.
     That's a lie. I entertained my son today. Most of my day consisted of me chasing him around the house, capturing him and eating his little hands and feet. I love nothing more than holding him in my arms and feeling him grow. Memorizing his hugs, his eyes, his little lips, fat belly and chunky legs. Watching him eat, watching him share his food with us. Learning, growing. Learning and growing. If all I ever did for the rest of my life was care for my children, because I will have more eventually, I could die happy. I could die happy tomorrow, knowing that all I ever did was love my husband and my son more than anyone on this earth could.

Anyway, I lack action. I am scared. I really am. I am scared to go and get a real job (I still have no idea what a real job is) and drive that damn car to and from, meet new people, and have people examine me all day long. That last part is probably not true. I don't think anyone analyzes people like I do. Well, not anyone I know at least. I'm scared of whatever happens next. I am content to soak up the days as they are, and pretend that nothing else exists outside of these walls. (That would be cool....) I can't. I can't just sit here, day after day, knowing that something has to happen. Income has to start back up. I have a few things that will keep me afloat this week. Next week, I don't know.

 I am beginning to wonder if that is what we have created here. A black hole. I grew up on Long Island, and anyone who lives there will tell you that place is a black hole. Even if you make it out, you will be sucked right back. I wonder if I made it out, but not without a price. Maybe I took some of that black hole with me. That is why I can sit here and believe that there really is nothing else besides these walls. This is not meant to be depressing, you are all witnessing my brain at work, every night. I do not usually begin with an idea on hand, I just begin to write whatever comes out my fingertips. You are witnessing my thought process, my ideas, solutions, etc. If I am a black hole, than everything is attracted to me correct? Everything goes into a black hole, nothing comes out. No one knows what happens inside a black hole (unless I am not up on the most recent conjecture). Maybe I can change what no one knows. That makes complete sense (taste the sarcasm). Maybe. What if, follow me here, what if what goes into the black hole is made better? That is what we all believe of God, higher powers, spiritualism, right? That what we go in as, we do not come back as.
         I really should have been a stoner. This stuff baffles even me sometimes. If any of you reading this are high *on life* let me know if it makes sense to you.
    If I can create my own reality, through the power of positive thinking, and my faith in God, then let my reality be this: Let each person that comes to me, leave me a little brighter. Let each penny I spend come back to me two-fold, let my ideas take root and grow within the heart, Let the changes that I make within myself be permanent ones, and let God above throw me a bone and let me envision my future for what it will be! I really hate surprises. Let my enemies cease to exist. That last one would be really nice. Unchristian, but I still think it, sometimes. Before I pray for their souls, albeit halfheartedly. I am a Christian in progress. Don't Judge.

Though these things I did not know were in me, are here and there nonetheless.
With these things I will make a dream to wrap myself in and rest
Peace befalls me ever more sweetly though I did not pass the test
God above he loves me, and I do what I think I should
Below my feet the ground is never sure
My head and back aching with protests
I give you what I have, I know nothing else
hold my hand and dream with me
Nothing is as safe as death.

A little poem on the fly for ya!
 Good Night all, May God bless you tomorrow and the day after that!

Tips on Being Positive

I had a thought last night, about positivity and how it can really change your entire life. Most people can tell you all the good things that happen to them because they think positively. But no one ever tells you how to think positively, and for most it is not easy. I've gathered up some tips on how to think more positively.

1. Tell yourself "F*** the silver lining"
    There is no such thing. Good things don't just sit beyond the horizon waiting for you to get there. You have to make good things happen. 

2. Fully acknowledge your shitty circumstances.
     In order to learn to be positive you have to accept that bad things happen, things that suck happen, all the time, to all of us, equally. Accept these things, mourn them, then get over it. You are wasting valuable time whining because your car broke down and you have no money, and you're hungry. Move on. Positive thinking people do not dwell on "woe is me".

3. Count your damn blessings. Seriously. Count them.
     Make a list, actually take the time to write it out. From the tiniest thing you can be grateful for to the very biggest. Here is an example of what I am grateful for; God, that I am healthy, my little shabby home, my half broke car, food in my refrigerator,  minutes on my phone, an over abundance of fabric, plenty of notions to go with the fabric, yarn, knitting needles, ass loads of books (good ones too) electricity, my neighbor's wifi, COFFEE and creamer, the little trickle of water coming out of my faucet, my brain, my friends, my brothers and sisters, and parents, step parents, in laws, my hubby and my son. That isn't even a whole list. But I thank God I have them. They make me smile and you know what, they make life a little easier too.

4. Examine possible life tools you will earn from suffering a hardship and/or surviving your shitty circumstances.
    Take a moment to think about what you can gain from living your circumstances right now. Not fighting them, not bitching about them, not wishing that you didn't have to deal with it. You've already accepted your terms if you have read this far down the list. My car is half running right now. It goes about 10 miles before it will just cut off, we don't have money to take it to the shop (even if it would go that far) and get it fixed, so we get to drive it, half broken down, if we need to go somewhere. What am I learning? First of all I am learning that having a car less than 10 years old requires more money than just the payment and insurance. They require check-ups every 30,000 miles, they also require proper and regular oil changes (that I previously held off on with my older cars). I now know that in the future, I need to allot at least 1/2 of my car payment extra every month in order to meet these guidelines for owning a newer car. We are stuck with the car, so when we finally get back on our feet and get everything fixed and pay it off, we are going to sell it and get an old Jeep (well, that's what I want at least) We plan on not purchasing a new car until we are financially stable enough to own one. That is only one of the 'less than desirable' circumstances we are overcoming right now.

    5. Accept Change
Your circumstances will not stay as they are. They never do, and they never will. Change has to happen, such is life. Good things, bad things, anything really, it will all come and go. Even though my hubby and I are enjoying the extra time we get with one another, we will soon have jobs that demand our time and attention and bills that we can pay. Until such time as your circumstances begin to shift, enjoy what you have now, enjoy what your circumstances have brought to you and in front of you and hone the new skills you are acquiring. It wasn't too long ago that my hubby and I lived in a rickety shack of a house, where the snow piled up inside my windows and floor, in a bad neighborhood, gun shots going off every night across the street, no money for food, no car, and pitiful jobs that barely got us by. We survived that, and you will too.