Day 37: Escape Hatch

   Today's trip to CUOC was... not stimulating.  I went there, pleaded my circumstances and have to wait like all the others. Thursday I will know more. Today I realized that living in the moment isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it is best to focus on the future...

  I've only just realize that all of the wonderful conclusions I come to are for nothing. All of the things I think about, and the solutions to problems and the fastest path through the maze... They are all nothing.

   I have already discussed that I think a lot. Well, it turns out that is a lie. I don't think. I worry. I have managed to get the anxiety issues under control and yet I still worry. Always. About stupid, stupid shit. I worry because I have a lack of information. All the time. I worry that there are too many puzzle pieces to make it all fit and create a pretty picture. I have literally wasted years of my life worrying about things that never come to pass, or are completely survivable when they do. I worry because the human psyche is fragile. So many things impact it, and I see people on a daily basis suffering from a damaged psyche. Self-image, complexes, phobias - you name it. These people have such a hard time living life and loving and being who they are and I never once thought that I was one of them.

    The human psyche is not fragile. It is durable. There are people you meet every single day that have suffered incredible hardships. People who were horrifically abused, people who were attacked, neglected, scapegoated and just wronged their entire lives, and yet they still go on, to happy lives no less! For a long time I thought I was one of those people. I am not. I am perpetually worried that the inevitable will happen and when it does I won't react.

   I have created a reality that revolves around pain. Masked in the most beautiful costume of love. I stress, worry and break down over nothingness, and in turn create discord with my little family, and probably my reality of not-haves. There has been a part of me for the last few months worrying incessantly that I am wasting my life. That I am not doing enough good in the world and that I am not what I should be. What I am really doing is what I have done my entire life. I am rushing things. Ever since I was little I remember wanting to be older, to be different, for this life event or that life event to take place, and almost all of them did before their time. I rushed my way through everything, and at 25, I feel so damn old.

   I have lived so many things in such a short period of time that I forget I have not really lived at all. I spend my days worrying about what I should be doing instead of actually doing them, and fearing the consequences of the most minor things (i.e. my car breaking down and not getting back up) What would happen if my son didn't get to play outside today? This week? I am starting to think he will survive, and not become a mule. What would really happen if my car broke down and I couldn't get it to start back up? I'd call people. If no one answered I would walk. Walking has saved my life many a time.

   All I wanted to do today was enjoy my time off. All I wanted to do was work on my sister's Christmas present (I think she might actually read this so I can't tell any of you, but it's awesome) What I did instead was I helped my neighbor rake leaves, for 3 hours. My neighbor's are elderly and he had a leaf blower and was kind enough to blow all of the leaves from my yard, so in turn I repaid his kindness with some of my own. It felt good. It felt good to work for no other reason than to help. To not worry, to live my life doing what I do naturally. Help. (and not fucking it up this time)

I honestly don't do it enough, and I don't know why. I spend so much time thinking that I give my loved ones as much as I can, but do I really?

   Here is the big kicker. I worry sometimes that being married has changed me. Not as much as motherhood, but that I let little pieces of myself fall away and I have no idea why. Especially the things my husband loves about me most. They are just not there, and what has replaced it is worry. I let my art go and I still mourn that loss. I have no idea how to get it back. I don't feel like I can draw like I used to, I don't feel like if I had the paints and pallets and canvases that I would be able to paint like I used to. I don't know where it all went. I worry that my brazen attitude has left me, my boldness, my running into gunfire headfirst nature is lost...

   I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle with no resources. I don't know how to combat the mental stuff. The massive phobia that I carry around that something is wrong with me and I am so scared that someone will figure it out. That I am not acceptable. I am not normal, I am poison. I know in my mind that these things are not true, I know that what I am up against is the greatest evil in the world, even worse than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I am fighting a disease of the mind that some how, some where took a foothold when I was weak. Have I let this grow inside of me because I don't know what it is to live without it?

   
   I always used to think that God brought me to people. Maybe he brings them to me. I do not know what I would be without them. I don't know if I have ever stood alone. I've never desired the spotlight (in adulthood) I learned that credit will come to me, regardless of who is in the limelight. I have grown to be this person who slips in and out of realities to be a different person from the same central source. Like an actress' change of costume, I am another character altogether. I don't know the meaning, I don't know why I am here, and maybe it is time I owned up to that. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life, and for once, maybe that is ok. Am I too old, or too young? I think I have been reliving the good ole days with a tint too rosy. What good is it to me to dwell on what was, or never had been? What good will come of my mistakes when I repeat them?

   I feel so old because I have lived so much in such a very short time. Yet... yet, raking leaves with my neighbor today, who'd been married 50+ years, with mistakes of his own, he survived. He lived, and he and his wife are happy, kind and generous. I do not see them waiting for death. I see them counting their blessings one by one every day. By the time I made it that far in my life I will be in my 70's. Such a far off way. All I do is spend my days worrying for an ending that already came and went.

   The story is over. But there is always another book.

Good Night All! God Bless you!

Day 32 - 36: As We Head North, We Only Go South

   The long delay has been due to a lack of time recently. My new job had me working 6 days a week, then there is house work, child rearing, and water finding. I spoke to the water company today and instead of the 248 something they needed last week, they now need 310. They closed my account and did not send me a notice, they did not forewarn me, they did not attempt to call. I have been working my tail off to get together the money, and I had enough before I called them. I am beyond livid at the moment.

     Working full time again has opened up some previous issues for me, first of all I have no time for myself, hence the no blog writing. Second I am tired all the time, and third, I feel like I am not making what I am worth and since I make a living off tips, it is a blow to the ego to get a low one from people who either don't know how to tip (It's 15% for a good job and 20% for a great one) or people who don't have enough left over to tip. I almost never go out and eat because I don't have the money to tip well. More people should do the same. I enjoy working, I like the atmosphere, I like having something to do, and I like making money. I hate being away from my home. I have been doing the stay at home thing for a long time, I have a system, but working also helps me appreciate the things I did not do well when I was home.

   Sadly I feel that I am no closer to my goal of getting us out of this mess then when I started blogging about it 36 days ago. I know consciously that is not true. I have gas in my car, my electric is still on and I have $200 toward the water. I have steady income right now, I can get by a little longer. I still need a lot of help, and I have broken down and started asking for it. I will go to CUOC tomorrow and get more. I need this ship turned around yesterday.

    I did get to talk with 2 Vietnam veterans today. Nothing makes me more proud than to talk openly and honestly to other veterans. Especially Vietnam vets. They are some of the most understanding people I have come across. They were ostracized when they made it back home, there was no PTSD diagnosis, they fought to get back to work and to live a normal life, and they know better than anyone how to reach out to people. That is what they did to me today. One of my coworkers told them I was in the Corps and we talked.  What is nice is I will be seeing them again, and even better, I will be taking their advice to heart and doing exactly what they told me to.

   Yesterday I had to fill up all of our water containers before work, and attempt to create some semblance of normalcy around here. I am fighting being dehydrated during the day because I want to make sure my son has enough water, so I drink water at work, as much as I can. I broke down and spent $3 on a container of baby wipes because I just cannot keep up with washing mine right now. As much as I don't have I am still doing everything I can to give what I have. I do my best to be helpful at work, I do everything I can to help my friends with anything I can offer (cloth diapers, a shoulder, time spent, advice anything I have)

    The amount of things I need is rapidly increasing and they will all have to wait. I need another pair of pants for work. Currently I have one pair that fit, and one pair that is too big, I would like to go to the thrift store and pick up 2 more pair, but that is later. The car is getting worse, breaking down on me just about every time I drive it. I really need new underwear. My 5 pairs just isn't going to last me, and my favorite and only other bra besides the one I am currently wearing just busted. The underwire is poking out and a repair would only be temporary. With my first paycheck I will have to buy nonslip shoes for work. I have already fallen twice and it hurts very badly, and it slows me down to have to walk slow. Time lost is money lost. None of this can be taken care of until the water is back on, my rent is paid and my car payment made. Once those things are taken care of I will have to reassess the value of the items I just listed and figure out which one next.

    I am doing everything I can with what I have, and that is what matters. I am not sitting here whining about what I don't have, I am sitting here laying out my cards and figuring out how to play them best.  That is all for today!

   God bless you all!

Day 31: Dichotomy

   The world revolves on a teetering balance. The balance between good and evil, pain and pleasure, love and hate. The more you examine everything the more you will come to realize that everything all goes back to balance. Without balance the base of everything we know would begin to crumble.

    Last night I had sat down to write, when there was a knock upon my door. It was nearing midnight and my husband and I were confused. A wonderful neighbor came to invite me over for a drink. It was amazing to make a new friend and to realize that the more people I have in my life who are not like me, the better it makes me!

    We talked about a lot of things, and what I realized is that people who do not share my mindset do not always have to be disagreeable. It was beautiful to have someone to sharpen my mind against. I know that last night will not be a one time thing. A new relationship devolved last night and although I though I could not have any more friendships, one more was just what I needed!

   
   Life as of right now it hitting the height of discomfort. No running water is nothing short of a disruption in life at this point. I only made $14 last night I made more than that in reality, but somehow I lost a little more than $10. Which still is not a productive night. When I prayed for the night to be lucrative, I was thinking of money. God had other plans.

    Sadly, this may have pushed getting my water back on to Friday. Friday is also the day I have to pay the electric $250 to keep it on. The issues at hand are beginning to compound and the pressure is rising. Nothing we can't handle though!  I am unsure of what else to say, simply because I don't really understand how my life is different from anyone else's. Living with no money is not really something that I think about until it gets to the point where I simply have no options. I am currently working 6 days a week and it is enjoyable and stressful at the same time.

    Before I go to work, and once I get there I pray and God gives me everything I need. I stay focused on God, and who I think I am now, and I am able to maintain an amiable presence the entire night. It is exhausting. I am so tired by the time I get home every night, and I am sad that I don't get the time with my husband and my son that I used to, but for now, I think God wants me to be around other people. Last night taught me that I have more to offer in listening (which I am not good at) and being a friend. I have nothing to ask for, and everything I need right now. It is simply convenience that I lack, and I am ok with that!

   Have a fabulous day everyone! It is time to get ready for work! Keep the balance and May God bless your footfalls!

Day 27-30: Synopsis

Hello all!

     Sorry I have been absent for a few days, it was quite busy here with general life stuff and work.
I believe the last I wrote was Thursday night. So let's discuss Friday.

Friday was not a fun day, it was filled with general obnoxiousness and frustration. I was pretty mad all day. I went out Friday night and it was terrible. A friend did buy me a drink, but after I had one I wanted another and couldn't so me and the hubby went home. Hubby did not get water like I asked so we had none at the house. We ended up having to go to Walmart with our ebt to get water and a little food that doesn't need water to be cooked. We ended up watching a movie and it was actually a good time.

    Saturday we organized and talked and we both had to work at 5 so we decided to meet at the bar after work. Hubby tried to go crazy because he finally had money so I had to take it and hide it from him, we did have a very good time together. It was overall a good night.

    Sunday I woke up after only 6 hours sleep, not enough to recover, the Mother in law dropped Ethan off, and I had to leave for work shortly thereafter. Work was slow, but I made a decent amount to add to the growing "turn water back on" fund. The electric company gave us until Friday to pay $246.77 to keep us going. So we are getting on the right track!

    Today I went to my friend's house down the road and filled up my water containers. I flushed my toilets and I am stripping some diapers that needed to be washed anyway. Hubby had his interview and was told the applications will be processed within the next few days and he will get a phone call. Prayers all around. I have to work this evening and I have another full week with one day off. I work mostly evenings with one day shift. I am happy that I am able to contribute financially on a regular basis. This also leaves me with plenty of time with my son, and plenty of time to continue working on my diapers. I am happy to have a way to ease the burden on my husband's shoulders of providing for a family. There is even a chance that if we can do well in the next few months that we may consider adding to the family. We already cloth diaper and breastfeed (or did breastfeed) My son eats what we eat, and we have tons of his clothes left over. I would not be above dressing a girl baby in boy's clothing. But that is something to think about at a later date....

     Well, it is time to get ready for work! I hope all of you have a blessed day!

Day 26: How It All Went So Very Wrong

    Recently, I have felt compelled to pray - for patience. Some part of my brain thinks I need it. I think I already have enough to be a martyr. Apparently not. I let it slip when I was praying at work today too. "Lord, give me the strength and patience (oh shit, why'd I say that?! Too late now, better roll with it) to handle these things in my life to make positive changes. I almost never say "amen" because I never feel like I am quite done. I'll think of something else, and I always do.

   From what I can tell, praying for patience does not instantly bestow upon thee, patience. No. You get trials, and through living those trials, you then receive patience. Because you had to, or else. I do indeed have a lot of patience. Anyone who has met my husband knows that I absolutely had to or else I'd be a widow. Or in prison. Probably both. And my son is exactly like his father and me combined. Who remembers when I was little and would scream my lungs out when I got mad? Yeah, my son started doing that this week. Prefect angel I was not.

   My life as of right now is nothing short of obnoxious. I am usually ok going with the flow, recently I have become irate because no one will see things my way. Sadly, I am right 99 times out of 100. At least at home. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive to everything, or if everyone under my roof is deliberately trying to piss me off. Either way, I need more patience to deal with it, which means that events will arise to create more patience within me. yay.

  For example; my husband was supposed to fill up our water containers while I was at work. He did not. No dishes, no flushing, no clean hands, no cooking, no drinking water, basically we can only do 50% of everything. I will go and fill them up tomorrow, but simple requests should be filled simply.

On the bright side, tomorrow is Friday, my only day off this week, and I get to spend it with my friend doing my laundry and showering. Also, come hell or high-water I am going to get out of the damn house. I am going to go out, I don't care if I sit by myself all night I am not sitting here. I need a break, I am in desperate need of a little fun and tom foolery.

That is all for tonight, I can't spend another moment thinking about this! Have a fabulous night and God Bless!

Day 25: The Crux of the Matter

     Today, did not go as planned. The government shutdown has ceased with the emergency assistance so I was unable to receive any help. Which actually made me feel a lot better. I can handle no water for a few more days, or however many days it takes to come up with the money, as long as I am on my own steam. Since I don't come off training until Saturday, we will have no water until at least Monday. I also think my husband may have possibly given my son soda. Which is a major crime against the Kingdom of Reid. He is going to pay dearly if that is what happened. He does have an interview on Monday, so perhaps a survivable punishment.

     The car died twice on the way to work, as in I was going down the road at 40 MPH and all of a sudden it is reading 0 RPMs, no power steering, no gas, dead. Twice, it did that. Then again on the way home. Twice. It scared me so bad that I am no longer driving the car. It has to go into the shop eventually, so it may as well be this weekend. Hopefully. Fingers crossed and prayers all around. And that means my amazing friends will be driving me into work. Thank the good Lord I have such a network of love here!

     There is a certain squeamishness around the whole no money thing. There is a belief that one who lacks a financial repertoire is poor. I am not poor, I lack funds. There is a difference. Look at the government. Ok, bad example, look at a college student. An entrepreneur. What makes a person poor is believing that there is never enough to go around. That everything is finite, non-renewable resources, and that they have to work for nothing, so for nothing they will work.

    A person who is wealthy manages their wares with care, they understand the immediate value of something, pull it from the dirt and polish it to a high shine. They do not waste time on investments with low return. They are intimately aware with their own value, and the value of their own hands. Work is not something to complain about, it is a future to build.

    I am young, I battled with a strong bout of naiveté most of my life. There is only one cure for that, knowledge, wisdom and experience, and that is a hopeful remission at best. When I took my ASVAB prior to entering the Marine Corps I scored exceptionally high on my patterns portion of the test. That means that I can figure out patterns, fast, and accurately, and sometimes I see a pattern from something that might actually be random. What I have found in the patterns of my life is that events are constantly repeating (not new information thanks, Herodotus). That the events follow a specific sequence unless something is done to alter them. Water is going to continue to flow in one determined path until it meets a resistance, then it simply flows around it, it forges a new path, undetermined altogether.

    Things have begun to meet resistance in my life on all sides. All of my new solutions to these problems will forge a new path for my life. I have to continue to believe that there is a point to all of this, it makes sense to God, and within the tapestry of the universe and within my immediate community. I am building upon foundations laid down long before I ever thought to exist. I am much greater than the sum of my parts, and as this change is beginning to unfold before my feet, it shakes the ground a forces me to move.

     My frustration at life is a lack of awareness. Isn't that always the way? I simply do not know what is going to happen, today, tomorrow... Ever. I am not afforded the great crystal ball. If only I could find a treasure map to life, with the major points highlighted.... Then again, what would I lose in simply looking for the treasure?

    Maybe that is why I am good at patterns, I need to know. I need to know as much as humanly possible about as much as I can all the time. Also, may be why I hate surprises. That's enough for now! Tomorrow then! Good Night all! God bless you :)

Day 24: As it Falls it Breaks

     Another good day at work! I think it is partially that I haven't worked as a server in so long and partly because I really just need to get out more. Transforming the husband into the house mouse is not going as well as I planned. On top of that unsuccessful mission, the water was cut completely off today. It's been 4 weeks without water and it's roughly $250 to get it back on.

   What that means for us is, first of all, no dishes, no cleaning anything that requires water, no filling water bottles to drink later. So now that I have no option for convenient water, I am incredibly thirsty. I did take my car down the road to my friend's to fill up my large 16Qt pot, 2 buckets, and 2 pitchers with water. and we are already down to 1 pitcher and 2 buckets.

    This is the part that sucks. I have to go to social services tomorrow to see if they can help. Now that I have a job, I am able to (hopefully) prevent this from ever happening again, so they will help if they can. I hate going to social services. It makes me feel like the lowest form of life. I think I might actually feel better if I turned tricks for money or danced in my underwear. But those things violate the terms of my marriage (and I'm sure eventually my dignity - no offense on anyone who does those things to survive, I pray you don't fit the stereotype.)

   I HATE, repeat hate asking for help. I really, really do. There are some things that don't bother me, if I don't know how to do something I can ask, if I don't know a word, phrase or concept I will ask or look it up myself (Like today, the digestive cycle takes 33 hours in an adult male and 47 in an adult female, averages of course - mayo clinic website) Asking for help on something that I should know, something that I should be able to do - and for whatever reason can't, or asking for help from someone who may mock me for it later, I only do if the potential consequences are outweighed by the reward. I.e. having electricity, vs. getting my ass chewed by a loved and respected family member, making me feel more worthless.

   Although all of that sucks it's ok. I will go, pray that they can help, try to formulate plan B the entire time if they can't, come home, relax for a bit then go to work. Also on my list of things I hate doing, calling the electric company and attempting to come up with a payment schedule with my currently unknown pay schedule and/or potential income. Also, talking to my landlord for the same reasons, and both of those things also should be done tomorrow. I am caught between wanting to know how much I owe everyone, and desperately not wanting to know. Simply because I feel I would be less stressed out by the massive amount I owe immediately if I didn't know what it was.

     On top of all of this, my hubby and my son are not adjusting to my work schedule as nicely as I hoped. So needless to say I was overly aggravated in a very short period of time today, by a grumpy husband and even more grumpy child. I have never been so happy for Ethan's bed time. On a positive note, I need to stay motivated. I figured how much I need to make each shift to support us until hubby finds a full time job or gets enough regular DJ shows to equate a regular paycheck. Three a week for him and $70 a shift for me. I do possess enough self discipline to maintain my bearing around shitty customers (because we have all been there) and to keep my focus on the end goal no matter what, so I am thinking $70 a shift won't be a problem.

    I did make a list of the Christmas gifts I plan to make with the intention of working on each a little everyday praying that I can complete them before Christmas. To include a comic book for my brother (who actually doesn't like me, but thinks my son is awesome) "How to Propose to Your Totally Awesome Girlfriend in Ten Easy Steps!" I don't really think he'll like it, but hopefully he will get the hint. I think if they somehow go south, I'll give him up as a brother, to have her as a sister. She is that awesome.

    For today I am grateful, that I have work, a warm home, food to eat, borrowed water to drink and clean with. An amazingly smart child who is learning new words everyday! He actually said "Hiiiiiiii!" When I walked in the door today! A husband who, although grumpy, feels it necessary to bestow upon me annoyingly aggressive cheek kisses every 30 minutes or so, then asks me even more irksome questions like "Maggsters? Do you love me?" Yes, occasionally I do opt not to respond. I am happy to have them to share my life with, and I am even more happy that God has a plan for me. I can keep that as my main focus and the rest will be background noise. Those are my final words for today! Have a fabulous evening! God Bless you!

   

Day 23: It Begins

 For once in my life I took my own advice. I sat down with one of my favorite books last night before bed; 48 Laws of Power  by Robert Greene. It is an excellent read. I only read one chapter, and one was enough. Law 30.

    In this chapter Greene discussed how it is better to hide the efforts of your labor to appear more graceful. Keep the secrets of your success hidden, like you could always do more and to keep those success tips from being used on you. The book itself is amazing, wrought with historical anecdotes, fables and general information backing every law. I only ever read it one chapter at a time when I need the philosophy of it. It leaves me to think freely and calm myself. It is much better for the absorption of the material to read it one chapter at a time. If I read too many I get overly excited. Anyway, on to my first day at work!

    I arrived 10 minutes early, because I hate being late, and I always want to get off to a good start. I did get up early enough to do my hair and makeup. I met with the manager, the lowest ranking one opened today, the two I interviewed with were off today. I started with paper work followed by learning the general rules of this particular establishment. I have worked on and off in the service industry for years, I do enjoy it, and once I got going it was business as usual. I actually felt like I had been there for years.

   All I really need to learn is the menu, which will be cake. It does feel good to be back in the workforce with the public again. Sadly I will already be missing events. My hubby is DJing for a friend this Saturday night, and I have to work, bummer. It will be my first night on tables so my first night receiving tips. Which means I have 4 days left to learn the menu well enough to answer questions. My husband is convinced he is the best server alive, so I am sure he will be sharing his secrets with me. I am fast, pretty and charming enough to do well, all I need is a little extra boost and I can blow everyone else out of the water.

   The restaurant itself is a very nice place. Clean, well maintained and a very nice sports/family atmosphere. The other employees were agreeable. I make no judgments until I get to know people, so I will keep everyone posted. I did come home incredibly tired today. It did not feel like it took that much energy, but I have been out of the serving game for a long time.

I suppose I don't have much else to say. The day went well, I received my schedule, I work every day this week except Friday. I am eager to get down with the 'training" and making some money and getting this show on the road.

Good Night folks! Have a blessed evening!

Day 22: Revolutionary

 Hello there!

   Welcome back! as we all know, tomorrow is my first day at my new job! I am excited and a little nervous at the same time. We will discuss why in a moment. First let me divulge to those of you who don't know, I might have a teensy weensy mean streak.....

     I am nervous because I hate the general population. In one of my first blogs I mentioned how I can read people. I'm pretty good at it. So if you have an ulterior motive, chances are I know about it from the get-go, that also goes for lying, also known as two-facery. None of which I appreciate. I generally hate other girls because their issues are things I overcame a long time ago or, more commonly, all of their problems are due to their own stupidity and/or self-sabotage and they refuse to see that. I do not have time to listen to them whine. I don't even like to hear my own child whine, so their problems can go fish. My exceptions to these rules are; if they have a genuine problem and need someone to listen, if my advice is ever asked and if I have some to give. or if they are honest and upfront about anything, even if I am being a huge bitch and they feel the need to tell me.Which I posses the capacity for, and I am also good at.

    I plan to deflect all of these negative things from happening by clearly stating that I am there to make money, not friends. It is my favorite thing to do at a new job, because then the girls get it. Like I suddenly tattooed "save the drama for your mama" on my forehead! Very effective. I am even better at not making friends with these people. Someone will worm their way through, they always do, but if they get past all of my defenses, then they might actually be worth it!

     The other thing I am worried about is that I talk too much (Who, me? Nah!) So occasionally that gets me in trouble, and since I have to talk to the customers, it will be daily practice on tact and compendiousness. Might want to start by putting my adult vocabulary on the table and pulling out my grammar school one instead.

   I have done little to prepare for my big day tomorrow. I am starting to feel like a good place to start would be with The Prince by Niccolo Machiavelli... A few things come to mind, such as, people do not like it when you are condescending. It is better to be thought a fool to get in close... Wow, this is getting a little macabre. Hopefully you get what I mean. In order to build yourself up, sometimes you have to tear things down. It is best to have the foresight and wisdom to know when to cut certain people from your life. My brain moves too fast for me not to play games at court. I really should have been born in another century entirely.

    I will give a full after action report on the morrow. Good Night all!
God Bless you in your endeavors!

Day 21: Let Us Compare

Today was spent among friends, and you all know how I love my friends. These people have become my wish list family, accepting me as who I am, for where I am. Knowing I could be better, and loving me despite my many faults.

   In a conversation with one said friend this evening, I discovered that I have not laid out what it is like to live everyday without money. It is normal to me. For most of my adult life I have rarely had extra income with which to dispose on frivolous things. If I am in need of something, I cannot just go to the store and get it. Chances are I do not have the money on hand for it. I do receive some government assistance and I am not proud of that so I try to hide it. If I am in need of food, I can get food. But if I need anything else I cannot get it. Gas in my car, any kind of soap (laundry, shower, dish) I cannot pay to get my water back on, which means I cannot afford anything else.

  Living day to day with no money has become a lifestyle for me. Sad, but true. Currently I am in need of new underwear, because I always buy the 5 for $7 packs at wally world, they tend to fall apart faster. So the waistband elastic is coming away from the waistband, oh well. They still function. We are getting low on toothpaste here, so we use less to make it last longer, and when that runs out we can use our toothbrushes and mouthwash. If I don't have the money for gas, then I do not go anywhere, and when I need to go somewhere I ask for a ride, or dig around the house for enough change to put $5 in the tank. I don't know if any of you live like this, or if any of you are appalled at how I live. I am just giving you the facts.


    When my son was 3 months old, my sister bought me a plane ticket to go visit her. My sister works herself to death and makes a good living at it. She loves her career. When I got to her home, and we started to spend time together, ultimately we needed to go to the store for something. I was simply blown away by the fact that my sister could have anything she wanted within the store, disregarding the price because she had ensured that she had a career worth her time. I just couldn't wrap my head around it. What it must be like!? One day on my trip, we went into target, I think my son was running low on diapers (back when I used disposables) and on the way toward the front of the store, she saw several articles of clothing that she liked, so she bought them. In my world, those things do not happen. Not here. I have yet to be so affluent in my life that I can simply pay my bills, and have money left over for anything. Every purchase I make is wrought with decisions.

    If I need two items of equal importance; chances are I can only afford one. gas or the internet, electric or water, rent or the car payment. None of these things are equal in price, but they are almost equal in value. We are going on 3 weeks without full running water. There is a trickle. It takes 4 minutes to fill up my huge gumbo pot with water. 6 of those pots equals a load of laundry. One pot equals a sink of dishes, or a shower. I have already prioritized my electricity over my water. I can keep my food because my refrigerator runs. I can keep my phone charged for the ever important phone calls from my bill collectors, and potential employers. We can run the heat on the cold nights.

  Money is a tool. It is not something to be run by. Not something to aspire to have. I do not panic because I have no money, I do not feel bad about myself. It is simply how I live, and how I have lived for a long time. Even though I have been to college, I have no degree. Even if I did, I am sure the career I would choose would not make me wealthy. All money does, is give you more options. More options for the easy road. I am not choosing to live a life with no money, I am choosing to live a life that I lead. Money would be nice. There are many, many things that I would like to have - mainly more craft supplies, but as long as we can afford to pay the bills we have, extras will have to come later. Which, at the moment we can't right now, so everything has to come later.

    For those of you have been to my home, you have seen the great many things my husband and I have collected through the years of value. There was once a time when we did have money, and when we did we bought nice things, we did not manage our money well, and I believe we are here, in our tight spot now, to learn to manage it well. But, while we had money, we bought nice things, and we have held on to them as dearly as we could. We do have a lot of stuff. Most of it was given, a large portion of it was purchased second hand, and there are a very small number of things that we have paid outright for. Even when we had money, we did not buy things on a whim. What we did wrong, was we thought there was always more. We would cut a check for rent, knowing it didn't come out until our second paycheck and we would spend that check. We spent $200 a week on groceries, mostly junk, we would go out every weekend, whether to a movie, a mall, dinner or the bar, sometimes all of the above. But we did not watch. We did not pay attention to what we spent, more often than not, we would forget to pay something. The phone or the internet usually. We failed to budget when we had extra cash.

  There is one more thing we have done, and not always to survive, and that is dumpster dive. Aha! Now you recoil in disgust! I haven't met very many people who have seen something outside of a dumpster and not taken it home with them. Or on the side of the road. Dumpster diving is not a survival skill, it is a way of life. I see things that other people do not. (Like my personal cop radar everyone appreciates) I see the value in things broken, or misused. There is no good reason that I cannot revive something! After all, I have revived myself many a time. Remember, money is just a tool...


Good Night and May the Lord bless you for your work today, with rest tomorrow!

  

Day 20: Winds of Change

    I felt it today. An internal earthquake. It was small at first, then as the seismic waves began to pulse, it shook me to my core. Something gave, and in that place, something else grew.  I don't know just what yet, but something has changed. Change is always good.

    I feel electrified, I am excited, and scared. There is always fear. New experiences always bring in a few unsettled waves to push you farther from your comfort zone. I know that things can never be the same, so I choose this moment to remember where I am, where I came from, to look back on.

   I don't even know where to start. My childhood? That is too cliché. I can begin my first day of college, when I began to know that I alone was going to be the force in my life...

    August 23, 2006. All I can remember is the drive. The last few moments actually. My mother and my step-father (a saint among men for taking in a 17 year old, when he had no kids of his own, and no obligation to me after my dad and I had a bad fight and I got kicked out) drove me to Elmira college. I remember being relaxed, excited and very happy. Until we got on the campus. Then a fear like I had never experienced before took hold of me. I was nearly paralyzed, and utterly panic stricken. I began to repeat over and over to my mom that I couldn't do it. I begged her to take me back home. (Yes, we are still talking about me) She laughed. And laughed some more, I was being ridiculous, so she had every right. I'm sure it was funny. But in that moment, I felt surely I would die.

    Fast forward a few weeks; I'd settled in, made amazing comrades and truly began to wonder of my worth. I did not date in the year or more I lived with my mom and step dad, so I was excited that I finally had the option. Although I was interested in plenty, I always wondered if they were just teasing me. All awkward teenager-suppressed and all that. Aside from my many social circles, and the 2 jobs I maintained in the campus café and diner, my studies were amazing. Some of them sucked. I didn't particularly enjoy the mandatory core classes. I don't even remember what it was called. Then there was the mandatory freshman English 'class on Saturday morning' yup. That one sucked so badly - I had to do it twice. Yes, I failed my freshman college English course from shear laziness and lack of desire. In all honesty the prof. weirded me out. No excuse.

    With all of that, I had my sanctuary. My art class. 3 hours, a few days a week. I honestly don't remember if it was 2 days or 3. Or 2 days one trimester and 3 days the next. I remember that I wasn't very good at actual drawing or painting. But what I was good at was vision, and learning. I learned techniques that have never left me. I had a natural knack for thinking outside the box, but the actual technique and action had to be learned. We had a pass-code-after-hours art studio, available to all the art students. I spent so much time in there. I can still remember standing outside talking to Johnny, freezing my ass off while we smoked. I can remember the hours I spent staring at my paintings in the painting section of the studio, then the hours in the drawing studio. How I grew with each piece....

   I loved that college. Loved it more than I can say. It was my first home of my own doing. My first experience in being my own person. The first time I had been stripped from any blood relative. No brothers to threaten my boyfriends, no sisters telling me I'm doing it wrong, no parents to scold me when I made a mistake. Aside from my family, Elmira College had the most influence on who I would become. After 9 months at a wonderful school, with 8 short weeks before the end of term, the financial department told me I had to find $10,000 or I could not register for sophomore year.

  I was devastated. After the scholarships, grants and financial aid, there was nothing to help me. I turned to the only other thing I knew. The United States Marine Corps. I had never endeavored to be a Marine. Never did I ever think of myself joining the military, any branch. I had 2 reasons to join. The first of which was to get money for college. I could pull four years, and get a free ride. Easy-Peasy. The second, I realized I had never heard "I'm proud of you" from my father. If I did, I don't remember. I know I have daddy issues. I still love my dad, and I do not doubt that he loves me.

   With the final weeks of school coming to a close, I found a recruiter. Sgt. Moore, I believe. In Elmira (he was related to one of the owners of our favorite beer store) Once I decided, there was no looking back. I was set. Now, I know I am stubborn. back then I thought I was easy going. As long as I got my way, which was the best. I filled out mountains of paper work, I wanted to be communications, but due to some... discrepancies on my record, they pulled it and offered me Combat Engineer. With an ASVAB of 83 to boot. I went home, no longer feuding with the majority of my family, as I was nearly the entire time in college, I stayed with my dad, we talked, and talked some more. About so many things. My dad has a wonderful ability to be incredibly real about life. A lot of people see it as pessimism, it's just realism to me. Then again, I have known him my whole life. Maybe I'm just used to it.

    I had to travel back to Binghamton NY for MEPS, and boot camp directly after. The day I left, my recruiter gave me my paper work to go in Comm. How my life would have been different if I stayed in the Combat Engineer, I will never begin to guess. I left for 13 weeks of Marine Corps recruit training on June 6th 2007. I would never again return home, I would never be the same.

 

      I graduated as a PFC (thank you 22 college credits, that's the only thing you've ever done for me) on August 31st 2007. I only lost 5lbs in boot camp, while others shed by the 10s, but visibly I was lean. And I do mean lean. I spent 10 days boot leave at my dad's (where he told me he was proud of me, didn't feel like I thought it would) and was off to MCT (Marine Combat Training) for 21 days. MCT was some of the coolest training I have ever gotten. All we did was learn about weapons and survival. We did patrols, firing movements, hikes, and knowledge, always knowledge. All the things you have to know to be a Marine. We made up songs (called ditties) to memorize the parts of weapons, or styles of them. M-16: Keyword: L-M-GAS Lightweight, Magazine fed, Air-cooled, Gas-operated, Shoulder fired weapon. Awesome, right?

Then all of a sudden it was over. We graduated MCT, learned the digits corresponding to our MOS (Military Occupational Specialty) mine was 0623. And no one had ever heard of it. That is how small my field was. TRC-170 operator. Muxster. I woke up one morning in North Carolina, and 24 hours later I was waking up on a bus at 4 am to be processed in to Twenty-Nine Palms Marine Corps Base.

    This is where I met my husband. Roughly 12 hours later, running around with a broom, like an idiot, in his green on green PT gear. Sweat bottoms. Saying "Just look busy and they will leave you alone. See, that's what the broom is for!" Jack-ass. I hated him and his stupid crooked smile.

   Our love story has been told a thousand times, I will pass over it.

I spent 2 months training in my MOS, then I was shipped to my duty station. Camp Pendleton, CA. 9th Crime. I mean Comm. 9th Comm Bn. December 3rd 2007. I went home for Christmas that year, to tell everyone I was engaged. As proper recourse in my family, they hated him automatically. I came back, did 2 field ops in as many months, and was awarded a Meritorious Mast, because I know my shit. And, I'm awesome, just fyi. I loved my MOS, and I knew it up one side and down the other.

  My husband and I married between my first and second field op. Shortly after found a little apartment together, and made house. Soon I began to prepare for a 3rd field op, working 18 hour days, and incessantly SL3-ing our gear. I was the only female in my platoon. It didn't occur to me that it would become a problem until it did. I had an incident in my teen years that started to come back in my memories. With a vengeance. I began having a hard time focusing on my work, being around my fellow marines. The mental breakdown was such that I began to lose my grip on reality.  They would talk among 'men', make jokes, and other platoons had problems with male and female marines fraternizing. I was questioned as to my knowledge of the matter, since I went to boot camp with one marine in question. I never realized my problems with authority until I could do nothing about it. I never realized my issues with men, until I could do nothing about it. I was trapped in the Marine Corps, and I had zero options. I was going to deploy with these very people, over seas, where the rules of war take over.

     My paranoia set in. My husband would cradle me in bed at night as I cried. I couldn't speak. I had no idea how to change the ideas from emotions to words. I was being eaten alive by a paranoia I could not control. I had no words for it, I had no idea what was going on. I had never been so panicked, scared and trapped in my entire life. The day I realized I might have a problem was a day of safety brief. For those of you who don't know, a safety brief is the most miserable 8 hours filled with information very few regard as important and killing you libo (free) time. Everything from "wear a condom" to "don't drive drunk" At this safety brief that beautifully sunny day, they began to talk about anxiety, depression, and panic attacks.... It had stuck a chord so strongly I thought my body would shake the ground with the reverberations. I sat on the floor with marines surrounding me, shaking uncontrollably and crying the entire time. Not once did anyone say anything to me. I was so scared that the speakers were talking about me that I could not say anything. I could not accept it as my reality.

    As all bad things do, the situation escalated quickly. It got to the point where my corporals would take me into the office to discuss my pros and cons (how good are you doing/areas to improve) That I could not look at them. I pushed myself hard to be a good Marine, and as their job, they pushed me even harder. Finally one of them asked "are you scared of us?" I had a 100% crazy lady breakdown, then and there. It wasn't their fault, they were genuinely nice people, but paranoia doesn't care.

Eventually, as things got worse, I made them worse. (If you want that story, go ask someone else. That is not what is important here.) When I finally began to accept what I could not change, and the fires began to smoke and die, I got help, and with that help, I got out of the Marine Corps. I was mentally too unstable to maintain it. I was active for 16  months, General under Honorable Discharge.

     We stayed in California until my husband got out of the Corps as well. From there we moved to Nebraska, (story for another time) lived in several different abodes there for 2 years. Found out we hate the cold, and we were miserable, so we moved to North Carolina. Where we reside now. This is the longest we have maintained the same house (2.5 years) We have a large group of amazing friends here, and a community to fall back on. The lives we have built here are amazing, borderline perfect. Yet, we are still young and have much to learn. I am grateful that I learn like I do, ever changing, ever adapting. I do not regret my choices in life thus far. Aside from maybe being too scared to get help. Help has made all the difference and I am happy to say, it took years, but I can maintain myself even under pressure these days. A calm happy place makes all the difference. Where do I go? Why, back to Twenty-Nine Palms of course. Where I believed myself invincible and wore that title proudly, as I do to this day.

From humble beginnings and all that. Have a blessed night my friends! I truly hope you enjoyed this one!

Day 19: Ask and Recieve

   Alas, is the day we come full circle, breaking barriers and reaching the unachievable. Living among the stars and inhaling gold and mercury ... acting inconceivably.

     Today I got hired at a local bar and grill! I am excited because when I work outside the home I prefer to do something that makes me feel better about myself. Not serving drinks and food, but that I will be on my feet all day or night, and moving around, keeping busy, working at a fast pace. I enjoy all of those things, and they work well to help me think. or daydream. Same thing in my book!

 I had my candle party this evening, and it was wonderful! I really had a great time! It was so nice to be away from my husband and son for a little while, to just enjoy the company of other women! All of the women who came had children, and it is nice to be in the mom club. To exchange stories, and revel over our children, and just share and enjoy one another's company.

I don't have much today by way of philosophy. I am mentally preparing for being back at work.

Have a fabulous night!

God Bless!

Day 18: Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Hello my dears!

         I am going to keep this one short and sweet today! Yea for all! (That's pronounced "yay" not "yeah")
First of all, let me say this, please feel free to comment on any of my posts, I enjoy banter, and I enjoy a worthy opponent even more. I find my lack of comments disturbing.

     Moving on ... There are many things in this world that we go without, many things that create negativity, many things that simply encourage and generate stupidity. I am skipping over all of those because I would be here for 3 weeks. The thing that weighed on my heart today was, my heart. The love that I love. The amazing things brought to me in this world, and my Honest-To-God increased capacity to love because of it all.
    It is something I am good at. And something I take pride in. I adapt, and I adapt well. I have this wonderful ability to pick up on things that people need most from me and I do my best to give it. I love with all of myself and I have yet to be broken for it. Let me tell you, the more I love, the easier it is to love more.
   I have always loved my family, my brothers and sisters, my parents, extendeds, you name it. When I got married I loved my husband, and I loved him so much sometimes it hurt. I couldn't do enough to express the love. Years later I still love him, adore him even, and I love my son and it leaves me in this incredibly warm, happy place. I realized talking to my dad today, that my dad is awesome and I love him dearly, and I really mean it. When I say I love you to someone, I truly mean what I say. I'm not in love with them, but that person gives me another warm glow in my heart. When I think of them I will think of what makes them wonderful, and bring myself joy in the process.
    My message today is simple, love and be loved. Stop being whiny or holding grudges. That does nothing to the other person unless you have intent to bring them harm. Which will bring you to further ruin. Just try it. Spend time with your friends. Notice how they make you feel, enjoy their company. Bring more love into the world, it'll do us all some good!

Good Night All!

 God Bless you!

Day 17: Catch and Release

Today was ... weird. It was cloudy, and gloomy, and Kevyn stayed up all night, so he didn't wake up until 2pm. Just weird. My crafty bones sure were itchy today!

 

      So itchy in fact, that I had to make something. So I did. I began working on my mother in law's Christmas present, and since I know for a fact that she does not read my blog (because I've never given her the URL and I am not sure she knows how to work the internet) I can tell you all what it is: A personal notebook. Sounds stupid right? Yeah, well I am so crafty I made her a book from scratch. Well it's not finished yet, but the hard part is over. I collected up some paper, images that I found to be visually stimulating, and a bunch of other stuff and started making booklets of pages to be bound together. I've already poked holes for stitching, but it was then dinner time and everyone hand to be tended to.

 

     After dinner I made some experimental cheese stuffed rolls. They are almost done baking now. I am having a Partylite, Party Thursday and I get to make the treats! I know for sure, that chocolate lava cakes are on the menu....

 

And so are these...

 

 

I am looking forward to this party so much! It's an excellent excuse to get out of my house, to visit with friends and leave my boys behind for a while.

 

 

While I was being so damn crafty today, I had quite a few thoughts roll through my mind. Some I've had before, and you will recognize them. I thought about how I am good at so many things, mainly thinking, I'm really good at that, but all of the crafting I can do, to the point where if I think I can make something, I will refuse to purchase it. I thought about the dynamics of my writing, and how being a creative person just rolls off me. All of these thoughts led to my end goal. Which I am still unsure of what that is. I am not quite sure what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but whatever it is, I do not want it to be something I don't enjoy.

But I don't know what that would be. I enjoy a lot of stuff. A lot. A myriad, a plethora, a slew, a heap... You get the point. I don't know how to determine what I enjoy the most, so I can figure out how to do THAT for the rest of my life. I think I just enjoy living. I have such a deep appreciation for the tides of life. Or chapters, never mind, I'm getting off topic.

 

For a long time, I've wanted to be a teacher. I used to day dream about it at my other jobs. The kids in my class, the subject matter, the classroom itself. What I'd wear, how I'd teach, how I'd discipline, and maintain order. My subject of choice would have been history. Though I have a stronger love for art. I picked history because I feel that I could teach in it a way to make it relatable. My love of things old and antiquated comes from my mother. We can feel the people on the other side of the timeline when we touch something old. We can feel their life. That I've always felt was important.

I did have an idea the other day that disrupted my long stood belief that I would eventually become a history teacher, that thought was this; I had a brief moment (just a little FYI, I think in pictures, I don't know what that means, but I think in hi-def. movies) of insight where I felt compelled to call one of the local schools, and ask to talk to the art department about coming in to teach the students how to bind books. Obviously, with the previous note, this whole thing unfolded in my head in a series of mashed up images from me memories and things I have yet to see. What is amazing was the feeling I got when this thought unfolded over me. I felt... fulfilled, purposeful, at peace, blissful. All at the same time.

What stopped me from doing this very thing was all of my weird insecurities, and anxiety. It was a stupid idea, they'd never go for it, I have no degree so it's automatically a "no". Things like that, stop me every day. Again, with the thinking in pictures thing, it is more like the images begin to fade, sometimes they turn dark, with the echoes of the voices I've heard telling me these very things in the background of it all.

 Yet, the images come back. All of the joy I have found in my life, the true bone aching joy, usually surrounds my art, whatever that may be. I call it being in the zone, and suddenly I have no patience and I get mean when interrupted. No wonder I've done such little art in the last 6 years.

  I wonder if I should shift my focus and become an art teacher after all. Well, we have to get ourselves out of this stupid mess before any of that can happen.

 

 I'm a little sad. I am sad for all the art work I haven't done. I'm sad that I want perfect circumstances to do it in, and I cannot have them. I'm sad because today, we do not have jobs. My sanctuary is becoming my prison and that is sad.

 

Oh well... There are many things I find peace in. Making a something out of nothing today really brought to light some things I have been avoiding in myself for a long time. Even though I have accepted the fact that I am weird by nature, I am still trying to act "normal". There is no such thing, that is not an attainable goal. What is normal for me was my life long ago, in an art studio that was all mine whenever I wanted it. And 3 am lent itself to very few other artists. That I was madly in love with my art professor (so was half of the class), and that I dreamed for myself a life of an artist. Instead I am living the life of an artist with no art to show for it. My poor hubby still denies the fact that he is any kind of artist, when truth be told, I never would have married him if he wasn't. He can't draw, big whoop, there are plenty of artist who can't.

 

We have vowed to have gainful employment by the end of this week. We are stubborn and very goal oriented when we want to be. So jobs we shall have. And my dreams will go in the little junk drawer they always do, until it shakes and rattles for me to let them out.

 

 

I live the life of a freelancer when I can

Creating within the world I live a special kind of brand

Between scrubbing dishes, and little children I find a peace of mind

Inside my brain where creepy things do hide

I live a life of freedom of choice, though financial freedom is not for me

I pick and choose with bill roulette Yet I'm always here for you

What is important is that little philosophy to live

What you want you can have

If you have everything to give

 

Good Night my peoples! I hope you've enjoyed, though it doesn't matter because I won't know!

 

God Bless you and remember those who are helpless, or hurting in your prayers tonight!

 

 

 

Day 16: Event of a Lifetime

Thanks to a wonderful friend I worked today. I made enough to put some gas in my jalopy. Hubby has a new lead, let's hope this one will go farther than the others :)

    I am already having trouble writing something. That is not a good sign. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts here...

 After working a few hours today, I came home and did my usual tidy and whatnot. My son used the potty 3 whole times! In my excitement I kept giving him more and more watered down juice and after the 3 times he soaked through his ill prepared diaper, (I really should have thought to add more inserts) and the 3 times he peed on the floor while naked, I stopped giving him juice flavored water.

  While at home today, my mind wandered, and it is a beautiful thing when I allow my brain to go where it pleases. I did run the gamut of emotions today as a woman is wont to do. I got frustrated because neither of us have jobs, neither of us have true, written in stone prospects. We won't either. Not today at least, or tomorrow. My world is written up in images, beliefs, hopes and many words of maybes, it's a sure thing, I'll get back to you.... All of these uncertainties are all we are guaranteed.
    I'm okay with that. I enjoy the moments of not knowing if the great experiment will work. If Plan A will fail and you have to start running through the other letters! All I ever seem to do well is adapt. You would think that that would make for an easy, fun filled life, but not really. Not like water, more like putty. It will crack after awhile without some solvent added to it.
       I lack action at the moment. Action. I answer the phone when it rings, deal with bill collectors, thank God most of them are understanding at this point. It is a scary thing to know that the bills are mounting and there seems to be no way to stop it right now. It's scary to take action to change it too. I always worry about wasting my time. The lessons I gleaned from the adults in my life when I was a child is that time is precious. It is a commodity that everyone wants and you cannot exchange. I abhor the thought of wasting my time on an idle task, withering away the hours I could have been doing a million other things. Yet, I do nothing with my free time.
     That's a lie. I entertained my son today. Most of my day consisted of me chasing him around the house, capturing him and eating his little hands and feet. I love nothing more than holding him in my arms and feeling him grow. Memorizing his hugs, his eyes, his little lips, fat belly and chunky legs. Watching him eat, watching him share his food with us. Learning, growing. Learning and growing. If all I ever did for the rest of my life was care for my children, because I will have more eventually, I could die happy. I could die happy tomorrow, knowing that all I ever did was love my husband and my son more than anyone on this earth could.

Anyway, I lack action. I am scared. I really am. I am scared to go and get a real job (I still have no idea what a real job is) and drive that damn car to and from, meet new people, and have people examine me all day long. That last part is probably not true. I don't think anyone analyzes people like I do. Well, not anyone I know at least. I'm scared of whatever happens next. I am content to soak up the days as they are, and pretend that nothing else exists outside of these walls. (That would be cool....) I can't. I can't just sit here, day after day, knowing that something has to happen. Income has to start back up. I have a few things that will keep me afloat this week. Next week, I don't know.

 I am beginning to wonder if that is what we have created here. A black hole. I grew up on Long Island, and anyone who lives there will tell you that place is a black hole. Even if you make it out, you will be sucked right back. I wonder if I made it out, but not without a price. Maybe I took some of that black hole with me. That is why I can sit here and believe that there really is nothing else besides these walls. This is not meant to be depressing, you are all witnessing my brain at work, every night. I do not usually begin with an idea on hand, I just begin to write whatever comes out my fingertips. You are witnessing my thought process, my ideas, solutions, etc. If I am a black hole, than everything is attracted to me correct? Everything goes into a black hole, nothing comes out. No one knows what happens inside a black hole (unless I am not up on the most recent conjecture). Maybe I can change what no one knows. That makes complete sense (taste the sarcasm). Maybe. What if, follow me here, what if what goes into the black hole is made better? That is what we all believe of God, higher powers, spiritualism, right? That what we go in as, we do not come back as.
         I really should have been a stoner. This stuff baffles even me sometimes. If any of you reading this are high *on life* let me know if it makes sense to you.
    If I can create my own reality, through the power of positive thinking, and my faith in God, then let my reality be this: Let each person that comes to me, leave me a little brighter. Let each penny I spend come back to me two-fold, let my ideas take root and grow within the heart, Let the changes that I make within myself be permanent ones, and let God above throw me a bone and let me envision my future for what it will be! I really hate surprises. Let my enemies cease to exist. That last one would be really nice. Unchristian, but I still think it, sometimes. Before I pray for their souls, albeit halfheartedly. I am a Christian in progress. Don't Judge.

Though these things I did not know were in me, are here and there nonetheless.
With these things I will make a dream to wrap myself in and rest
Peace befalls me ever more sweetly though I did not pass the test
God above he loves me, and I do what I think I should
Below my feet the ground is never sure
My head and back aching with protests
I give you what I have, I know nothing else
hold my hand and dream with me
Nothing is as safe as death.

A little poem on the fly for ya!
 Good Night all, May God bless you tomorrow and the day after that!

Tips on Being Positive

I had a thought last night, about positivity and how it can really change your entire life. Most people can tell you all the good things that happen to them because they think positively. But no one ever tells you how to think positively, and for most it is not easy. I've gathered up some tips on how to think more positively.

1. Tell yourself "F*** the silver lining"
    There is no such thing. Good things don't just sit beyond the horizon waiting for you to get there. You have to make good things happen. 

2. Fully acknowledge your shitty circumstances.
     In order to learn to be positive you have to accept that bad things happen, things that suck happen, all the time, to all of us, equally. Accept these things, mourn them, then get over it. You are wasting valuable time whining because your car broke down and you have no money, and you're hungry. Move on. Positive thinking people do not dwell on "woe is me".

3. Count your damn blessings. Seriously. Count them.
     Make a list, actually take the time to write it out. From the tiniest thing you can be grateful for to the very biggest. Here is an example of what I am grateful for; God, that I am healthy, my little shabby home, my half broke car, food in my refrigerator,  minutes on my phone, an over abundance of fabric, plenty of notions to go with the fabric, yarn, knitting needles, ass loads of books (good ones too) electricity, my neighbor's wifi, COFFEE and creamer, the little trickle of water coming out of my faucet, my brain, my friends, my brothers and sisters, and parents, step parents, in laws, my hubby and my son. That isn't even a whole list. But I thank God I have them. They make me smile and you know what, they make life a little easier too.

4. Examine possible life tools you will earn from suffering a hardship and/or surviving your shitty circumstances.
    Take a moment to think about what you can gain from living your circumstances right now. Not fighting them, not bitching about them, not wishing that you didn't have to deal with it. You've already accepted your terms if you have read this far down the list. My car is half running right now. It goes about 10 miles before it will just cut off, we don't have money to take it to the shop (even if it would go that far) and get it fixed, so we get to drive it, half broken down, if we need to go somewhere. What am I learning? First of all I am learning that having a car less than 10 years old requires more money than just the payment and insurance. They require check-ups every 30,000 miles, they also require proper and regular oil changes (that I previously held off on with my older cars). I now know that in the future, I need to allot at least 1/2 of my car payment extra every month in order to meet these guidelines for owning a newer car. We are stuck with the car, so when we finally get back on our feet and get everything fixed and pay it off, we are going to sell it and get an old Jeep (well, that's what I want at least) We plan on not purchasing a new car until we are financially stable enough to own one. That is only one of the 'less than desirable' circumstances we are overcoming right now.

    5. Accept Change
Your circumstances will not stay as they are. They never do, and they never will. Change has to happen, such is life. Good things, bad things, anything really, it will all come and go. Even though my hubby and I are enjoying the extra time we get with one another, we will soon have jobs that demand our time and attention and bills that we can pay. Until such time as your circumstances begin to shift, enjoy what you have now, enjoy what your circumstances have brought to you and in front of you and hone the new skills you are acquiring. It wasn't too long ago that my hubby and I lived in a rickety shack of a house, where the snow piled up inside my windows and floor, in a bad neighborhood, gun shots going off every night across the street, no money for food, no car, and pitiful jobs that barely got us by. We survived that, and you will too.

Day 15: Cache

      Have you ever wondered how things arrived? How the things you see got to be the way they are?
As I have said before, my brain is constantly going. It moves as constantly as the ocean. Trading ideas like currents, and washing away that which does not survive. I always love to know the origin of things. Fictional characters, hot dogs, steel mills, words etc. Today, I gained a small bit of knowledge toward the education system.
     I am a huge fan of TED.com. I've watched every 'episode' in season 1 on Netflix. If you have never watched one, please do. They are incredibly enriching, and serve to generate ideas, which in turn create the world we live in.
    The TED I watched this evening was Ken Robinson: How schools kill creativity. That schools originated out of necessity to fill standards to operate in the new industrial world. That education systems push subjects that are most likely to lead a group to success. To get you a job. Toward the very end he talks about the choreographer to CATS and Phantom of the Opera, Gillian Lynne.
    As a child in the 1930's her parents were alerted to the fact that she may have a learning disorder. She could not sit still in class, and was a little disruptive. What we would consider today as ADD (which I am sorry if you disagree, I feel is a bunk diagnosis for parents who are not attune to their children's needs) Her mother took her to a specialist, and they talked. When they were finished the specialist said to Gillian that he needed to talk to her mother, he turned the radio on as he left the room and he told her mother to watch. As soon as she heard the music she was on her feet. The specialist said she has no learning disorder, she is a dancer. Enroll her in a dance school. She did, and now Gillian is who we know today.
         Fascinating, isn't it? That today we cram things into kids that are wholly unnecessary. Mr. Robinson believes that children are born creative and they are forced to grow out of it by our education systems. I'd have to say I agree. I have been creative as long as I can remember, and I was often left to my own devices to do so. I was homeschooled until I was 9, so by that time, creative outlets were my coping mechanisms. I had to have them to survive. Even with the exposure I had in school, and constantly hearing "You're weird" by just about everyone I ever met, still did nothing to dissuade me from what I was meant to be. People have told me that I am a right brained thinker (must be why I am attracted to lefties) Because I was afforded an opportunity to be left to myself (I often opted out of play time with my brothers and sisters, and when I didn't they used my ideas and amped them up with their own) I harbored and honed my creative nature. Now I can see the world tinted with nothing else.
       I do not jest when I say I do not believe in 'impossible' I really don't. I have lived too long in a world that does not work and gives me everything I need at the same time to think that there is such a thing as Not Possible.
     Which leads me to the power of positive thinking. I occasionally lament the fact that I am such a  severe optimist that I cannot even wallow in my own misery for very long. I cannot let my self succumb to thoughts of anguish because it just doesn't work for me. My thoughts automatically start to drift toward the benefits of even the height of destruction. The only down side to my brain is the anxiety that comes from thinking of all the what ifs. Which I learn to quell on a regular basis with "calm down, you're crazy and that's ok." No joke!
      On the other side of my positive thinking is the emotions and rare visions behind it. I have seen things in my head and they tend to manifest years and years later. It's odd. I can remember what I was thinking 10 years ago, but I cannot remember moments with people I care about from the same time. Some of the things I have manifested have been my marriage. When I was in college I remember dating an individual who was bipolar and schizophrenic (the tryst lasted about 4 weeks) I remember thinking at the time, "I always knew I'd end up with a crazy person" Yet there were moments of clarity where I knew what things in my life would be. When I met my husband I knew that we would have difficult years (and boy have we) but I also knew that on the other side of that would be marital perfection. At least to us. Although it feels like we are there now, we may still have obstacles to overcome in the future. One of the first weeks I knew my husband, we were playing pool at a bar in Yucca Valley. I caught a glimpse of him through the corner of my eye and for a moment, I saw him as an older man, and my heart stopped. 6 years later I am seeing that man form in front of my eyes every day, and crazier than that is I know someone who is be the older version of my husband, with full blessing from me, from looks to attitude.
      Other glimpses of my future have included being interviewed, giving speeches, homes in the country, homes in the city, conversations with people I have yet to meet, jobs I will do, things I encounter the list goes on. Some of these things shift, I believe that is due to the fact that I make different decisions. yet, the one thing that my visions have in common is happiness. Absolute bliss at my life. I know that there are great things for me to do, I really and truly believe that. My greatest desire is for someone to see their worth through my eyes, and for that vision to change their life. to change people, to make them realize it is all up to them, really.

Today's experiences have been filled with minor frustrations that have put me a teensy bit on edge. My son is still teething his last 2 teeth, and is whiny because of it. My son is perpetually happy, so for him to be grumpy, whiny and pitching tantrums is unlike him and drives me a bit crazy.  He threw things he had no business throwing, and wanted me to carry him, and when I obliged, he promptly wiggled to get down and then would whine for me to pick him back up. Nerve wracking to say the least. On top of that, hubby hyper extended his knee yesterday playing football with the boys at the birthday party and is know limping around the house and I have to help him with just about everything. He is milking it a tiny little bit, but having him say "Maggie, will you..." promptly followed by "ooooouuu" whilst grabbing his hurt leg, is a bit much. He watched way too much Tom and Jerry as a kid. He even cover's his eyes to watch me through the gap in his fingers while going "oooooohhhh.... oooooo the pain..." As I do something for him, without him having to ask.
There was also washing laundry with our menial water supply. It is still off but gives us a trickle. Good enough for me, still a pain in the ass. As the days trickle by, there are things to do mounting up, and I am beginning to feel as though I can't quite keep up. Nothing is insurmountable, but damn if it doesn't take a long time!

I've just realized, this blog is actually making me happier. It truly is. Every night, by the time I reach the end of my ramble, sermon, sagely jabbering, I've come to feel settled with peace. Which will in turn lay the path for me to be inundated with ideas in .... about 30 minutes. I bid you all good night, and God bless!

Day 14: Derailed - Rerailed

Hello everyone!
    I'm baaaaaack! I told you all it would take was 24 hours. I just needed to sit back and take everything in. It's a little difficult for me at times and I don't always handle it well. I would much rather see the world through my warped and tinted glasses :)
     After I had the honey removed from my house by our wonderful friends to give him a break from life, he called a few hours in to tell me how much he had to drink (again, my friends are so good to us) how much he loved me and missed me and thanked me for making him get out of the house. After that, we texted in only a manner in which we can communicate with each other. The ways of the world, how we found in the other exactly what we needed. How we find that all the time. How hard we've worked to have a good marriage, if nothing else. It was wonderful to know, that even though we don't always have everything we need, we always have each other and sometimes, that is need met enough. My husband is the best friend in the world. He is good to me and I always make sure I am good to him. I am blessed to have him to grow up with.
   This afternoon was encounters with friends we haven't seen in a long time, and it is truly amazing to have the opportunity to be in these people's lives. They may not seem important to you, but my friends are not about the drama, they care about different things, and it is nice to be around them. To know someone understands. Someone is going through what I'm going through, or been through it recently or just barely missed it. By some miracle hubby kept Ethan, and my friend's hubby stayed at my house with their youngin' and me and my girlfriend got to go out in public - the fall festival - without our babies or husbands! Let me tell you it was good! So refreshing! I cannot explain to women and men, how important it is to have luxury time AWAY from your family, they are wonderful and amazing, but it is good to remember who you are and to be yourself. With a young child like I, and my friends all have, it is not easy, but so worth finding the time.
    This evening we went to a bonfire/birthday party/ cook out at a friends. AMAZING. The best part aside from seeing good people we haven't seen in a while was watching my son. He is so well behaved (Thank you Pa for 'the board') and so easy to love, and smart and had an absolute blast! There is nothing quite like watching my son experience the world for the first time, every single day!

We are still lacking in our areas of employment, but Monday starts anew. We filed for unemployment and I think that may help. I've stopped watching the news and am only vaguely aware of the repercussions of the whole shutdown thing. I'm not a fan of the debauchery of the government these days anyway. I am positive I would be able to thrive in a dystopian society. As the days creep on by, I am less worried about what will happen and more ready for something to do.

Well, I've had a long day of good times, so it's off to bed for this chick! We live another day!
God bless you all!

Day 13: Reap and Sow

 Looking back, today was actually kind of crappy. I woke up to a horribly messy house, which always puts me in a bad mood, and the accumulation of all of the crappy things that have happened in the last few weeks slapped me in the face when the power man came by to turn me off. Thank you, to a totally awesome person who loves me more than life itself, we still have power. This person loves me enough to give me a much needed ass chewing too. Double whammy, yay.
      Things like this tend to put me in a pretty crappy mood. I feel like I am completely dehydrated, trying to drink water from a rapidly evaporating puddle. It's not just trying to stop the bleeding, it's trying to keep the heart pumping with not enough juice to go 'round. This is my "I am defeated" mood.
  They totally suck, but are super important in life. I hate being sad, angry and depressed. Yet, at the same time, it's good. Not good as in refreshing, but good as in Iodine stings, good. What makes it worse, is my hubby picks up on my mood and thinks it is the perfect time to tease the daylights out of me, putting me in a much better mood (sarcasm heavily implied).
    The most wonderful thing that occurred today was that I got to make 3 new diapers for a wonderful friend, and got to visit with said friend. Awesome!

    Let's discuss what defeat is. Defeat is the complete lack of success, after trying. So hard, for so long. I hate feeling like this, but when reality drags you back into its painful depths, it's hard to ignore. I have far from given up, but now is the time to admit that there are less creative ways to succeed. Sometimes, the more obvious route is the one that should be taken. This is where my prayers change from "Lord, thank you. Thank you for my family, my home, my friends...." to "Lord, help me. Help me figure this out, guide me, walk with me today and let me not slip and fall. Show me what it is I should be doing, where I am supposed to be going and bring me back from certain doom...." Maybe I should be praying like this always... This is where I realize that even though I walk with God everyday, I may not be living how God wants me to live. That I am not wholly dependent on God like I should be. I still get in my own way. That's what hurts, knowing that the only one who is responsible for this mess here is me. That I could have avoided this if I had stayed on my toes. Been more diligent about not being led astray by the evil of this world.

I'm aware that this is a huge deviation from my usual writing style. That it seems scary and depressing to go from such joy and excitement last night, to this depressing tale today. Let me just tell you, it requires a conscious effort to remain happy when everything around you is far less than ideal. When you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, or even the very next turn. Shit, forget seeing the car your riding in! When that energy runs low, it is easy to turn into this. A day like today, knowing that we are always on the brink of complete and utter failure beyond any retribution, took the last of what I had to keep this ship afloat. I did what I could to improve everything. My house is squeaky clean, I was able to wash a few diapers, and I made my friends take my hubby away for the evening. Tomorrow... alas, tomorrow will be better. I will find the joy in teaching my son to talk, and spending time with my honey, and all the wonderful creations I have waiting to be put together. So everyone will know, this is a rare insight into the workings of my mind. This is why people think that I may actually be a little, ummm, crazy. Firstly, that I can stay optimistic at all during crisis, and secondly that it can turn so fast into what appears to be severe depression. I may be crazy, but if so, I've been this way my whole life, and I know how to handle it. At least you have something interesting to read everyday!

Tomorrow we will try to keep breaking old habits and maybe get ahead. Thank you all for reading, Good night and God bless!

Day 12: Move It or Lose It!

       Welcome back folks!
Glad you could join us for another round! Today was uneventful, and the most exciting thing that happened was my son's 18 month check up. He is 34" tall, weighs in at 32lbs and mommy and daddy need to stop enabling Ethan's sign language and make him talk like everyone else does. That being said he is perfectly healthy and still fat; 97 percentile (I really like that word) for his height and 98 % for his weight. That means he is fat folks. It's ok, the doc said he will be a hoss, so no worries. Oh and he is clinically awesome. It's genetic not contagious so don't worry, your kids are safe!

    Since my brain goes roughly 1.5 million miles an hour, I have concluded quite a few things today. Here is the first: Friends are the most valuable resource you will ever have. Whether you have 1 good one or 10 pretty good ones they are valuable. They know sides of you that you never knew existed and they are there for you no matter what. Their friendship, loyalty and honest words should never be squandered, unappreciated or stolen. Give just as much if not more to them than they give to you. These people have grown to know you over a period of time and they stand by your side no matter what, even though it might be better for their health to keep a distance. They give you exceptional advice and they do not judge you. They are the family you create when your family is low on members (if you are an only child) or when they are not being very family oriented (we have all been there, didn't get a T-shirt) In my household, we often hold our friends a teensy bit higher than family (much to our family's displeasure, sorry, we pick awesome friends). We also are stupidly loyal to our friends, and sadly, we expect our friends to hold the same dying loyalty to us with very poor results (we really shouldn't tease outsiders a.k.a friends of friends). They are still awesome though. They put up with our crazy, listen to us when we are down, and let the music blast when the good times roll. I love my family to the ends of this Earth, but my friends are the family I would have chosen if I could.

The second thing that dawned on me today; this one requires a tiny bit of background info ... I believe that we come to this world to learn things. What we don't learn the lesson is revamped and recycled back to us in a timely fashion. This cycle will repeat until the lesson is sufficiently mastered. ... My hubby and I are on a mission. We keep reliving the same financial issues and we don't understand what we are doing wrong. We have attempted budget after budget, I've worked, he's worked, sometimes he has 2 jobs, sometimes I have 2 jobs, we scrimp and save, we make no luxury purchases etc. Even though we are getting smarter about how to operate the money, we still end up back where we are right now. So because I cannot have a real time conversation with my teacher (God) I don't really know what I am supposed to be learning. Which means, I get to take another guess!

 Maybe we are bad at handling money (this thought still hurts my pride...) I am wondering if it is what we are doing to acquire money that may be the issue. My husband and I are what psychologists call "co-dependent" which means that we are like twins separated from the womb, reunited decades later. So we function best when we spend LONG periods of time in each other's presence. Most people find it annoying to be around a loved one for more than a few hours, to us, we are just getting started. Thinking about how, regardless of what is happening right now, we are really enjoying spending time together got me thinking about freelance.

Freelance is something I never really considered before last week, and something I think hubby and I should turn to first, not as a filler. Some things just honest to God never occur to me. Maybe it was the years of "Do you ever shut up?!" or "WHAT did you just say?" Ahhh, gotta love family!
 I love writing. I am good at it. I have a natural knack for spotting spelling and grammar errors within a written work, hence the awesome proof-reading I have done for my friends (and will gladly do again) and all those weird typos in books I've spotted. I have hundreds of ideas in my mind all the time and I am always wondering why someone never writes about them! I have come to find that my perspective is unique because I believe in being a conservative, a feminist and a traditional - God's honest 1950's housewife all rolled into one. I also feel that war and bloodshed, although tragic, serve a purpose, and maybe Niccolo Machiavelli wasn't so crazy after all....
Aside from writing out my crazy thoughts, there is plenty of other stuff I can do. Hubby and I have Life ADD (totally contagious, unlike our awesomeness) We bounce all over the place, and make adult decisions then we decide we would like to make other adult decisions counter to the decisions we just made. (Not like Ethan, he was probably the best decision after we decided to get married!) We go to school, we quit school because it's damn expensive! Then we find these awesome jobs, and they turn out to be not so awesome 6 months in. Then we decide we need a reliable, sturdy vehicle, then we realize we didn't have reliable sturdy jobs. Crap. Oh, wait, going back to stuff I can do. Well, I like knowledge. Like a lot. People on facebook have come to realize I capture (to be released) bugs and study them, Google my butt off, and voila! I now know what an Imperial Moth Caterpillar is! Well because I like to know stuff, I am really good at research. And - follow me here, it confuses even me - because I can do research I can teach myself things, or maybe I taught myself to do research because I like to know things and I am good at stuff.... Anyway, I knit.
In addition to knitting I also know how to sew (20 years actually) and I can draw, paint, bind books, repair small machines, small household electrical wiring and other repairs, clean, organize, self-motivate and OH! I can teach other people how to do it too. I would have a vlog, but still fighting my insecurities here. I should use what I have to make money, not make money for something I should have.
I can do a great many things, I can create a great and varied world for myself, and those around me. Some days I feel so old. Yet, today... Today I believe myself to be exactly as young as I am. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. God afforded me an opportunity to be a wife and mother at a young age and I am so incredibly grateful for that. My husband and my son bring such massive amounts of joy to my heart it makes me want to cry. I think I have been trying to fit myself in a box for so long, I forgot what it was like to be unfettered. I must be a dreamer, because I believe that there is nothing in this world that is truly impossible. I am an eternal optimist and although I feel the chaos tugging at my heels, I am grounded in the clouds.

Goodnight fair readers! May God reign blessings upon you!