I am not feeling so hot today. A massive headache fell upon me last night, and I am quite tempted to call it a migraine. It was absolutely agonizing. While I prayed and begged to just fall asleep so I would not feel it any more, I couldn't help but simultaneously wish I was back in un-medicated labor. Today the headache is gone, but all the other symptoms remain. The shakiness, the nausea, the fatigue. yay me!
I spent about an hour or so cutting coupons. I was advised to clip all and organize as I go. There were few coupons for things I purchase, but a ton of coupons of things I would purchase with extra cash. I spent the remainder of the day organizing my work space (which thanks to hubby being so generous is now the kitchen and half of the connected living room.) I discovered many things when I organized (as I always do, every week) and I have allowed my mind to wander as I went. Peaceful thoughts crisscrossed in my head with stressful ones, but after a while a sense of peace spread through me.
I came up with a few ideas, and my crafty bones started to tingle. As I sit with my financial struggles, I want so badly to finally have a Christmas that I can be happy to contribute to with no cost to me except time. I thought of slippers to make, sweaters and hats for my loved ones (11 brothers and sisters, 3 steps, 10 nieces and nephews, step mom, step dad, mom and dad, one surviving grandma, mother and father in law, step in laws, brother and sister in law. 33, not counting Hubby's aunt's uncles and cousins, also excluding our friends and their children) Whew, that's a lot. Any way, I have quite a few craft skills under my belt and thought that I would love to hand bind a few books and turn them into shared, much abused and annotated family recipes. I thought of possible toys I could make for the kiddos (nieces and nephews from their teens to infants) and sadly worried desperately how everyone might hate a handmade gift, and how that is all I have to offer.
Some people may think to themselves, how wonderful to craft such things! It being all I have to offer, seems like it may not be good enough. That is the world I live in. Being in the low income bracket that I am in, it seems like everything revolves around what I don't have. Logically I know I should be unconcerned with other's perception of me, but there are those hard fought against insecurities that creep in to tell me "I am poor" "I am unloved without higher finances" "My life could be perfect with more money" and although I am happy with all I have been blessed with, these are the whispers I hear, when I am too tired not to hear them. The flip side of the coin is that more money would give me more options for things I cannot have at this moment. For example if I had more on a regular basis I could afford to make my payments on time and raise my credit score, with a better score I could get lower payments and come full circle.
I am not writing these things to gain pity among my followers. I hate pity. I am writing these to detail the events, thoughts, actions and subsequent consequences because I believe that I can do this. I believe I can build a living dream from nothing. I believe that because I want a better life for my family badly enough I will do whatever it takes to get there within the means I have available to me. I want other people to feel it too. To know that they can win this game, even with a shitty hand.
These thoughts give me strength, and build my confidence. I am crazy smart, energetic, innovative and unbelievably strong. Stringing these thoughts together, in a more concrete form helps me to see that I can do this. I can change my life, and I can have whatever the hell I want because damnit, I earned it!
I hope everyone feels their blessings today, and God gives them so many more!