Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Day 11: Stagnation

    Today was rather unproductive as far as actual financial gain is concerned. Yet, it was full of a myriad of leads, excellent conversation and a few more revelations about life.
     I had a gentleman call me to pay a debt I owe (get in line) and when I asked if he could call me back in 2 weeks because I could not even do the very minimum payment arrangement at this point he got huffy with me and asked how I was paying everything else. To which I responded "I am not." No income no outgo. DUH. Slightly offended as I was at his lack of comprehension, after the phone conversation had ended, I began to think more about the things I value. And I came to the conclusion, with my husband, that I never will endeavor to be rich.
     I do not want such an influx of capitol as to cover my own eyes. I do not want the flashy indicators that say "look at me, be envious" I don't want to worry that I have outgrown my friends, and I never want to worry about losing what I gained with my own two hands - to anything.
     I want everything in my life to be a reflection of what I believe. I believe that there is some good in all of us. I believe that there is a way to achieve even the most impossible of dreams. I believe that what I make also makes me. I believe in compassion, love, philosophy and above all else, faith. I never want people to look at what I don't have or never accomplished and tell me that I have failed. I want my world to be built up of the truths I have made within my own life.
      I am unconcerned with how much I have or have not, but the legacy I will one day leave behind. I know within my heart, to the depths of my soul that I have touched every single person in my life. Whether it be good or bad. That I came into this world as a force of nature, and that I am difficult to handle in large doses. I know that in the years I have fought against my hard rooted insecurities, anxiety, depression and probably some mild sociopathy - that I am all that I am. Though I may change and it's evident that I still grow, the foundation of who I am will not change. And I love that about myself. I know what I know, and I damn sure know what I don't. That no matter what, I always analyze the situation first, and act second (my brain works lightning fast fyi), that I say and do things other are unwilling to do. Mostly it is for myself, but more so for my son. He is a child from another generation, and he deserves to have parents who are sure of themselves and their decisions. Even when we make bad ones, he needs to see us sinking with the ship to rise up from the waters.

      Though today gained us little in the short term I most assuredly feel that we are making progress in the larger areas. Leave it to me to find peace amid the chaos. I love nothing more than to marvel at the flames as they eat me alive. Finally, (I am sure you have all had enough of my rambling) That which cannot die, cannot be reborn.

    God bless you all, stay faithful!

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