Sunday, November 10, 2013

Day 44-49: Restless Attitude; Productive Mind

 Hello all!
     Our situation has improved very little. It's sad I know. It feels very hopeless at this point, but I know better. Work has been producing small amounts of money that is put right back into gas and food... But it is a good environment. I feel good when I am there! Which is important for me. I signed up with a temp agency and applied for a few positions, I received a callback, but my phone was dead so I returned the call and hope to hear back tomorrow.

       I have been feeling restless, sad and lonely lately. I have given into none of these feelings however. They are completely unproductive to my life at the moment so I have chosen to ignore them. Which, as it turns out, is not easy at all. Keeping myself busy with purposeful tasks has helped immensely. Our situation is so pitiful at the moment that hubby and I have just kind of turned inward on ourselves. We are doing everything we can, leaving no stone unturned, and also looking for ways to open new doors and prevent a similar disaster in the future.

    All of these things has lead me to give considerable thought to what I want to be when I grow up. What kind of career I want to have. I have taken personality tests, aptitude tests, and career tests. They all turn up the same results, and it still leaves me feeling discouraged. I want to be a mover and a shaker, I want to make a difference in the world (grandiose much?) I want to be the things that everyone tells me I am, strong, confident, thinker outside the box, motivator, instructor etc...

     I went to church today, it was wonderful. I still can't believe I have wasted so many Sundays not going! There is also a football game event thingy at church this afternoon and Ethan and I will be going, hopefully the hunny too. Church lately has been bringing me to a place where I feel like I need to have a break down, but since I am uncomfortable showing that side of myself to anyone, I fight it. I cried on the way home, I feel like I might start crying now. I am overwhelmed with God breaking my heart, and I have no idea how to just accept it and live for him, and I think a big part of me is just scared. I just feel shaky and weak. Which is not me at all. I am known for powering through, pushing further than anyone else, and being a rock, a shelter, amid the storm. I don't know how to collapse, how to give in. What's worse, is that I don't trust anyone to help me break either. I don't trust a single soul to hold me, a shoulder to cry on. I actually think crying is a disgusting but necessary thing. Like throwing up. I hate it. So instead, I sit with that feeling, that gets stronger and stronger, feeling like I am coming apart at the seams, but the fabric is too pretty to give...

     My goal today is to break. To break myself and make something new. To rip apart the seams, wide open and stitch back together something stronger in its place. My goal is to give up on myself, and just let it all go, give everything up to God and walk away from all of it.

    Which makes me think about a conversation I had last night about why we get married. Sometimes I think I got married because I wanted to help my husband be a better person, I was already pretty awesome. I know I could live a full life without him, however sad that may be, but I truly believe he could not live without me. So I need to use that knowledge to make that person I know inside break free. I am going to do what the Marine Corps taught me (HAPPY 238th Birthday Marines!) and lead by example. I know I can do this, probably because I also know that I don't have any other options.

     God take me broken, and burned. Make me into a vessel for your will. Amen.

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