Friday, October 4, 2013

Day 13: Reap and Sow

 Looking back, today was actually kind of crappy. I woke up to a horribly messy house, which always puts me in a bad mood, and the accumulation of all of the crappy things that have happened in the last few weeks slapped me in the face when the power man came by to turn me off. Thank you, to a totally awesome person who loves me more than life itself, we still have power. This person loves me enough to give me a much needed ass chewing too. Double whammy, yay.
      Things like this tend to put me in a pretty crappy mood. I feel like I am completely dehydrated, trying to drink water from a rapidly evaporating puddle. It's not just trying to stop the bleeding, it's trying to keep the heart pumping with not enough juice to go 'round. This is my "I am defeated" mood.
  They totally suck, but are super important in life. I hate being sad, angry and depressed. Yet, at the same time, it's good. Not good as in refreshing, but good as in Iodine stings, good. What makes it worse, is my hubby picks up on my mood and thinks it is the perfect time to tease the daylights out of me, putting me in a much better mood (sarcasm heavily implied).
    The most wonderful thing that occurred today was that I got to make 3 new diapers for a wonderful friend, and got to visit with said friend. Awesome!

    Let's discuss what defeat is. Defeat is the complete lack of success, after trying. So hard, for so long. I hate feeling like this, but when reality drags you back into its painful depths, it's hard to ignore. I have far from given up, but now is the time to admit that there are less creative ways to succeed. Sometimes, the more obvious route is the one that should be taken. This is where my prayers change from "Lord, thank you. Thank you for my family, my home, my friends...." to "Lord, help me. Help me figure this out, guide me, walk with me today and let me not slip and fall. Show me what it is I should be doing, where I am supposed to be going and bring me back from certain doom...." Maybe I should be praying like this always... This is where I realize that even though I walk with God everyday, I may not be living how God wants me to live. That I am not wholly dependent on God like I should be. I still get in my own way. That's what hurts, knowing that the only one who is responsible for this mess here is me. That I could have avoided this if I had stayed on my toes. Been more diligent about not being led astray by the evil of this world.

I'm aware that this is a huge deviation from my usual writing style. That it seems scary and depressing to go from such joy and excitement last night, to this depressing tale today. Let me just tell you, it requires a conscious effort to remain happy when everything around you is far less than ideal. When you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, or even the very next turn. Shit, forget seeing the car your riding in! When that energy runs low, it is easy to turn into this. A day like today, knowing that we are always on the brink of complete and utter failure beyond any retribution, took the last of what I had to keep this ship afloat. I did what I could to improve everything. My house is squeaky clean, I was able to wash a few diapers, and I made my friends take my hubby away for the evening. Tomorrow... alas, tomorrow will be better. I will find the joy in teaching my son to talk, and spending time with my honey, and all the wonderful creations I have waiting to be put together. So everyone will know, this is a rare insight into the workings of my mind. This is why people think that I may actually be a little, ummm, crazy. Firstly, that I can stay optimistic at all during crisis, and secondly that it can turn so fast into what appears to be severe depression. I may be crazy, but if so, I've been this way my whole life, and I know how to handle it. At least you have something interesting to read everyday!

Tomorrow we will try to keep breaking old habits and maybe get ahead. Thank you all for reading, Good night and God bless!

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