Have you ever wondered how things arrived? How the things you see got to be the way they are?
As I have said before, my brain is constantly going. It moves as constantly as the ocean. Trading ideas like currents, and washing away that which does not survive. I always love to know the origin of things. Fictional characters, hot dogs, steel mills, words etc. Today, I gained a small bit of knowledge toward the education system.
I am a huge fan of TED.com. I've watched every 'episode' in season 1 on Netflix. If you have never watched one, please do. They are incredibly enriching, and serve to generate ideas, which in turn create the world we live in.
The TED I watched this evening was Ken Robinson: How schools kill creativity. That schools originated out of necessity to fill standards to operate in the new industrial world. That education systems push subjects that are most likely to lead a group to success. To get you a job. Toward the very end he talks about the choreographer to CATS and Phantom of the Opera, Gillian Lynne.
As a child in the 1930's her parents were alerted to the fact that she may have a learning disorder. She could not sit still in class, and was a little disruptive. What we would consider today as ADD (which I am sorry if you disagree, I feel is a bunk diagnosis for parents who are not attune to their children's needs) Her mother took her to a specialist, and they talked. When they were finished the specialist said to Gillian that he needed to talk to her mother, he turned the radio on as he left the room and he told her mother to watch. As soon as she heard the music she was on her feet. The specialist said she has no learning disorder, she is a dancer. Enroll her in a dance school. She did, and now Gillian is who we know today.
Fascinating, isn't it? That today we cram things into kids that are wholly unnecessary. Mr. Robinson believes that children are born creative and they are forced to grow out of it by our education systems. I'd have to say I agree. I have been creative as long as I can remember, and I was often left to my own devices to do so. I was homeschooled until I was 9, so by that time, creative outlets were my coping mechanisms. I had to have them to survive. Even with the exposure I had in school, and constantly hearing "You're weird" by just about everyone I ever met, still did nothing to dissuade me from what I was meant to be. People have told me that I am a right brained thinker (must be why I am attracted to lefties) Because I was afforded an opportunity to be left to myself (I often opted out of play time with my brothers and sisters, and when I didn't they used my ideas and amped them up with their own) I harbored and honed my creative nature. Now I can see the world tinted with nothing else.
I do not jest when I say I do not believe in 'impossible' I really don't. I have lived too long in a world that does not work and gives me everything I need at the same time to think that there is such a thing as Not Possible.
Which leads me to the power of positive thinking. I occasionally lament the fact that I am such a severe optimist that I cannot even wallow in my own misery for very long. I cannot let my self succumb to thoughts of anguish because it just doesn't work for me. My thoughts automatically start to drift toward the benefits of even the height of destruction. The only down side to my brain is the anxiety that comes from thinking of all the what ifs. Which I learn to quell on a regular basis with "calm down, you're crazy and that's ok." No joke!
On the other side of my positive thinking is the emotions and rare visions behind it. I have seen things in my head and they tend to manifest years and years later. It's odd. I can remember what I was thinking 10 years ago, but I cannot remember moments with people I care about from the same time. Some of the things I have manifested have been my marriage. When I was in college I remember dating an individual who was bipolar and schizophrenic (the tryst lasted about 4 weeks) I remember thinking at the time, "I always knew I'd end up with a crazy person" Yet there were moments of clarity where I knew what things in my life would be. When I met my husband I knew that we would have difficult years (and boy have we) but I also knew that on the other side of that would be marital perfection. At least to us. Although it feels like we are there now, we may still have obstacles to overcome in the future. One of the first weeks I knew my husband, we were playing pool at a bar in Yucca Valley. I caught a glimpse of him through the corner of my eye and for a moment, I saw him as an older man, and my heart stopped. 6 years later I am seeing that man form in front of my eyes every day, and crazier than that is I know someone who is be the older version of my husband, with full blessing from me, from looks to attitude.
Other glimpses of my future have included being interviewed, giving speeches, homes in the country, homes in the city, conversations with people I have yet to meet, jobs I will do, things I encounter the list goes on. Some of these things shift, I believe that is due to the fact that I make different decisions. yet, the one thing that my visions have in common is happiness. Absolute bliss at my life. I know that there are great things for me to do, I really and truly believe that. My greatest desire is for someone to see their worth through my eyes, and for that vision to change their life. to change people, to make them realize it is all up to them, really.
Today's experiences have been filled with minor frustrations that have put me a teensy bit on edge. My son is still teething his last 2 teeth, and is whiny because of it. My son is perpetually happy, so for him to be grumpy, whiny and pitching tantrums is unlike him and drives me a bit crazy. He threw things he had no business throwing, and wanted me to carry him, and when I obliged, he promptly wiggled to get down and then would whine for me to pick him back up. Nerve wracking to say the least. On top of that, hubby hyper extended his knee yesterday playing football with the boys at the birthday party and is know limping around the house and I have to help him with just about everything. He is milking it a tiny little bit, but having him say "Maggie, will you..." promptly followed by "ooooouuu" whilst grabbing his hurt leg, is a bit much. He watched way too much Tom and Jerry as a kid. He even cover's his eyes to watch me through the gap in his fingers while going "oooooohhhh.... oooooo the pain..." As I do something for him, without him having to ask.
There was also washing laundry with our menial water supply. It is still off but gives us a trickle. Good enough for me, still a pain in the ass. As the days trickle by, there are things to do mounting up, and I am beginning to feel as though I can't quite keep up. Nothing is insurmountable, but damn if it doesn't take a long time!
I've just realized, this blog is actually making me happier. It truly is. Every night, by the time I reach the end of my ramble, sermon, sagely jabbering, I've come to feel settled with peace. Which will in turn lay the path for me to be inundated with ideas in .... about 30 minutes. I bid you all good night, and God bless!
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Day 14: Derailed - Rerailed
Hello everyone!
I'm baaaaaack! I told you all it would take was 24 hours. I just needed to sit back and take everything in. It's a little difficult for me at times and I don't always handle it well. I would much rather see the world through my warped and tinted glasses :)
After I had the honey removed from my house by our wonderful friends to give him a break from life, he called a few hours in to tell me how much he had to drink (again, my friends are so good to us) how much he loved me and missed me and thanked me for making him get out of the house. After that, we texted in only a manner in which we can communicate with each other. The ways of the world, how we found in the other exactly what we needed. How we find that all the time. How hard we've worked to have a good marriage, if nothing else. It was wonderful to know, that even though we don't always have everything we need, we always have each other and sometimes, that is need met enough. My husband is the best friend in the world. He is good to me and I always make sure I am good to him. I am blessed to have him to grow up with.
This afternoon was encounters with friends we haven't seen in a long time, and it is truly amazing to have the opportunity to be in these people's lives. They may not seem important to you, but my friends are not about the drama, they care about different things, and it is nice to be around them. To know someone understands. Someone is going through what I'm going through, or been through it recently or just barely missed it. By some miracle hubby kept Ethan, and my friend's hubby stayed at my house with their youngin' and me and my girlfriend got to go out in public - the fall festival - without our babies or husbands! Let me tell you it was good! So refreshing! I cannot explain to women and men, how important it is to have luxury time AWAY from your family, they are wonderful and amazing, but it is good to remember who you are and to be yourself. With a young child like I, and my friends all have, it is not easy, but so worth finding the time.
This evening we went to a bonfire/birthday party/ cook out at a friends. AMAZING. The best part aside from seeing good people we haven't seen in a while was watching my son. He is so well behaved (Thank you Pa for 'the board') and so easy to love, and smart and had an absolute blast! There is nothing quite like watching my son experience the world for the first time, every single day!
We are still lacking in our areas of employment, but Monday starts anew. We filed for unemployment and I think that may help. I've stopped watching the news and am only vaguely aware of the repercussions of the whole shutdown thing. I'm not a fan of the debauchery of the government these days anyway. I am positive I would be able to thrive in a dystopian society. As the days creep on by, I am less worried about what will happen and more ready for something to do.
Well, I've had a long day of good times, so it's off to bed for this chick! We live another day!
God bless you all!
I'm baaaaaack! I told you all it would take was 24 hours. I just needed to sit back and take everything in. It's a little difficult for me at times and I don't always handle it well. I would much rather see the world through my warped and tinted glasses :)
After I had the honey removed from my house by our wonderful friends to give him a break from life, he called a few hours in to tell me how much he had to drink (again, my friends are so good to us) how much he loved me and missed me and thanked me for making him get out of the house. After that, we texted in only a manner in which we can communicate with each other. The ways of the world, how we found in the other exactly what we needed. How we find that all the time. How hard we've worked to have a good marriage, if nothing else. It was wonderful to know, that even though we don't always have everything we need, we always have each other and sometimes, that is need met enough. My husband is the best friend in the world. He is good to me and I always make sure I am good to him. I am blessed to have him to grow up with.
This afternoon was encounters with friends we haven't seen in a long time, and it is truly amazing to have the opportunity to be in these people's lives. They may not seem important to you, but my friends are not about the drama, they care about different things, and it is nice to be around them. To know someone understands. Someone is going through what I'm going through, or been through it recently or just barely missed it. By some miracle hubby kept Ethan, and my friend's hubby stayed at my house with their youngin' and me and my girlfriend got to go out in public - the fall festival - without our babies or husbands! Let me tell you it was good! So refreshing! I cannot explain to women and men, how important it is to have luxury time AWAY from your family, they are wonderful and amazing, but it is good to remember who you are and to be yourself. With a young child like I, and my friends all have, it is not easy, but so worth finding the time.
This evening we went to a bonfire/birthday party/ cook out at a friends. AMAZING. The best part aside from seeing good people we haven't seen in a while was watching my son. He is so well behaved (Thank you Pa for 'the board') and so easy to love, and smart and had an absolute blast! There is nothing quite like watching my son experience the world for the first time, every single day!
We are still lacking in our areas of employment, but Monday starts anew. We filed for unemployment and I think that may help. I've stopped watching the news and am only vaguely aware of the repercussions of the whole shutdown thing. I'm not a fan of the debauchery of the government these days anyway. I am positive I would be able to thrive in a dystopian society. As the days creep on by, I am less worried about what will happen and more ready for something to do.
Well, I've had a long day of good times, so it's off to bed for this chick! We live another day!
God bless you all!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Day 13: Reap and Sow
Looking back, today was actually kind of crappy. I woke up to a horribly messy house, which always puts me in a bad mood, and the accumulation of all of the crappy things that have happened in the last few weeks slapped me in the face when the power man came by to turn me off. Thank you, to a totally awesome person who loves me more than life itself, we still have power. This person loves me enough to give me a much needed ass chewing too. Double whammy, yay.
Things like this tend to put me in a pretty crappy mood. I feel like I am completely dehydrated, trying to drink water from a rapidly evaporating puddle. It's not just trying to stop the bleeding, it's trying to keep the heart pumping with not enough juice to go 'round. This is my "I am defeated" mood.
They totally suck, but are super important in life. I hate being sad, angry and depressed. Yet, at the same time, it's good. Not good as in refreshing, but good as in Iodine stings, good. What makes it worse, is my hubby picks up on my mood and thinks it is the perfect time to tease the daylights out of me, putting me in a much better mood (sarcasm heavily implied).
The most wonderful thing that occurred today was that I got to make 3 new diapers for a wonderful friend, and got to visit with said friend. Awesome!
Let's discuss what defeat is. Defeat is the complete lack of success, after trying. So hard, for so long. I hate feeling like this, but when reality drags you back into its painful depths, it's hard to ignore. I have far from given up, but now is the time to admit that there are less creative ways to succeed. Sometimes, the more obvious route is the one that should be taken. This is where my prayers change from "Lord, thank you. Thank you for my family, my home, my friends...." to "Lord, help me. Help me figure this out, guide me, walk with me today and let me not slip and fall. Show me what it is I should be doing, where I am supposed to be going and bring me back from certain doom...." Maybe I should be praying like this always... This is where I realize that even though I walk with God everyday, I may not be living how God wants me to live. That I am not wholly dependent on God like I should be. I still get in my own way. That's what hurts, knowing that the only one who is responsible for this mess here is me. That I could have avoided this if I had stayed on my toes. Been more diligent about not being led astray by the evil of this world.
I'm aware that this is a huge deviation from my usual writing style. That it seems scary and depressing to go from such joy and excitement last night, to this depressing tale today. Let me just tell you, it requires a conscious effort to remain happy when everything around you is far less than ideal. When you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, or even the very next turn. Shit, forget seeing the car your riding in! When that energy runs low, it is easy to turn into this. A day like today, knowing that we are always on the brink of complete and utter failure beyond any retribution, took the last of what I had to keep this ship afloat. I did what I could to improve everything. My house is squeaky clean, I was able to wash a few diapers, and I made my friends take my hubby away for the evening. Tomorrow... alas, tomorrow will be better. I will find the joy in teaching my son to talk, and spending time with my honey, and all the wonderful creations I have waiting to be put together. So everyone will know, this is a rare insight into the workings of my mind. This is why people think that I may actually be a little, ummm, crazy. Firstly, that I can stay optimistic at all during crisis, and secondly that it can turn so fast into what appears to be severe depression. I may be crazy, but if so, I've been this way my whole life, and I know how to handle it. At least you have something interesting to read everyday!
Tomorrow we will try to keep breaking old habits and maybe get ahead. Thank you all for reading, Good night and God bless!
Things like this tend to put me in a pretty crappy mood. I feel like I am completely dehydrated, trying to drink water from a rapidly evaporating puddle. It's not just trying to stop the bleeding, it's trying to keep the heart pumping with not enough juice to go 'round. This is my "I am defeated" mood.
They totally suck, but are super important in life. I hate being sad, angry and depressed. Yet, at the same time, it's good. Not good as in refreshing, but good as in Iodine stings, good. What makes it worse, is my hubby picks up on my mood and thinks it is the perfect time to tease the daylights out of me, putting me in a much better mood (sarcasm heavily implied).
The most wonderful thing that occurred today was that I got to make 3 new diapers for a wonderful friend, and got to visit with said friend. Awesome!
Let's discuss what defeat is. Defeat is the complete lack of success, after trying. So hard, for so long. I hate feeling like this, but when reality drags you back into its painful depths, it's hard to ignore. I have far from given up, but now is the time to admit that there are less creative ways to succeed. Sometimes, the more obvious route is the one that should be taken. This is where my prayers change from "Lord, thank you. Thank you for my family, my home, my friends...." to "Lord, help me. Help me figure this out, guide me, walk with me today and let me not slip and fall. Show me what it is I should be doing, where I am supposed to be going and bring me back from certain doom...." Maybe I should be praying like this always... This is where I realize that even though I walk with God everyday, I may not be living how God wants me to live. That I am not wholly dependent on God like I should be. I still get in my own way. That's what hurts, knowing that the only one who is responsible for this mess here is me. That I could have avoided this if I had stayed on my toes. Been more diligent about not being led astray by the evil of this world.
I'm aware that this is a huge deviation from my usual writing style. That it seems scary and depressing to go from such joy and excitement last night, to this depressing tale today. Let me just tell you, it requires a conscious effort to remain happy when everything around you is far less than ideal. When you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, or even the very next turn. Shit, forget seeing the car your riding in! When that energy runs low, it is easy to turn into this. A day like today, knowing that we are always on the brink of complete and utter failure beyond any retribution, took the last of what I had to keep this ship afloat. I did what I could to improve everything. My house is squeaky clean, I was able to wash a few diapers, and I made my friends take my hubby away for the evening. Tomorrow... alas, tomorrow will be better. I will find the joy in teaching my son to talk, and spending time with my honey, and all the wonderful creations I have waiting to be put together. So everyone will know, this is a rare insight into the workings of my mind. This is why people think that I may actually be a little, ummm, crazy. Firstly, that I can stay optimistic at all during crisis, and secondly that it can turn so fast into what appears to be severe depression. I may be crazy, but if so, I've been this way my whole life, and I know how to handle it. At least you have something interesting to read everyday!
Tomorrow we will try to keep breaking old habits and maybe get ahead. Thank you all for reading, Good night and God bless!
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 12: Move It or Lose It!
Welcome back folks!
Glad you could join us for another round! Today was uneventful, and the most exciting thing that happened was my son's 18 month check up. He is 34" tall, weighs in at 32lbs and mommy and daddy need to stop enabling Ethan's sign language and make him talk like everyone else does. That being said he is perfectly healthy and still fat; 97 percentile (I really like that word) for his height and 98 % for his weight. That means he is fat folks. It's ok, the doc said he will be a hoss, so no worries. Oh and he is clinically awesome. It's genetic not contagious so don't worry, your kids are safe!
Since my brain goes roughly 1.5 million miles an hour, I have concluded quite a few things today. Here is the first: Friends are the most valuable resource you will ever have. Whether you have 1 good one or 10 pretty good ones they are valuable. They know sides of you that you never knew existed and they are there for you no matter what. Their friendship, loyalty and honest words should never be squandered, unappreciated or stolen. Give just as much if not more to them than they give to you. These people have grown to know you over a period of time and they stand by your side no matter what, even though it might be better for their health to keep a distance. They give you exceptional advice and they do not judge you. They are the family you create when your family is low on members (if you are an only child) or when they are not being very family oriented (we have all been there, didn't get a T-shirt) In my household, we often hold our friends a teensy bit higher than family (much to our family's displeasure, sorry, we pick awesome friends). We also are stupidly loyal to our friends, and sadly, we expect our friends to hold the same dying loyalty to us with very poor results (we really shouldn't tease outsiders a.k.a friends of friends). They are still awesome though. They put up with our crazy, listen to us when we are down, and let the music blast when the good times roll. I love my family to the ends of this Earth, but my friends are the family I would have chosen if I could.
The second thing that dawned on me today; this one requires a tiny bit of background info ... I believe that we come to this world to learn things. What we don't learn the lesson is revamped and recycled back to us in a timely fashion. This cycle will repeat until the lesson is sufficiently mastered. ... My hubby and I are on a mission. We keep reliving the same financial issues and we don't understand what we are doing wrong. We have attempted budget after budget, I've worked, he's worked, sometimes he has 2 jobs, sometimes I have 2 jobs, we scrimp and save, we make no luxury purchases etc. Even though we are getting smarter about how to operate the money, we still end up back where we are right now. So because I cannot have a real time conversation with my teacher (God) I don't really know what I am supposed to be learning. Which means, I get to take another guess!
Maybe we are bad at handling money (this thought still hurts my pride...) I am wondering if it is what we are doing to acquire money that may be the issue. My husband and I are what psychologists call "co-dependent" which means that we are like twins separated from the womb, reunited decades later. So we function best when we spend LONG periods of time in each other's presence. Most people find it annoying to be around a loved one for more than a few hours, to us, we are just getting started. Thinking about how, regardless of what is happening right now, we are really enjoying spending time together got me thinking about freelance.
Freelance is something I never really considered before last week, and something I think hubby and I should turn to first, not as a filler. Some things just honest to God never occur to me. Maybe it was the years of "Do you ever shut up?!" or "WHAT did you just say?" Ahhh, gotta love family!
I love writing. I am good at it. I have a natural knack for spotting spelling and grammar errors within a written work, hence the awesome proof-reading I have done for my friends (and will gladly do again) and all those weird typos in books I've spotted. I have hundreds of ideas in my mind all the time and I am always wondering why someone never writes about them! I have come to find that my perspective is unique because I believe in being a conservative, a feminist and a traditional - God's honest 1950's housewife all rolled into one. I also feel that war and bloodshed, although tragic, serve a purpose, and maybe Niccolo Machiavelli wasn't so crazy after all....
Aside from writing out my crazy thoughts, there is plenty of other stuff I can do. Hubby and I have Life ADD (totally contagious, unlike our awesomeness) We bounce all over the place, and make adult decisions then we decide we would like to make other adult decisions counter to the decisions we just made. (Not like Ethan, he was probably the best decision after we decided to get married!) We go to school, we quit school because it's damn expensive! Then we find these awesome jobs, and they turn out to be not so awesome 6 months in. Then we decide we need a reliable, sturdy vehicle, then we realize we didn't have reliable sturdy jobs. Crap. Oh, wait, going back to stuff I can do. Well, I like knowledge. Like a lot. People on facebook have come to realize I capture (to be released) bugs and study them, Google my butt off, and voila! I now know what an Imperial Moth Caterpillar is! Well because I like to know stuff, I am really good at research. And - follow me here, it confuses even me - because I can do research I can teach myself things, or maybe I taught myself to do research because I like to know things and I am good at stuff.... Anyway, I knit.
In addition to knitting I also know how to sew (20 years actually) and I can draw, paint, bind books, repair small machines, small household electrical wiring and other repairs, clean, organize, self-motivate and OH! I can teach other people how to do it too. I would have a vlog, but still fighting my insecurities here. I should use what I have to make money, not make money for something I should have.
I can do a great many things, I can create a great and varied world for myself, and those around me. Some days I feel so old. Yet, today... Today I believe myself to be exactly as young as I am. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. God afforded me an opportunity to be a wife and mother at a young age and I am so incredibly grateful for that. My husband and my son bring such massive amounts of joy to my heart it makes me want to cry. I think I have been trying to fit myself in a box for so long, I forgot what it was like to be unfettered. I must be a dreamer, because I believe that there is nothing in this world that is truly impossible. I am an eternal optimist and although I feel the chaos tugging at my heels, I am grounded in the clouds.
Goodnight fair readers! May God reign blessings upon you!
Glad you could join us for another round! Today was uneventful, and the most exciting thing that happened was my son's 18 month check up. He is 34" tall, weighs in at 32lbs and mommy and daddy need to stop enabling Ethan's sign language and make him talk like everyone else does. That being said he is perfectly healthy and still fat; 97 percentile (I really like that word) for his height and 98 % for his weight. That means he is fat folks. It's ok, the doc said he will be a hoss, so no worries. Oh and he is clinically awesome. It's genetic not contagious so don't worry, your kids are safe!
Since my brain goes roughly 1.5 million miles an hour, I have concluded quite a few things today. Here is the first: Friends are the most valuable resource you will ever have. Whether you have 1 good one or 10 pretty good ones they are valuable. They know sides of you that you never knew existed and they are there for you no matter what. Their friendship, loyalty and honest words should never be squandered, unappreciated or stolen. Give just as much if not more to them than they give to you. These people have grown to know you over a period of time and they stand by your side no matter what, even though it might be better for their health to keep a distance. They give you exceptional advice and they do not judge you. They are the family you create when your family is low on members (if you are an only child) or when they are not being very family oriented (we have all been there, didn't get a T-shirt) In my household, we often hold our friends a teensy bit higher than family (much to our family's displeasure, sorry, we pick awesome friends). We also are stupidly loyal to our friends, and sadly, we expect our friends to hold the same dying loyalty to us with very poor results (we really shouldn't tease outsiders a.k.a friends of friends). They are still awesome though. They put up with our crazy, listen to us when we are down, and let the music blast when the good times roll. I love my family to the ends of this Earth, but my friends are the family I would have chosen if I could.
The second thing that dawned on me today; this one requires a tiny bit of background info ... I believe that we come to this world to learn things. What we don't learn the lesson is revamped and recycled back to us in a timely fashion. This cycle will repeat until the lesson is sufficiently mastered. ... My hubby and I are on a mission. We keep reliving the same financial issues and we don't understand what we are doing wrong. We have attempted budget after budget, I've worked, he's worked, sometimes he has 2 jobs, sometimes I have 2 jobs, we scrimp and save, we make no luxury purchases etc. Even though we are getting smarter about how to operate the money, we still end up back where we are right now. So because I cannot have a real time conversation with my teacher (God) I don't really know what I am supposed to be learning. Which means, I get to take another guess!
Maybe we are bad at handling money (this thought still hurts my pride...) I am wondering if it is what we are doing to acquire money that may be the issue. My husband and I are what psychologists call "co-dependent" which means that we are like twins separated from the womb, reunited decades later. So we function best when we spend LONG periods of time in each other's presence. Most people find it annoying to be around a loved one for more than a few hours, to us, we are just getting started. Thinking about how, regardless of what is happening right now, we are really enjoying spending time together got me thinking about freelance.
Freelance is something I never really considered before last week, and something I think hubby and I should turn to first, not as a filler. Some things just honest to God never occur to me. Maybe it was the years of "Do you ever shut up?!" or "WHAT did you just say?" Ahhh, gotta love family!
I love writing. I am good at it. I have a natural knack for spotting spelling and grammar errors within a written work, hence the awesome proof-reading I have done for my friends (and will gladly do again) and all those weird typos in books I've spotted. I have hundreds of ideas in my mind all the time and I am always wondering why someone never writes about them! I have come to find that my perspective is unique because I believe in being a conservative, a feminist and a traditional - God's honest 1950's housewife all rolled into one. I also feel that war and bloodshed, although tragic, serve a purpose, and maybe Niccolo Machiavelli wasn't so crazy after all....
Aside from writing out my crazy thoughts, there is plenty of other stuff I can do. Hubby and I have Life ADD (totally contagious, unlike our awesomeness) We bounce all over the place, and make adult decisions then we decide we would like to make other adult decisions counter to the decisions we just made. (Not like Ethan, he was probably the best decision after we decided to get married!) We go to school, we quit school because it's damn expensive! Then we find these awesome jobs, and they turn out to be not so awesome 6 months in. Then we decide we need a reliable, sturdy vehicle, then we realize we didn't have reliable sturdy jobs. Crap. Oh, wait, going back to stuff I can do. Well, I like knowledge. Like a lot. People on facebook have come to realize I capture (to be released) bugs and study them, Google my butt off, and voila! I now know what an Imperial Moth Caterpillar is! Well because I like to know stuff, I am really good at research. And - follow me here, it confuses even me - because I can do research I can teach myself things, or maybe I taught myself to do research because I like to know things and I am good at stuff.... Anyway, I knit.
In addition to knitting I also know how to sew (20 years actually) and I can draw, paint, bind books, repair small machines, small household electrical wiring and other repairs, clean, organize, self-motivate and OH! I can teach other people how to do it too. I would have a vlog, but still fighting my insecurities here. I should use what I have to make money, not make money for something I should have.
I can do a great many things, I can create a great and varied world for myself, and those around me. Some days I feel so old. Yet, today... Today I believe myself to be exactly as young as I am. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. God afforded me an opportunity to be a wife and mother at a young age and I am so incredibly grateful for that. My husband and my son bring such massive amounts of joy to my heart it makes me want to cry. I think I have been trying to fit myself in a box for so long, I forgot what it was like to be unfettered. I must be a dreamer, because I believe that there is nothing in this world that is truly impossible. I am an eternal optimist and although I feel the chaos tugging at my heels, I am grounded in the clouds.
Goodnight fair readers! May God reign blessings upon you!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
A Little Visual For You
I always like to see pictures, so this is one of me about 18 months
And here is my son, roughly the same age. I pretty much spit him out :)
Day 11: Stagnation
Today was rather unproductive as far as actual financial gain is concerned. Yet, it was full of a myriad of leads, excellent conversation and a few more revelations about life.
I had a gentleman call me to pay a debt I owe (get in line) and when I asked if he could call me back in 2 weeks because I could not even do the very minimum payment arrangement at this point he got huffy with me and asked how I was paying everything else. To which I responded "I am not." No income no outgo. DUH. Slightly offended as I was at his lack of comprehension, after the phone conversation had ended, I began to think more about the things I value. And I came to the conclusion, with my husband, that I never will endeavor to be rich.
I do not want such an influx of capitol as to cover my own eyes. I do not want the flashy indicators that say "look at me, be envious" I don't want to worry that I have outgrown my friends, and I never want to worry about losing what I gained with my own two hands - to anything.
I want everything in my life to be a reflection of what I believe. I believe that there is some good in all of us. I believe that there is a way to achieve even the most impossible of dreams. I believe that what I make also makes me. I believe in compassion, love, philosophy and above all else, faith. I never want people to look at what I don't have or never accomplished and tell me that I have failed. I want my world to be built up of the truths I have made within my own life.
I am unconcerned with how much I have or have not, but the legacy I will one day leave behind. I know within my heart, to the depths of my soul that I have touched every single person in my life. Whether it be good or bad. That I came into this world as a force of nature, and that I am difficult to handle in large doses. I know that in the years I have fought against my hard rooted insecurities, anxiety, depression and probably some mild sociopathy - that I am all that I am. Though I may change and it's evident that I still grow, the foundation of who I am will not change. And I love that about myself. I know what I know, and I damn sure know what I don't. That no matter what, I always analyze the situation first, and act second (my brain works lightning fast fyi), that I say and do things other are unwilling to do. Mostly it is for myself, but more so for my son. He is a child from another generation, and he deserves to have parents who are sure of themselves and their decisions. Even when we make bad ones, he needs to see us sinking with the ship to rise up from the waters.
Though today gained us little in the short term I most assuredly feel that we are making progress in the larger areas. Leave it to me to find peace amid the chaos. I love nothing more than to marvel at the flames as they eat me alive. Finally, (I am sure you have all had enough of my rambling) That which cannot die, cannot be reborn.
God bless you all, stay faithful!
I had a gentleman call me to pay a debt I owe (get in line) and when I asked if he could call me back in 2 weeks because I could not even do the very minimum payment arrangement at this point he got huffy with me and asked how I was paying everything else. To which I responded "I am not." No income no outgo. DUH. Slightly offended as I was at his lack of comprehension, after the phone conversation had ended, I began to think more about the things I value. And I came to the conclusion, with my husband, that I never will endeavor to be rich.
I do not want such an influx of capitol as to cover my own eyes. I do not want the flashy indicators that say "look at me, be envious" I don't want to worry that I have outgrown my friends, and I never want to worry about losing what I gained with my own two hands - to anything.
I want everything in my life to be a reflection of what I believe. I believe that there is some good in all of us. I believe that there is a way to achieve even the most impossible of dreams. I believe that what I make also makes me. I believe in compassion, love, philosophy and above all else, faith. I never want people to look at what I don't have or never accomplished and tell me that I have failed. I want my world to be built up of the truths I have made within my own life.
I am unconcerned with how much I have or have not, but the legacy I will one day leave behind. I know within my heart, to the depths of my soul that I have touched every single person in my life. Whether it be good or bad. That I came into this world as a force of nature, and that I am difficult to handle in large doses. I know that in the years I have fought against my hard rooted insecurities, anxiety, depression and probably some mild sociopathy - that I am all that I am. Though I may change and it's evident that I still grow, the foundation of who I am will not change. And I love that about myself. I know what I know, and I damn sure know what I don't. That no matter what, I always analyze the situation first, and act second (my brain works lightning fast fyi), that I say and do things other are unwilling to do. Mostly it is for myself, but more so for my son. He is a child from another generation, and he deserves to have parents who are sure of themselves and their decisions. Even when we make bad ones, he needs to see us sinking with the ship to rise up from the waters.
Though today gained us little in the short term I most assuredly feel that we are making progress in the larger areas. Leave it to me to find peace amid the chaos. I love nothing more than to marvel at the flames as they eat me alive. Finally, (I am sure you have all had enough of my rambling) That which cannot die, cannot be reborn.
God bless you all, stay faithful!
Epiphany
Because I am not Oprah, I will not call it an "aha" moment. Epiphany is a word for a reason. That being said, let me elaborate:
In reading the last few pages of Tightwad Gazette II By Amy Dacyczyn she begins to explain why being frugal is a good thing. What I began to see is the difference between someone who is poor and someone who is wealthy. For years, I believed that I was poor because I don't usually have the extra money to go clothes shopping as much as some friends I had did. I never bought strictly brand name anything, I always inspected quality, then price. Even with these things running through my head, I must stop and think of all the amazing things I have, that few I know do.
I am wealthy. I am wealthy in my intelligence which leads me to continuously make changes where needed to constantly improve. My analytical nature has brought me to track down every poor financial decision I made, and formulate strategies to stick to my guns in the future (Hello, the PT is a POS) I am wealthy because I have 20 YEARS of sewing under my belt. At 25 that is damn near unheard of! I am wealthy in my marriage. My husband and I value each other like no one else can. Yes we drive each other crazy, but I know (today) without a single doubt (even couples with 40 years wonder sometimes) that we will still be married when our children graduate college. We support each other, and help each other to grow, we respect each other (I cannot say the same for every marriage I have seen) I am wealthy in my faith in God. It is simply boundless (again today, God might send me a wonderful trail/ tribulation tomorrow) No matter what happens in life, I look to my faith. I am wealthy in my child. My son is the most incredible, coolest, most handsome kid I have EVER met in my life (maybe it's my motherly love, but those of you who have met him know...) He is crazy intelligent, looks like the poster child for Eastern European made goods, he is an absolute beast at 3 feet tall and a whopping 30lbs. 18 months old today too! His personality is the perfect combination of my husband's childlike, mischievous, 100% boy and my tinkering, mechanical and curious nature. Somehow, he is 100% himself too.
With all of this, who could tell me I am poor? I have come to learn, that I value things far greater and more long lasting than a few transient pieces of green paper that everyone else seems to chase around with limited success and decreasing value.
In reading the last few pages of Tightwad Gazette II By Amy Dacyczyn she begins to explain why being frugal is a good thing. What I began to see is the difference between someone who is poor and someone who is wealthy. For years, I believed that I was poor because I don't usually have the extra money to go clothes shopping as much as some friends I had did. I never bought strictly brand name anything, I always inspected quality, then price. Even with these things running through my head, I must stop and think of all the amazing things I have, that few I know do.
I am wealthy. I am wealthy in my intelligence which leads me to continuously make changes where needed to constantly improve. My analytical nature has brought me to track down every poor financial decision I made, and formulate strategies to stick to my guns in the future (Hello, the PT is a POS) I am wealthy because I have 20 YEARS of sewing under my belt. At 25 that is damn near unheard of! I am wealthy in my marriage. My husband and I value each other like no one else can. Yes we drive each other crazy, but I know (today) without a single doubt (even couples with 40 years wonder sometimes) that we will still be married when our children graduate college. We support each other, and help each other to grow, we respect each other (I cannot say the same for every marriage I have seen) I am wealthy in my faith in God. It is simply boundless (again today, God might send me a wonderful trail/ tribulation tomorrow) No matter what happens in life, I look to my faith. I am wealthy in my child. My son is the most incredible, coolest, most handsome kid I have EVER met in my life (maybe it's my motherly love, but those of you who have met him know...) He is crazy intelligent, looks like the poster child for Eastern European made goods, he is an absolute beast at 3 feet tall and a whopping 30lbs. 18 months old today too! His personality is the perfect combination of my husband's childlike, mischievous, 100% boy and my tinkering, mechanical and curious nature. Somehow, he is 100% himself too.
With all of this, who could tell me I am poor? I have come to learn, that I value things far greater and more long lasting than a few transient pieces of green paper that everyone else seems to chase around with limited success and decreasing value.
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