It has been an awfully long time since I have written anything. That in and of itself is a little depressing.
I am coming in hot today to ask some question to the world for those of us who live below our bridge. My financial roller coaster has dipped to a new low recently and I am here to ask, why? It's a simple question, it should have a simple answer right?
Well in all of my womanly over analyzing of my life, I have found many answers and I don't think any of them are right. The first is that maybe I am being punished for sometimes being a little evil. Wishing bad things on people who irritate me? Or even worse, wishing bad things on people who have it easier than I. The second is that maybe I missed something in the keys to life that everyone just seems to pick up along the way. I must have missed the financial security one. In looking at everything I can go back and say, ha! I must have missed it here, where I could no longer to afford college, so I dropped out. Or there! Where I made a financial commitment I couldn't fill, or there, where I decided it is far more important to spend every day with my child to enrich his life, than to have the money to go grocery shopping without concern.
These little thoughts whirl through my head on a daily basis, where did I go wrong? Why Can't I simply enjoy what every mother should have an option for? Being a stay at home mom? More grueling that a 60 hour work week, and more rewarding than a career (in my opinion). Why, oh why, can't I simply make a living from the 20+ years of sewing skills I have accumulated in making and selling everything cloth for your little ones?
What can I do? I ask myself from hour to hour. I have little materials on hand with which to create, and something I enjoy more than I can say. The finished product is so amazing, and mind blowing to me every time! Where is my business? I am doing something I love, and boy do I love every minute of it, where is the money? Isn't that what they say? DO what you love and the money will follow, right? Well without any marketing skills, business savvy, or capital I am a little stuck in the mud. How do I run on my own steam, and not push 40 hour work weeks for a measly paycheck, where the sitter takes half home for her hard work?
What is wrong with this country we live in where a mother cannot offer her strength, love, support, and life curriculum to her children? It makes me irate! My own little reality leads me to believe that there has to be a better way, but where is it? As my mind offers me so many questions, life offers no answers. So what is a girl to do? I suppose since I cannot afford to stay within my own home and work on my own business, that it may have to become part time until I can, or maybe never can, afford to make it work.
Dedication is one thing, stupidity is another. I think I may have reached both to new definitions. It will take some time to find a pitifully paying job outside the home with steady hours and pay, so I suppose I will have to create as much as possible.
I am far from defeated, I am newly resolved. I will do what it takes to make this work. I have fought to hard to be my own person within the roles I have embraced in life. No one is as fierce as a wife and mother who calls the Kingdom her Home.
God bless everyone!