Thanks to a wonderful friend I worked today. I made enough to put some gas in my jalopy. Hubby has a new lead, let's hope this one will go farther than the others :)
I am already having trouble writing something. That is not a good sign. Let me see if I can organize my thoughts here...
After working a few hours today, I came home and did my usual tidy and whatnot. My son used the potty 3 whole times! In my excitement I kept giving him more and more watered down juice and after the 3 times he soaked through his ill prepared diaper, (I really should have thought to add more inserts) and the 3 times he peed on the floor while naked, I stopped giving him juice flavored water.
While at home today, my mind wandered, and it is a beautiful thing when I allow my brain to go where it pleases. I did run the gamut of emotions today as a woman is wont to do. I got frustrated because neither of us have jobs, neither of us have true, written in stone prospects. We won't either. Not today at least, or tomorrow. My world is written up in images, beliefs, hopes and many words of maybes, it's a sure thing, I'll get back to you.... All of these uncertainties are all we are guaranteed.
I'm okay with that. I enjoy the moments of not knowing if the great experiment will work. If Plan A will fail and you have to start running through the other letters! All I ever seem to do well is adapt. You would think that that would make for an easy, fun filled life, but not really. Not like water, more like putty. It will crack after awhile without some solvent added to it.
I lack action at the moment. Action. I answer the phone when it rings, deal with bill collectors, thank God most of them are understanding at this point. It is a scary thing to know that the bills are mounting and there seems to be no way to stop it right now. It's scary to take action to change it too. I always worry about wasting my time. The lessons I gleaned from the adults in my life when I was a child is that time is precious. It is a commodity that everyone wants and you cannot exchange. I abhor the thought of wasting my time on an idle task, withering away the hours I could have been doing a million other things. Yet, I do nothing with my free time.
That's a lie. I entertained my son today. Most of my day consisted of me chasing him around the house, capturing him and eating his little hands and feet. I love nothing more than holding him in my arms and feeling him grow. Memorizing his hugs, his eyes, his little lips, fat belly and chunky legs. Watching him eat, watching him share his food with us. Learning, growing. Learning and growing. If all I ever did for the rest of my life was care for my children, because I will have more eventually, I could die happy. I could die happy tomorrow, knowing that all I ever did was love my husband and my son more than anyone on this earth could.
Anyway, I lack action. I am scared. I really am. I am scared to go and get a real job (I still have no idea what a real job is) and drive that damn car to and from, meet new people, and have people examine me all day long. That last part is probably not true. I don't think anyone analyzes people like I do. Well, not anyone I know at least. I'm scared of whatever happens next. I am content to soak up the days as they are, and pretend that nothing else exists outside of these walls. (That would be cool....) I can't. I can't just sit here, day after day, knowing that something has to happen. Income has to start back up. I have a few things that will keep me afloat this week. Next week, I don't know.
I am beginning to wonder if that is what we have created here. A black hole. I grew up on Long Island, and anyone who lives there will tell you that place is a black hole. Even if you make it out, you will be sucked right back. I wonder if I made it out, but not without a price. Maybe I took some of that black hole with me. That is why I can sit here and believe that there really is nothing else besides these walls. This is not meant to be depressing, you are all witnessing my brain at work, every night. I do not usually begin with an idea on hand, I just begin to write whatever comes out my fingertips. You are witnessing my thought process, my ideas, solutions, etc. If I am a black hole, than everything is attracted to me correct? Everything goes into a black hole, nothing comes out. No one knows what happens inside a black hole (unless I am not up on the most recent conjecture). Maybe I can change what no one knows. That makes complete sense (taste the sarcasm). Maybe. What if, follow me here, what if what goes into the black hole is made better? That is what we all believe of God, higher powers, spiritualism, right? That what we go in as, we do not come back as.
I really should have been a stoner. This stuff baffles even me sometimes. If any of you reading this are high *on life* let me know if it makes sense to you.
If I can create my own reality, through the power of positive thinking, and my faith in God, then let my reality be this: Let each person that comes to me, leave me a little brighter. Let each penny I spend come back to me two-fold, let my ideas take root and grow within the heart, Let the changes that I make within myself be permanent ones, and let God above throw me a bone and let me envision my future for what it will be! I really hate surprises. Let my enemies cease to exist. That last one would be really nice. Unchristian, but I still think it, sometimes. Before I pray for their souls, albeit halfheartedly. I am a Christian in progress. Don't Judge.
Though these things I did not know were in me, are here and there nonetheless.
With these things I will make a dream to wrap myself in and rest
Peace befalls me ever more sweetly though I did not pass the test
God above he loves me, and I do what I think I should
Below my feet the ground is never sure
My head and back aching with protests
I give you what I have, I know nothing else
hold my hand and dream with me
Nothing is as safe as death.
A little poem on the fly for ya!
Good Night all, May God bless you tomorrow and the day after that!