Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Day 56 - 58: Two forward, One Back.

Hello all!

    So the water got back on yesterday! It is wonderful to be able to shower in my own home. And flush! The sad part is, if we do not come up with the money for October's rent, then November's we will be evicted.

    Our goal is to keep our home. In losing the car it will tank our credit. The mobile home we live in is working toward our credit, but every time we get called into court for a late payment and possible eviction it hits our credit again. The hubs has finally decided to go to school, starting from square 1 in fall 2014 for Computer Information Technology. He is a computer genius. With that degree, we can assure that we will never end up here again, but we have to survive the next 4.5 years.

    He is going to a military base tomorrow to get everything he needs lined up for school. There is a very good chance he will get a free ride, between my benefits and his. Hopefully he will be able to devote all his time to schooling, while I work only one job, and he continues his DJ shows. Which means living Spartan for a while, and no babies sadly, but 4 years will go by either way, he may as well get an education worth something. I am ecstatic that honey has finally decided to go to school, and that he is putting in so much effort to finally get it done. This one decision alone will change our lives for ever.

     I have also noticed how much happier my life has become since making church a regular thing. Honey has yet to go with me, but he will eventually. I have faith that something will turn up where we can get everything together and keep our little house. We plan to pay it off, sell it, and hopefully move into a home to rent 4 years from now. Owning is not what we want for a while. Maybe we will change our minds, maybe not.

     That is all for today. Keep praying that everything lines up for us, and that blessings keep coming! God bless you!


Sunday, November 17, 2013

Day 54 and 55: I am Doing a Great Work, and I Cannot Come Down....

Afternoon All!

    I just got home from church, but before I get into that, let me tell you of the amazing events that have transpired since the last time I wrote...

     Friday was my day off, and I was less productive than I hoped as my options ran out for doing laundry. I did maintain a clean house, and all of my work things are still organized, and I spent valuable time with my son. Friday evening we met with the Mother in law, her mother and her husband along with my son, and my husband for dinner. My grandmother-in-law is a Godly woman. I do not believe that she would have survived all of her life's trials without it, and perhaps she would not have had so many without it... She prays, and when she prays for things, life changes immediately. We had a great time at dinner, and my son was amazingly well behaved (Thank the good Lord!) My husband has been struggling with his next step in life, and grandmother-in-law told him he needs school. At which he scoffed and said it was too mundane. A few months ago my husband and I decided we would work so we could move back to California. We at the time thought it was a good idea and we prayed. Well some weeks ago, I decided that it was a bad idea, and I began to pray that something would happen.

     We have built a life here that is so amazing, and so strong with Christians, support, love and peace that I could not imagine moving away from all of it to start at negative 1 all over again. I no longer wanted to be back in Cali. Well after dinner, we had our DJ show, which was unexciting as our shows go, and it was a little bit of a let down. We came home and went to bed. My husband woke me up at 7 am Saturday to tell me he began the application process for college. I told him "great, now let me sleep." When I finally woke up and let the information sink in I was so incredibly happy.

   I have waited years for my husband to finally believe he can go to school and make something great of himself. I have applied for him 3 times, and after the last time I gave up and decided he would go when he was ready. I was no longer going to hold his hand. In 12 short hours our lives have been altered beyond any hope or dream we could have imagined. We are far from out of the woods, but now we have a compass! We will also be staying here for all of his schooling (4 more years!) and hopefully longer!

    Since my husband decided it was time to go to school, his whole demeanor has changed. He no longer seems surly at life, and he is happy and determined. This has opened the doors for amazing things to come into our lives. And once he makes it through school to his final career destination, we will be able to live like all those other people I see, I will be able to buy groceries regularly, pay our bills, fix our credit, and save, and of course more children!

   We know that we will both have to work hard in the next few years (who am I kidding? For the rest of our lives!) To get to where we need to be, to go beyond that, and then some. But it is a step in the right direction.

   In other news, our water will get turned back on Monday. I am so happy! My guardian angel paid the balance, Thank God for her. I do not know who I would be without her in my life! I am hoping I will not have to work tomorrow so I can clean everything, and I do mean everything - like appliances away from the walls clean. We are closer to getting the money together for rent, and getting our lives back together. Hubby has a lot of work to do tomorrow as well to find a job. Prayers please that he will have one by day's end tomorrow.

   Church today discussed a lot of things, but I will talk about the 2 that spoke loudest to me. The first of which is "I am doing a great work and I cannot come down." From Nehemiah, which brought me around to focus on what I am doing to lead a life for God, and what I need to be doing... The second is what is our next step to be more Christ-like? I am pretty sure God is telling me I need to give up smoking. I won't even try to lie, it scares the day lights out of me to think about giving it up. I am going to try, and keep trying until I put it down forever though. I don't have very many left in my pack today, I may as well start now. Attempt #347. Kidding, I've quit maybe 10 times before. or tried to. What's one more?

     Lord let your light shine upon me and bring me into myself as a follower of Christ. Let me single out time to open my bible and live the word. Please, please take away my desire to smoke, make this one thing easy on me! And fill my heart and soul with your spirit to carry with me to every one I meet! Amen!

    God Bless all of you! and thank you for your prayers for me and my family!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Day 52 and 53: Happiness is not Elusive

Hello all!
    Today is my day off, and far from relaxing and enjoying, I am cleaning and organizing. My house needs it badly, especially my work area. It is coming along very nicely if I do say so myself. The last items on my list for the day will be to fill up all my water containers, clean my bathrooms, and get some laundry done. We are down to 2 diapers...

     Sadly, our vehicle was repossessed. I should be more upset by it, but ultimately I am relieved. Relieved that I do not have to worry about coming up with a payment to attempt to hold on to it for a little while longer. Relieved that I no longer have to drive a vehicle that was hemorrhaging money. There is no real chance of getting it back, and I am okay with that. Our next task is to take whatever money we bring in in the next 7 days and pay October's rent and then work on November's rent.

     With the car gone, everything seems a little less hopeless. Almost like we have been able to redouble our efforts to find employment (my serving job only makes me so much) We are lucky enough to have friends that will let us borrow a vehicle or give us rides. My job is 10 miles away and impractical to walk to. With whatever extra time I have today I will be making diapers and listing them for sale. I have a decent stash of fabric hanging around. I am out of fabric for inserts, which poses a small problem of selling diapers without inserts, or spending money on fabric. I am leaning hard and fast toward selling them without.

      I am intimately aware of the fact that my current situation it beyond piteous. It makes me feel bad to think about it. But we are not out of options yet. And there is always hope. With everything I lack, it is shockingly easier to focus on what I do have. I still have coffee, which is amazing, and wonderful! I still have a warm place to sleep and I still have power to keep me warm. I am elated that I get to spend the day with my fat little munchkin, that we can play and talk and spend time together! I am excited about having my work space organized (though I am sure not for long) enough to lay time aside to be productive! I am incredibly happy for my health. Even with being dehydrated, I still feel great, I have not succumbed to even sniffles.

   There is a possibility of eviction, and we will cross that bridge when we get there. There is also a possibility that I could one day lose my mind and beat my hubby to death... kidding! Even with the negatives in my life I cannot help but feel incredibly blessed with the people in my life. Blessed to have my husband to spend time with, to talk to, to play with (even adults need good old fashioned play time - and not just the dirty kind!) I am simply amazed to have a child so incredible and profound as Ethan. He is insanely intelligent, and a wonder to behold! I am blessed to have God-loving people to work with on a daily basis, and beyond blessed to share my life with such incredible friends. My situation has become unfortunate, yet it only lacks money. Financially I am poor, (I know I have covered this topic before) but I am rich in love, friendship, support, skills and gifts, and many, many other things. There are people in this world that have money and have nothing else that I have, and for them I do feel pity. With all of the things God has blessed me with, I am sure I will continue to be blessed in ways I cannot imagine.

    Oh, as a side note, the day my car was repossessed I had prayed for a miracle, fasted even! When I watched my car be towed away, all I felt was peace. When I think about my car being gone, I only feel happy. I know that is counterintuitive, I also know that it is a bad thing to happen to us, but I finally feel like I can breathe, and that I am not being pulled in 100 different directions.

     Lord, you have given me another day to live, for that I am grateful! Let me be an instrument of your will, let me be strong and let my hands work fast and efficiently to bring joy into this world. Lord help me to be diligent in learning my life lessons, and strengthen me to adapt humility into my life. Show me a way to keep my house, and get on our feet. Lighten my path so I can follow, but also lead others with me to a life that shines for You! Let others see my resilience and know that it comes from You, bring me into myself as a child of God. Amen!

    God Bless you all!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Day 50 and 51: Breaking

 Good Morning!
      Sunday was the Marine Corps 238th Birthday. Which we did not celebrate, but I sure told a lot of Marines "Happy Birthday!" Yesterday was of course Veteran's day, and I spent a lot of time praying for the souls lost to war, and just thinking about the men and women who sacrificed life and limb protecting our great Nation. Being a military member joins you into a brother-hood you can never leave. It truly is a wonderful thing. I have friends wherever I go because I served.

       We are getting no closer to financial salvation, we are actually getting closer to need a miracle at this point. We may get evicted and we may also lose our car. Hopefully I will hear back from the employment agency today, maybe by the end of the day I will have another job! Wouldn't that be something!

    It is a painful place in our lives right now, I am trying to hold on to the hope that I have always maintained. We will survive, it is what we do. Hubby has hit a sad streak, well honestly it's depression, so I am doing what I can to help him ride it out. In the meantime I will be taking St. John's wart supplements to keep my mood up.

      I will be saying lots of prayers. Perhaps today is a day I need to fast to reminds myself of what I am praying for.

   Have a wonderful day everyone! I'm off to work! God Bless!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Day 44-49: Restless Attitude; Productive Mind

 Hello all!
     Our situation has improved very little. It's sad I know. It feels very hopeless at this point, but I know better. Work has been producing small amounts of money that is put right back into gas and food... But it is a good environment. I feel good when I am there! Which is important for me. I signed up with a temp agency and applied for a few positions, I received a callback, but my phone was dead so I returned the call and hope to hear back tomorrow.

       I have been feeling restless, sad and lonely lately. I have given into none of these feelings however. They are completely unproductive to my life at the moment so I have chosen to ignore them. Which, as it turns out, is not easy at all. Keeping myself busy with purposeful tasks has helped immensely. Our situation is so pitiful at the moment that hubby and I have just kind of turned inward on ourselves. We are doing everything we can, leaving no stone unturned, and also looking for ways to open new doors and prevent a similar disaster in the future.

    All of these things has lead me to give considerable thought to what I want to be when I grow up. What kind of career I want to have. I have taken personality tests, aptitude tests, and career tests. They all turn up the same results, and it still leaves me feeling discouraged. I want to be a mover and a shaker, I want to make a difference in the world (grandiose much?) I want to be the things that everyone tells me I am, strong, confident, thinker outside the box, motivator, instructor etc...

     I went to church today, it was wonderful. I still can't believe I have wasted so many Sundays not going! There is also a football game event thingy at church this afternoon and Ethan and I will be going, hopefully the hunny too. Church lately has been bringing me to a place where I feel like I need to have a break down, but since I am uncomfortable showing that side of myself to anyone, I fight it. I cried on the way home, I feel like I might start crying now. I am overwhelmed with God breaking my heart, and I have no idea how to just accept it and live for him, and I think a big part of me is just scared. I just feel shaky and weak. Which is not me at all. I am known for powering through, pushing further than anyone else, and being a rock, a shelter, amid the storm. I don't know how to collapse, how to give in. What's worse, is that I don't trust anyone to help me break either. I don't trust a single soul to hold me, a shoulder to cry on. I actually think crying is a disgusting but necessary thing. Like throwing up. I hate it. So instead, I sit with that feeling, that gets stronger and stronger, feeling like I am coming apart at the seams, but the fabric is too pretty to give...

     My goal today is to break. To break myself and make something new. To rip apart the seams, wide open and stitch back together something stronger in its place. My goal is to give up on myself, and just let it all go, give everything up to God and walk away from all of it.

    Which makes me think about a conversation I had last night about why we get married. Sometimes I think I got married because I wanted to help my husband be a better person, I was already pretty awesome. I know I could live a full life without him, however sad that may be, but I truly believe he could not live without me. So I need to use that knowledge to make that person I know inside break free. I am going to do what the Marine Corps taught me (HAPPY 238th Birthday Marines!) and lead by example. I know I can do this, probably because I also know that I don't have any other options.

     God take me broken, and burned. Make me into a vessel for your will. Amen.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Day 38-43: Deciscions and Regrets

Hello all!
   My work schedule has me cramming in family time at odd hours, so for now, my blog posts will be sporadic. I am doing what I can to stay afloat, but more than anything I am doing what I need to stay sane.

     The last few days were hectic, with Halloween, parties, Costume contests, DJ shows and the like. Hubby and I have developed this revolving schedule that I am really starting to enjoy. On Halloween, we gathered as a unit to the Mother in law's town to go trick or treating with Mommy, Daddy, Ethan, Uncle Rob and Grandma. Ethan was Yoda, a home-made costume from mom, made from a brown blanket and some green fleece I had around. He looked like a total BOSS! He got lots of candy, that has since been devoured by all... Later that same night I baby sat for a friend so her and her hubby could get some time together. The next day was all about recovery for certain parties (myself NOT included) and prep for the big DJ show. The show itself was incredible, yet our new venue is large, we need to reach a much broader spectrum of people to have the turnout we want. We are going to keep trying provided the owner will let us.

   Saturday I worked a double while hubby and our "adopted" son went to the Marine Corps ball. Ethan was at grandma's so when Mommy got home from work she had the WHOLE house to herself. Never have I felt such bliss. Well aggravation at my dirty house, then bliss after it was cleaned. I spent some much needed QT with an old friend. Sunday I got up early and went to church.

   Church was absolutely amazing! I am still reeling from it! I cannot believe I do not go every week (which I really plan to change) It was just so wonderful to go, see some friends I love dearly and be in God's presence. I want to promise myself that I will go every week, but I am so scared that I can't keep even that. I will do my absolute best though!

   The last few days I have been encountering quite a few former and active military members, they are informed by my coworkers that I was in the military and flag me down for a chat. So far I have been invited to the American Legion, Amvets, and received phone numbers from everyone if I am ever of need. I fully plan on going and making myself familiar with these organizations. Starting Wednesday night at the American Legion.

           All this time spent with other service members has been making me think a lot about the paths in life, and the recent decisions I have made. One of which was telling my hubs to be a stay at home dad for a little while. I don't know why, but the thought came to me and it just feels right. Like it makes sense and was there all along type of thing. A few people have expressed concerns that my honey should not be barred into a "wife's" duty or some such shit. I just really feel it is a good decision and when I came home from work today to see my husband and my son sitting at a card table like it was an every day thing eating dinner and talking like 2 adults (as much as Ethan can talk), my resolve was hardened. Then to hear my husband tell me all the things he taught my son that day. How to put his toys away, put his dishes up, cook dinner (he stirred, added spices and put things away) how to wipe his hands and face after eating... My hubs does not have a ton to do at home, but I think he feels fulfilled being home with our son everyday, and because my husband and I were both in the Marines together we know better than anyone how teamwork goes. I know how to be a provider and my husband knows how to be a nurturer, we adapt. We do it well. I feel that he will grow tired of it after a while and find himself some kind of work if nothing falls down the pipeline by the time I get hired somewhere else. But I think the lessons he will learn by his own hands and by the light of his son's eyes will be more than worth whatever time he thinks he may have lost.

     With all of this I can say that I feel peaceful, happy and sure. We are still fighting to get everything back together financially, but our home life is peaceful. How many people can say that in our position? How many people can say that at all? I can honestly say at this moment, I feel I have no regrets about my life so far. I work hard, and I have more to show for it every single day. I prove to myself on a regular basis that I can be pushed just a little bit further, that I have everything I need, and everything I want (except maybe a beautiful bouncing baby... that would be a nice addition, but there is time yet for that!)

     God Bless you! and I truly hope that you have what you need today!

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Day 37: Escape Hatch

   Today's trip to CUOC was... not stimulating.  I went there, pleaded my circumstances and have to wait like all the others. Thursday I will know more. Today I realized that living in the moment isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it is best to focus on the future...

  I've only just realize that all of the wonderful conclusions I come to are for nothing. All of the things I think about, and the solutions to problems and the fastest path through the maze... They are all nothing.

   I have already discussed that I think a lot. Well, it turns out that is a lie. I don't think. I worry. I have managed to get the anxiety issues under control and yet I still worry. Always. About stupid, stupid shit. I worry because I have a lack of information. All the time. I worry that there are too many puzzle pieces to make it all fit and create a pretty picture. I have literally wasted years of my life worrying about things that never come to pass, or are completely survivable when they do. I worry because the human psyche is fragile. So many things impact it, and I see people on a daily basis suffering from a damaged psyche. Self-image, complexes, phobias - you name it. These people have such a hard time living life and loving and being who they are and I never once thought that I was one of them.

    The human psyche is not fragile. It is durable. There are people you meet every single day that have suffered incredible hardships. People who were horrifically abused, people who were attacked, neglected, scapegoated and just wronged their entire lives, and yet they still go on, to happy lives no less! For a long time I thought I was one of those people. I am not. I am perpetually worried that the inevitable will happen and when it does I won't react.

   I have created a reality that revolves around pain. Masked in the most beautiful costume of love. I stress, worry and break down over nothingness, and in turn create discord with my little family, and probably my reality of not-haves. There has been a part of me for the last few months worrying incessantly that I am wasting my life. That I am not doing enough good in the world and that I am not what I should be. What I am really doing is what I have done my entire life. I am rushing things. Ever since I was little I remember wanting to be older, to be different, for this life event or that life event to take place, and almost all of them did before their time. I rushed my way through everything, and at 25, I feel so damn old.

   I have lived so many things in such a short period of time that I forget I have not really lived at all. I spend my days worrying about what I should be doing instead of actually doing them, and fearing the consequences of the most minor things (i.e. my car breaking down and not getting back up) What would happen if my son didn't get to play outside today? This week? I am starting to think he will survive, and not become a mule. What would really happen if my car broke down and I couldn't get it to start back up? I'd call people. If no one answered I would walk. Walking has saved my life many a time.

   All I wanted to do today was enjoy my time off. All I wanted to do was work on my sister's Christmas present (I think she might actually read this so I can't tell any of you, but it's awesome) What I did instead was I helped my neighbor rake leaves, for 3 hours. My neighbor's are elderly and he had a leaf blower and was kind enough to blow all of the leaves from my yard, so in turn I repaid his kindness with some of my own. It felt good. It felt good to work for no other reason than to help. To not worry, to live my life doing what I do naturally. Help. (and not fucking it up this time)

I honestly don't do it enough, and I don't know why. I spend so much time thinking that I give my loved ones as much as I can, but do I really?

   Here is the big kicker. I worry sometimes that being married has changed me. Not as much as motherhood, but that I let little pieces of myself fall away and I have no idea why. Especially the things my husband loves about me most. They are just not there, and what has replaced it is worry. I let my art go and I still mourn that loss. I have no idea how to get it back. I don't feel like I can draw like I used to, I don't feel like if I had the paints and pallets and canvases that I would be able to paint like I used to. I don't know where it all went. I worry that my brazen attitude has left me, my boldness, my running into gunfire headfirst nature is lost...

   I feel like I am constantly fighting a battle with no resources. I don't know how to combat the mental stuff. The massive phobia that I carry around that something is wrong with me and I am so scared that someone will figure it out. That I am not acceptable. I am not normal, I am poison. I know in my mind that these things are not true, I know that what I am up against is the greatest evil in the world, even worse than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I am fighting a disease of the mind that some how, some where took a foothold when I was weak. Have I let this grow inside of me because I don't know what it is to live without it?

   I always used to think that God brought me to people. Maybe he brings them to me. I do not know what I would be without them. I don't know if I have ever stood alone. I've never desired the spotlight (in adulthood) I learned that credit will come to me, regardless of who is in the limelight. I have grown to be this person who slips in and out of realities to be a different person from the same central source. Like an actress' change of costume, I am another character altogether. I don't know the meaning, I don't know why I am here, and maybe it is time I owned up to that. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life, and for once, maybe that is ok. Am I too old, or too young? I think I have been reliving the good ole days with a tint too rosy. What good is it to me to dwell on what was, or never had been? What good will come of my mistakes when I repeat them?

   I feel so old because I have lived so much in such a very short time. Yet... yet, raking leaves with my neighbor today, who'd been married 50+ years, with mistakes of his own, he survived. He lived, and he and his wife are happy, kind and generous. I do not see them waiting for death. I see them counting their blessings one by one every day. By the time I made it that far in my life I will be in my 70's. Such a far off way. All I do is spend my days worrying for an ending that already came and went.

   The story is over. But there is always another book.

Good Night All! God Bless you!