Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Day 17: Catch and Release

Today was ... weird. It was cloudy, and gloomy, and Kevyn stayed up all night, so he didn't wake up until 2pm. Just weird. My crafty bones sure were itchy today!
      So itchy in fact, that I had to make something. So I did. I began working on my mother in law's Christmas present, and since I know for a fact that she does not read my blog (because I've never given her the URL and I am not sure she knows how to work the internet) I can tell you all what it is: A personal notebook. Sounds stupid right? Yeah, well I am so crafty I made her a book from scratch. Well it's not finished yet, but the hard part is over. I collected up some paper, images that I found to be visually stimulating, and a bunch of other stuff and started making booklets of pages to be bound together. I've already poked holes for stitching, but it was then dinner time and everyone hand to be tended to.
     After dinner I made some experimental cheese stuffed rolls. They are almost done baking now. I am having a Partylite, Party Thursday and I get to make the treats! I know for sure, that chocolate lava cakes are on the menu....
And so are these...
I am looking forward to this party so much! It's an excellent excuse to get out of my house, to visit with friends and leave my boys behind for a while.
While I was being so damn crafty today, I had quite a few thoughts roll through my mind. Some I've had before, and you will recognize them. I thought about how I am good at so many things, mainly thinking, I'm really good at that, but all of the crafting I can do, to the point where if I think I can make something, I will refuse to purchase it. I thought about the dynamics of my writing, and how being a creative person just rolls off me. All of these thoughts led to my end goal. Which I am still unsure of what that is. I am not quite sure what I want to be doing for the rest of my life, but whatever it is, I do not want it to be something I don't enjoy.
But I don't know what that would be. I enjoy a lot of stuff. A lot. A myriad, a plethora, a slew, a heap... You get the point. I don't know how to determine what I enjoy the most, so I can figure out how to do THAT for the rest of my life. I think I just enjoy living. I have such a deep appreciation for the tides of life. Or chapters, never mind, I'm getting off topic.
For a long time, I've wanted to be a teacher. I used to day dream about it at my other jobs. The kids in my class, the subject matter, the classroom itself. What I'd wear, how I'd teach, how I'd discipline, and maintain order. My subject of choice would have been history. Though I have a stronger love for art. I picked history because I feel that I could teach in it a way to make it relatable. My love of things old and antiquated comes from my mother. We can feel the people on the other side of the timeline when we touch something old. We can feel their life. That I've always felt was important.
I did have an idea the other day that disrupted my long stood belief that I would eventually become a history teacher, that thought was this; I had a brief moment (just a little FYI, I think in pictures, I don't know what that means, but I think in hi-def. movies) of insight where I felt compelled to call one of the local schools, and ask to talk to the art department about coming in to teach the students how to bind books. Obviously, with the previous note, this whole thing unfolded in my head in a series of mashed up images from me memories and things I have yet to see. What is amazing was the feeling I got when this thought unfolded over me. I felt... fulfilled, purposeful, at peace, blissful. All at the same time.
What stopped me from doing this very thing was all of my weird insecurities, and anxiety. It was a stupid idea, they'd never go for it, I have no degree so it's automatically a "no". Things like that, stop me every day. Again, with the thinking in pictures thing, it is more like the images begin to fade, sometimes they turn dark, with the echoes of the voices I've heard telling me these very things in the background of it all.
 Yet, the images come back. All of the joy I have found in my life, the true bone aching joy, usually surrounds my art, whatever that may be. I call it being in the zone, and suddenly I have no patience and I get mean when interrupted. No wonder I've done such little art in the last 6 years.
  I wonder if I should shift my focus and become an art teacher after all. Well, we have to get ourselves out of this stupid mess before any of that can happen.
 I'm a little sad. I am sad for all the art work I haven't done. I'm sad that I want perfect circumstances to do it in, and I cannot have them. I'm sad because today, we do not have jobs. My sanctuary is becoming my prison and that is sad.
Oh well... There are many things I find peace in. Making a something out of nothing today really brought to light some things I have been avoiding in myself for a long time. Even though I have accepted the fact that I am weird by nature, I am still trying to act "normal". There is no such thing, that is not an attainable goal. What is normal for me was my life long ago, in an art studio that was all mine whenever I wanted it. And 3 am lent itself to very few other artists. That I was madly in love with my art professor (so was half of the class), and that I dreamed for myself a life of an artist. Instead I am living the life of an artist with no art to show for it. My poor hubby still denies the fact that he is any kind of artist, when truth be told, I never would have married him if he wasn't. He can't draw, big whoop, there are plenty of artist who can't.
We have vowed to have gainful employment by the end of this week. We are stubborn and very goal oriented when we want to be. So jobs we shall have. And my dreams will go in the little junk drawer they always do, until it shakes and rattles for me to let them out.
I live the life of a freelancer when I can
Creating within the world I live a special kind of brand
Between scrubbing dishes, and little children I find a peace of mind
Inside my brain where creepy things do hide
I live a life of freedom of choice, though financial freedom is not for me
I pick and choose with bill roulette Yet I'm always here for you
What is important is that little philosophy to live
What you want you can have
If you have everything to give
Good Night my peoples! I hope you've enjoyed, though it doesn't matter because I won't know!
God Bless you and remember those who are helpless, or hurting in your prayers tonight!


  1. Seek out a 4-H or a Brownie/Boy Scout troop. There are many venues to teach from. Adult ed is another ( and you'd get paid ! ) You could try all three! Do not despair as this is a time of gestation in your life. Your ideas and plans need time to go from seed to being ready for birthing. As with any pregnancy, it takes time and nothing we can do will hurry it. So, wait, gather skills and information about the things you love and enjoy, absorb as much as you can and when the time comes to birth your ideas, you will recognize that everything you have done up to that point, not only led you to the goal, but prepared you for it as well. Heed that still small voice! And when times make you feel that you are standing still, turn around and look at where you started, how far you've come and what you've accomplished and you will be amazed.